# Bad jokes



## Chubbs the tegu

Hey guys, just bored with this lockdown. Thought id start this thread in case anybody would like to share any of their bad jokes lol maybe get some laughs.. or eye rolls


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Keep it clean. There goes 90% of my content


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

I threw a boomerang 2 years ago..
I now live in constant fear


----------



## Maggie3fan

You are sick...Daddy Tomato... Mommie Tomato and Baby Tomato are walking across the street, the Daddy turns to Baby and says "ketchup"...ta da!!!


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

God im easy


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

I told my ex she was drawing her eyebrows on to high...
She looked surprised


----------



## Maggie3fan

maggie18fan said:


> You are sick...Daddy Tomato... Mommie Tomato and Baby Tomato are walking across the street, the Daddy turns to Baby and says "ketchup"...ta da!!!





Chubbs the tegu said:


> God im easy


Please don't tell me you've never heard that before??? Anybody???


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

No.. so stupid its funny lol


----------



## Maggie3fan

Chubbs the tegu said:


> No.. so stupid its funny lol



In the movie Pulp Fiction... Uma Thurman's character tells it to John Travolta's character...my most favorite movie...you NEED to see it...bet I've seen it 200 times...


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

maggie18fan said:


> In the movie Pulp Fiction... Uma Thurman's character tells it to John Travolta's character...my most favorite movie...you NEED to see it...bet I've seen it 200 times...


Ill check it out . Im prob the only one that hasnt watched it


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Everybody tells me its so good


----------



## Pistachio's Pamperer

Anything and everything by Quintin Tarantino. Pulp Fiction. From Dusk til Dawn(my favorite part is Cheech Marin explaining the type of “entertainment” available). Kill Bill series. Death proof!!! I can keep going.


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Pistachio's Pamperer said:


> Anything and everything by Quintin Tarantino. Pulp Fiction. From Dusk til Dawn(my favorite part is Cheech Marin explaining the type of “entertainment” available). Kill Bill series. Death proof!!! I can keep going.


 Says the lady that got me into a duct tape disaster


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Pistachio's Pamperer said:


> Anything and everything by Quintin Tarantino. Pulp Fiction. From Dusk til Dawn(my favorite part is Cheech Marin explaining the type of “entertainment” available). Kill Bill series. Death proof!!! I can keep going.


Any jokes? Haha


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

So.. this guy walks into a bar..
And says ouch!!


----------



## EllieMay

What do you call a pig that does karate???

Porkchop


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

EllieMay said:


> What do you call a pig that does karate???
> 
> Porkchop


The effort that counts... and u better snort at my jokes hahaha


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

What do u call a deer w no eyes?
No idea


----------



## Blackdog1714

Not a joke BUT the wife has started to listen to podcasts while working from home. Today I discovered what It is about— Serial Killers! ?


----------



## Pistachio's Pamperer

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?

I didn’t know you could yodel.
(( My dad’s personal fav. ))


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Blackdog1714 said:


> Not a joke BUT the wife has started to listen to podcasts while working from home. Today I discovered what It is about— Serial Killers! ?


Sleep with one eye open.. gripping ur pillow tight


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

What do u call the Jetsons if they were black?...
The jetsons! U racists


----------



## EllieMay

Chubbs the tegu said:


> What do u call the Jetsons if they were black?...
> The jetsons! U racists


Ok... I SNORTED!!!


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

I gotta keep the big guns tucked away.. Yvonne is watching me haha


----------



## jaizei

Chubbs the tegu said:


> I threw a boomerang 2 years ago..
> I now live in constant fear



Could be worse than a boomerang...


----------



## Blackdog1714

Chubbs the tegu said:


> I gotta keep the big guns tucked away.. Yvonne is watching me haha


We take Cultural Diversity in the academy and oh my the ones they tell!


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

jaizei said:


> Could be worse than a boomerang...


Yes.. i could of threw a party and u showed up lmao


----------



## Srmcclure

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

Dam.

Sorry, its corny haha


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Srmcclure said:


> What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
> 
> Dam.
> 
> Sorry, its corny haha


At least u are trying lol


----------



## Maggie3fan

Pistachio's Pamperer said:


> Anything and everything by Quintin Tarantino. Pulp Fiction. From Dusk til Dawn(my favorite part is Cheech Marin explaining the type of “entertainment” available). Kill Bill series. Death proof!!! I can keep going.


You are right about Tarentino..Reservoir Dogs is another great one...Kill Bills are good too...


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

What do U call a dog with no legs? ...
Doesnt matter, hes not gonna come anyway


----------



## Tom

Pistachio's Pamperer said:


> Anything and everything by Quintin Tarantino. Pulp Fiction. From Dusk til Dawn(my favorite part is Cheech Marin explaining the type of “entertainment” available). Kill Bill series. Death proof!!! I can keep going.


How could you talk Tarantino and NOT mention Inglorious Basterds? "Killin' Nazis!!!" Then scene in the chalet was one of my favorite ever. The tension...

I worked on D'Jango Unchained with the dogs. Horrible scene. Sickening to film.


----------



## Tom

Here's my joke:


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Tom said:


> How could you talk Tarantino and NOT mention Inglorious Basterds? "Killin' Nazis!!!" Then scene in the chalet was one of my favorite ever. The tension...
> 
> I worked on D'Jango Unchained with the dogs. Horrible scene. Sickening to film.


Tom wtf! Ur killing me! U have the coolest life ever lol seriously man i would love to sit and have some beers w u and listen to ur stories. And of course meet all ur animals


----------



## Srmcclure

Tom said:


> How could you talk Tarantino and NOT mention Inglorious Basterds? "Killin' Nazis!!!" Then scene in the chalet was one of my favorite ever. The tension...
> 
> I worked on D'Jango Unchained with the dogs. Horrible scene. Sickening to film.


Ill watch anything tarantino! Love him lol


My wife called me and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I was a little concerned as I answered, “No.”

She said, “How about now?”


----------



## Srmcclure

Yea idk if I could actually be there for some of his shots, but at home in my over sized leather couch I'm ok lol


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

A man walk into a zoo..
The only animal there is a dog.
Its a shitzu


----------



## Srmcclure

Chubbs the tegu said:


> Tom wtf! Ur killing me! U have the coolest life ever lol seriously man i would love to sit and have some beers w u and listen to ur stories. And of course meet all ur animals


Same! Except the tarantula room... unless you have smelling salts for after lol ?


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Srmcclure said:


> Same! Except the tarantula room... unless you have smelling salts for after lol ?


Tom: does this rag smell like chloroform?


----------



## Blackdog1714

A new nurse at an old folks home goes into a patients room. He is asleep and she sees a bowl of nuts out the table. While waiting for him to wake up she eats a couple of handfuls. As she is eating the last one the old man awakes with a smile. He says oh thank you for enjoying the nuts all I can do know is lick the chocolate off them! You asked chub!


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Blackdog1714 said:


> A new nurse at an old folks home goes into a patients room. He is asleep and she sees a bowl of nuts out the table. While waiting for him to wake up she eats a couple of handfuls. As she is eating the last one the old man awakes with a smile. He says oh thank you for enjoying the nuts all I can do know is lick the chocolate off them! You asked chub!


I thought that was going to a bad place.. im disappointed haha


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Before covid 19 i coughed to cover a fart, now i fart to cover a cough


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

What kind of bees make milk?
Boo-bees


----------



## Braeden p

A blind man walks in to a bar

And a chair and a tablr


----------



## Braeden p

What do you call a bull dog and a shi tzu mix

A bull $hit


----------



## Braeden p

Where do you find a cow with no legs

Where you left it.


----------



## Braeden p

A blind man crashes a car injuring six

I guess he can’t drive stick


----------



## Braeden p

Went to a restaurant on the moon, good food but no atmosphere.


----------



## Braeden p

An electrician is on an electric chair, the guard asked “any last wishes” the electrician says “hold my hand”


----------



## Cathie G

maggie18fan said:


> Please don't tell me you've never heard that before??? Anybody???


I've never heard that one before...didn't hear it this time either. Is it like playing ketchup?


----------



## Cathie G

Chubbs the tegu said:


> Everybody tells me its so good


Especially on French fries...


----------



## Cathie G

EllieMay said:


> Ok... I SNORTED!!!


Oh my garsh. Hope I get a new cute pic of Cinder.


----------



## Cathie G

Chubbs the tegu said:


> Before covid 19 i coughed to cover a fart, now i fart to cover a cough


Ur nuts...


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Cathie G said:


> Ur nuts...


Yes.. those are usually covered too haha


----------



## Cathie G

Chubbs the tegu said:


> Yes.. those are usually covered too haha


Well that's good. I was about to recommend the Candy Crush Rehabilitation Center I saw on Facebook a few years ago. It's a long-term care facility.☺


----------



## Braeden p

Chubbs the tegu said:


> Before covid 19 i coughed to cover a fart, now i fart to cover a cough


Just let both out clears the store out double fast??


----------



## Maggie3fan

Chubbs the tegu said:


> Tom wtf! Ur killing me! U have the coolest life ever lol seriously man i would love to sit and have some beers w u and listen to ur stories. And of course meet all ur animals


And here is where I got it all over you...I sat with Tom...(no beers) I walked around the ranch...I got my face snoted on by an elephant! How freakin cool is that? I pet, *PET,* a rhino...kissed a zebra baby...saw cats do tricks...experienced a German Shepherd get unglued, thought he could eat me (omg!) and with one soft word he turned into wagging happy dog...actually, I was with Tom most of the day...unfortunately, I was sick as hell and was freakin miserable...but determined not to miss anything. I had brought a friend from Oregon, and Tom was entertaining and charming all day...I also met his ( beautiful) wife. Was in his house...saw how the ranch worked...
This was years ago, my last trip from Oregon...6-7 years? or more...Tom was not the celebrity then that he is now...(giggle) and as sick as I was he was wonderful...he treated me like a queen...we were shown everything. Tom could not have been more hospitable...I doubt with as popular as he is now, he still has TFO guests often...but for me it was one of those special _'never gonna happen again'_ moments. It really was the experience of a lifetime for me and I will always appreciate Tom for that adventure...get this...I didn't take one damn picture...
Now...if he'd just stop contradicting me, we might get along better...lol


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

maggie18fan said:


> And here is where I got it all over you...I sat with Tom...(no beers) I walked around the ranch...I got my face snoted on by an elephant! How freakin cool is that? I pet, *PET,* a rhino...kissed a zebra baby...saw cats do tricks...experienced a German Shepherd get unglued, thought he could eat me (omg!) and with one soft word he turned into wagging happy dog...actually, I was with Tom most of the day...unfortunately, I was sick as hell and was freakin miserable...but determined not to miss anything. I had brought a friend from Oregon, and Tom was entertaining and charming all day...I also met his ( beautiful) wife. Was in his house...saw how the ranch worked...
> This was years ago, my last trip from Oregon...6-7 years? or more...Tom was not the celebrity then that he is now...(giggle) and as sick as I was he was wonderful...he treated me like a queen...we were shown everything. Tom could not have been more hospitable...I doubt with as popular as he is now, he still has TFO guests often...but for me it was one of those special _'never gonna happen again'_ moments. It really was the experience of a lifetime for me and I will always appreciate Tom for that adventure...get this...I didn't take one damn picture...
> Now...if he'd just stop contradicting me, we might get along better...lol


Wow.. thats awesome! Thanks for the story mags. U can visit my ranch.. u might see a moth, couple ants, some bees, occasional garden snail, and if ur lucky might get sh*t on by a bird.


----------



## Maggie3fan

Chubbs the tegu said:


> Wow.. thats awesome! Thanks for the story mags. U can visit my ranch.. u might see a moth, couple ants, some bees, occasional garden snail, and if ur lucky might get sh*t on by a bird.


Yeah...that's my place also...but you are welcome here anytime...and for a place to spend the night ya just have to cut away at some blackberries...


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

maggie18fan said:


> Yeah...that's my place also...but you are welcome here anytime...and for a place to spend the night ya just have to cut away at some blackberries...


I knew there was a catch lol im sure ill have a beautiful cot setup in the tort shed


----------



## KronksMom

Why do Kangaroos hate it when it rains?

Because then the kids have to play inside....hehehe


----------



## Cathie G

Braeden p said:


> Just let both out clears the store out double fast??


Hahaha...I'll have to remember that tip if I'm standing in line to shop. Maybe they'll let me go first...


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Cathie G said:


> Hahaha...I'll have to remember that tip if I'm standing in line to shop. Maybe they'll let me go first...


Just dont push to hard.. dont want any accidents haha


----------



## Cathie G

Chubbs the tegu said:


> Just dont push to hard.. dont want any accidents haha


Yea. I'll have to watch the timing closely. Otherwise they'll just call 911 on me and I won't get to shop till I drop.?


----------



## EllieMay

Why can’t orphans play base ball???

because they can’t find home....


----------



## Blackdog1714

Why did the monk keep asking people to use their phone? He needed to phone tome!


----------



## Krista S

What did the vinaigrette say to the refrigerator? Hey! Close the door, I’m dressing!


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

I used to be addicted to soap. 
im clean now


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

What the diff between snoop dogg and santa?
Santa stops at 3 hoes


----------



## Jan A

Chubbs the tegu said:


> What the diff between snoop dogg and santa?
> Santa stops at 3 hoes


Did you hear about the mathematician w/ constipation??

He tried to work it out with a pencil.


----------



## Braeden p

what do orphans and fallen apples have in common?

no one picks them up


----------



## Braeden p

if you want to punch someone punch a orphan what are they going to do cry to their mom

(A kid in my class was adopted and said lots of orphan jokes these aren't the bad ones


----------



## Braeden p

what do you call a dog with no legs?

why does it matter how will he get to you


----------



## Braeden p

I would post more but they go against the rules


----------



## Braeden p

on the canary islands there are no canaries just like on the virgin isles there are no canaries


----------



## SPILL

Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would've ducked.

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye but we broke up. Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

Two radio antennas got married. The wedding was just ok but the reception was phenomenal.

I used to hate facial hair but then it grew on me.

I asked my North Korean friend how life was going. He said "Can't complain."


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

SPILL said:


> Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would've ducked.
> 
> I used to date a girl with a lazy eye but we broke up. Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
> 
> Two radio antennas got married. The wedding was just ok but the reception was phenomenal.
> 
> I used to hate facial hair but then it grew on me.
> 
> I asked my North Korean friend how life was going. He said "Can't complain."


I like the second one


----------



## Blackdog1714

What do you call a guy who hangs on the wall? art!


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

I seen a poor old lady fall down the stairs at the mall yesterday.
im assuming shes poor coz i only found 3.50 in her wallet


----------



## SouthPaw

A weasel walks into a bar. The bar tender says, "Wow! You are the first weasel to ever walk into my bar! I'm so excited to serve you! What can I get you?" The weasel climbs up on a bar stool, looks the bar tender in the eye:
"Pop" goes the weasel


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Chubbs the tegu said:


> God im easy


We all know that


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Snoopy’s mom said:


> We all know that


How do u get snoopys mom to go on a date with u?
U put ur best foot forward


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Only if itʻs a sully foot


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

This man overhears two women having a conversation and notices they have an accent. He asks "Are you women from England?" One woman snaps back "Itʻs Wales!" so he replies, "Iʻm sorry, are you two whales from England?"

Sorry Joes Mum


----------



## Chefdenoel10

Chubbs the tegu said:


> God im easy



Like a Sunday morning???


----------



## Chefdenoel10

Pistachio's Pamperer said:


> Anything and everything by Quintin Tarantino. Pulp Fiction. From Dusk til Dawn(my favorite part is Cheech Marin explaining the type of “entertainment” available). Kill Bill series. Death proof!!! I can keep going.



Is Quinton Tarintino the one who made a movie about some loan guy who kept picking up young college girls in a car with a skull on the front of it and then killing them in violent ways when he was done he would do it to another pack of girls I forget the name of it but God… I couldn’t stop watching it!!! ?


----------



## Chefdenoel10

Chubbs the tegu said:


> Says the lady that got me into a duct tape disaster



Sounds kinky?! ?


----------



## Chefdenoel10

Blackdog1714 said:


> Not a joke BUT the wife has started to listen to podcasts while working from home. Today I discovered what It is about— Serial Killers! ?



Sleep with one eye open Blackdog!!!
No one knows what a REAL serial killer looks like! Could be anyone....even a WIFE! ?


----------



## Jan A

Chefdenoel10 said:


> Is Quinton Tarintino the one who made a movie about some loan guy who kept picking up young college girls in a car with a skull on the front of it and then killing them in violent ways when he was done he would do it to another pack of girls I forget the name of it but God… I couldn’t stop watching it!!! ?


I know the movie you're talking about & I luv it, too. I also love the Abominable Dr. Phibes movies.


----------



## Chefdenoel10

Tom said:


> How could you talk Tarantino and NOT mention Inglorious Basterds? "Killin' Nazis!!!" Then scene in the chalet was one of my favorite ever. The tension...
> 
> I worked on D'Jango Unchained with the dogs. Horrible scene. Sickening to film.



There is not a Nazi conversation that goes past me without thinking about the scene in Inglourious Basterds when they’re in some sort of Building and the Nazi is fighting with an American and eventually the Nazi wins and he sitting on top of him and he slowly pushes the knife into the guys chest telling him to 
“Ssshhhhhhh” as the guy screaming for mercy. I think of that scene all of the time it was so violent!!!!!!
(And probably true). ?


----------



## Chefdenoel10

Srmcclure said:


> Ill watch anything tarantino! Love him lol
> 
> 
> My wife called me and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
> 
> I was a little concerned as I answered, “No.”
> 
> She said, “How about now?”



???????????????????????????
Stop giving me ideas!!! ???


----------



## Jan A

Chefdenoel10 said:


> Sleep with one eye open Blackdog!!!
> No one knows what a REAL serial killer looks like! Could be anyone....even a WIFE! ?


Not that many women are serial killers unless you include politicians; now men, that's a different story.


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Do you know what always catches my eye?

Short people with umbrellas


----------



## SPILL

Braeden p said:


> Where do you find a cow with no legs
> 
> Where you left it.


One of my dairy cows tried to escape by hopping the barbed wire fence. It was an udder disaster.


----------



## Blackdog1714

Chefdenoel10 said:


> Sleep with one eye open Blackdog!!!
> No one knows what a REAL serial killer looks like! Could be anyone....even a WIFE! ?


They say you have a 33% chance of meeting a serial killer in your lifetime


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

You can’t run through a campground, you can only ran cause it’s past tents


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

A husband and wife are having an argument about a women’s place in the home. He demanded that she is the one who should do the cooking and cleaning. They went to bed mad. The next day the wife comes home and sees that dinner had been cooked. The day after that she notices that the house was clean and her husband could see through his left eye a little.


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Its hard to lose ur wife.
Damn near impossible


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

People are shocked when they find out how bad of an electrician i am


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

You hear about the guy that lost his whole left side in a car accident? 
his alright now


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

I take my kids to the state fair every year but they keep finding their way home


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

There are 3 kind of people ..
Those who can count and those who cant


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

I once dated a girl with one leg..
Her name was Eilene and she wrked at Ihop


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Wasnt the best dancer.. she had 1 left foot


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Chubbs the tegu said:


> There are 3 kind of people ..
> Those who can count and those who cant


And then there is Chubbs


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Snoopy’s mom said:


> And then there is Chubbs


In snoopys moms back yard.. fertilizing her lawn


----------



## Jan A

Chubbs the tegu said:


> There are 3 kind of people ..
> Those who can count and those who cant


You know what a pregnancy is?

Something the uterus took seriously that was only poked in fun!


----------



## Blackdog1714




----------



## Braeden p

I found a rat chewing a wire he got grounded it was shocking but now he is conducting himself sorry I couldn’t resist

I can tell electrician jokes until it hertz

You won’t have the capacitance for these jokes

Like 30 gauge wire it’s fine 

I doubt anyone will get this but here it goes FULL BRIDGE RECTIFIER not a punny single diode


----------



## Braeden p

The lathe was a revolutionary device

The lathe started a revolution 

The lathe was a real Turing point

I can chuck up another round of lathe jokes


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Poor Jack lost his eye in a wood chipping accident. Not wanting to waste the wood that was already cut, his dad fashioned an eye for Jack. Across town, Sally who was born with a hair lip was fretting about the upcoming 6th-grade dance. Her parents and siblings assured her that someone would ask her to dance. That night, a self-confident Jack asks Sally if she would honor him with the next dance. Sally ecstatic with glee clasped her hands together and exclaimed "Would I?! would I?!" Jack froze with horror and screamed "Hair lip! Hair lip!"


----------



## Cathie G

Snoopy’s mom said:


> Poor Jack lost his eye in a wood chipping accident. Not wanting to waste the wood that was already cut, his dad fashioned an eye for Jack. Across town, Sally who was born with a hair lip was fretting about the upcoming 6th-grade dance. Her parents and siblings assured her that someone would ask her to dance. That night, a self-confident Jack asks Sally if she would honor him with the next dance. Sally ecstatic with glee clasped her hands together and exclaimed "Would I?! would I?!" Jack froze with horror and screamed "Hair lip! Hair lip!"


Snort.


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

My ex used to smoke after making love.....so we started using lube


----------



## Toddrickfl1

I read a thread today about a tortoise eating a tampon. Thought it was a joke but it wasn't......


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Toddrickfl1 said:


> I read a thread today about a tortoise eating a tampon. Thought it was a joke but it wasn't......


The moon cup one?


----------



## Toddrickfl1

Snoopy’s mom said:


> The moon cup one?


Yes, ?


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

A moon cup is a tampon?


----------



## Toddrickfl1

Chubbs the tegu said:


> A moon cup is a tampon?


Something like that, I didn't go too far researching.


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Hopefully it wasnt in use


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Itʻs a cup that you put...it covers the uterus so that.... IT'S BIRTH CONTROL!!


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Chubbs the tegu said:


> Hopefully it wasnt in use


No, the mother had it out in the sun to kill bacteria. Her son - who she is apparently very open with gave it to her tort who then proceeded to take a bite out of it. ?


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Wtf! Drying it on the clothes line


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

No wait, itʻs a menstrual cup. Bleah


----------



## Chubbs the tegu




----------



## Snoopy’s mom

I think we lost Toddrickfl1 lol


----------



## Chubbs the tegu




----------



## Coborbasta

Why do oranges wear sunblock?
So they don’t peal.


----------



## Cathie G

Snoopy’s mom said:


> I think we lost Toddrickfl1 lol


I'm kinda wondering how these people get their torts to try something new. There's one about a tort that ate a pop can too. I could use some tips.


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

I think I saw that one, she got really defensive when told not to let her tort roam the floor. (They all keep an eye on them, itʻs really safe) 
How come my tort is boring? He only eats food heʻs given with an occasional bite on the hand but thatʻs just a treat. Boo


----------



## Cathie G

Snoopy’s mom said:


> I think I saw that one, she got really defensive when told not to let her tort roam the floor. (They all keep an eye on them, itʻs really safe)
> How come my tort is boring? He only eats food heʻs given with an occasional bite on the hand but thatʻs just a treat. Boo


? And if s/he's big enough to swallow a pop can the next thing we'll see is a hole through the wall.


----------



## Yvonne G

Chubbs the tegu said:


> View attachment 322172


Most of these have been groaners, but this one (because of my old age memory) is really funny!


----------



## Jan A

Snoopy’s mom said:


> Itʻs a cup that you put...it covers the uterus so that.... IT'S BIRTH CONTROL!!


I think keeping your legs crossed is a lot easier form of birth control.


----------



## Cathie G

Chubbs the tegu said:


> View attachment 322173


It's time for me to eat ??


----------



## Jan A

Snoopy’s mom said:


> No, the mother had it out in the sun to kill bacteria. Her son - who she is apparently very open with gave it to her tort who then proceeded to take a bite out of it. ?


So your hubby comes home, wants sex, & you tell him you can't because your tort ate your moon cup???


----------



## Chefdenoel10

Jan A said:


> So your hubby comes home, wants sex, & you tell him you can't because your tort ate your moon cup???



Hey... it’s a better excuse than having a headache...AGAIN. 
At least he’ll go away pondering what the heck that meant! 
That’ll kill the mood. ?


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

A young boy asks his mom where he came from so mom replies, your dad had a seed and planted it. I watered and nurtured it every day. One day leaves and flowers bloomed so we picked them dried them and smoked it. We got so high that we forgot to wear a condom, and that’s where you came from.


----------



## Braeden p

These are very family friendly jokes!

What does a piece of toast and stripper have in common?

They spread for their butter (heard this one at school)


----------



## Cathie G

I don't know why but the song Hey teacher! Leave those kids alone! is playing in my head right now.


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Ahhhh, songs actually made sense back then. I canʻt understand the jibber-jabber that they try to pass off as music these days. It truly offends me.

Leaping and hopping on a moon shadow, moon shadow, moon shadow. Cat Stevens got it wrong, itʻs a moon cup.


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Snoopy’s mom said:


> Ahhhh, songs actually made sense back then. I canʻt understand the jibber-jabber that they try to pass off as music these days. It truly offends me.
> 
> Leaping and hopping on a moon shadow, moon shadow, moon shadow. Cat Stevens got it wrong, itʻs a moon cup.


----------



## Maggie3fan

You two need to get a room...


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Cathie and Chubbs?


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

maggie3fan said:


> You two need to get a room...


I have a big truck


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

And a new childrens book coming to a store near you


----------



## Chubbs the tegu




----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Chubbs the tegu said:


> I have a big truck


Are you going to be a gentleman and use the back seat or gonna be a caveman and take care of it in the bed of the truck. Oh, I see, the BED of the truck. You are a heathen.


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Snoopy’s mom said:


> Are you going to be a gentleman and use the back seat or gonna be a caveman and take care of it in the bed of the truck. Oh, I see, the BED of the truck. You are a heathen.


Geez! So picky! Ill put an air mattress in there and sprinkle some rose pedals


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Soothing music too? None of that loud jibber-jabber. Maybe some Maxwellʻs Urban Hang Suite, that for sure is baby-making music.


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Snoopy’s mom said:


> Soothing music too? None of that loud jibber-jabber. Maybe some Maxwellʻs Urban Hang Suite, that for sure is baby-making music.


What in the world is that?! Lol


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Snoopy’s mom said:


> Soothing music too? None of that loud jibber-jabber. Maybe some Maxwellʻs Urban Hang Suite, that for sure is baby-making music.


Gonna have a mariachi band haha


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Chubbs, you are a classy guy...(snicker-snicker) kiss my (_|_)


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Snoopy’s mom said:


> Chubbs, you are a classy guy...(snicker-snicker) kiss my (_|_)


Was that a butt or feed bags? Well.. beggars cant be choosers


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Well if itʻs you Chubbs, it can be whatever you want it to be.


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Snoopy’s mom said:


> Well if itʻs you Chubbs, it can be whatever you want it to be.


As a tortoise keeper i know how important variety is


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Well since variety is important to you.


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Snoopy’s mom said:


> Well since variety is important to you.
> 
> View attachment 322233


Wtf!!! Hahaha u sicko


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

I just realized patrick from spongebob is a moon cup ?


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

I think he is the Lena, what do you think?


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Exactly! And the purple is tinky winky


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Then we have the liberty bell


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

And Gary Coleman


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

No holds barred here I see. I think everyone is reeallllly scared to be here with us. Well, you actually. I seem to be somewhat normal according to me.


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Snoopy’s mom said:


> No holds barred here I see. I think everyone is reeallllly scared to be here with us. Well, you actually. I seem to be somewhat normal according to me.


Ur as normal as mayo on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich


----------



## Blackdog1714

I am scarred for life! We’ll see y’all tomorrow!


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Blackdog1714 said:


> I am scarred for life! We’ll see y’all tomorrow!


We all are, thatʻs why weʻre here. To commiserate and be nuts I guess. Hey, isnʻt this the bad joke thread?


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Snoopy’s mom said:


> We all are, thatʻs why weʻre here. To commiserate and be nuts I guess. Hey, isnʻt this the bad joke thread?


Bad joke thread with a side of nuts


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

I was addicted to the hokey pokey... but i turned myself around


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Just no


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Whats blonde and dead in the closet?
The 1995 hide and seek champion


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

“ give it to me! Give it to me now!” She screamed “im so wet hurry up and give it to me!”
She could scream all she wanted, she wast getting my umbrella


----------



## Braeden p

How do you find a blind guy at a nude beach 

It’s not hard


----------



## Braeden p

A ladder and mirror were talking the ladder says walk under me and you will have a week of bad luck the mirror says if you break him you will have a year of bad luck a condom walked by and laughed


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Back to the present


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Helll yeah! Rocking out to that in a warm hawaiian rain.. whaat


----------



## Chefdenoel10

Cathie G said:


> I don't know why but the song Hey teacher! Leave those kids alone! is playing in my head right now.



A brick in the wall?
By Pink Floyd


----------



## Chefdenoel10

Chubbs the tegu said:


> Gonna have a mariachi band haha



Now THATS baby makin’ music! ?


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Nothing like being at one of their concerts and the barely conscious guy frothing at the mouth tries to snuggle up and asks you wanna breed? That’s when you notice a potato has more brain cells and teeth than him


----------



## Chefdenoel10

Snoopy’s mom said:


> Nothing like being at one of their concerts and the barely conscious guy frothing at the mouth tries to snuggle up and asks you wanna breed? That’s when you notice a potato has more brain cells and teeth than him





Chubbs the tegu said:


> Whats blonde and dead in the closet?
> The 1995 hide and seek champion



That is when you’ve hit rock bottom.....


----------



## Maggie3fan

Snoopy’s mom said:


> Cathie and Chubbs?


No...you and Chubbs


----------



## Jan A

Snoopy’s mom said:


> Well if itʻs you Chubbs, it can be whatever you want it to be.


You guys need a hotel room.

An Australian rancher father tells his adult son it's time to go to town & find himself a woman to marry & settle down. So the son does just that, they get married & on their wedding night, they stay at a hotel. The son starts moving the furniture & puts it in front of the door.

When asked what he's doing he tells his new wife, "I ain't never had sex with a woman before. But if it's anything like a kangaroo...."


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

maggie3fan said:


> You two need to get a room...


hahahahahah no.


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Why do sheep herders take the sheep to the edge of the cliff at night?
She sheep push back


----------



## Cathie G

Chefdenoel10 said:


> A brick in the wall?
> By Pink Floyd


Yes ?


----------



## Cathie G

Snoopy’s mom said:


> Cathie and Chubbs?


Just no.


----------



## Cathie G

Snoopy’s mom said:


> Well since variety is important to you.
> 
> View attachment 322233


Where do you guys find this crap? and it's even in all sizes ?


----------



## Blackdog1714

It is Chubbs he is a Jedi ? Master!


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Cathie G said:


> Where do you guys find this crap? and it's even in all sizes ?


I found it by asking my best friend Google


----------



## Jan A

Snoopy’s mom said:


> I found it by asking my best friend Google


Google is not your friend. They have no intention of helping you rescue your farting sully!


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Jan A said:


> Google is not your friend. They have no intention of helping you rescue your farting sully!


We’re not her friends either... we just wanna party in Hawaii haha


----------



## Blackdog1714

I think Amazon is having a group sale on inflatable beds and tents!


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

I must of been in the wrong section.. i only seen the inflatable dolls lmao


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Our first date.. took her to see a move


----------



## Cathie G

Snoopy’s mom said:


> I found it by asking my best friend Google


How did you know what to ask ?


----------



## Cathie G

Chubbs the tegu said:


> Our first date.. took her to see a move
> View attachment 322289


I'm starting to worry about myself cause I read movie and I understood you too well...


----------



## Blackdog1714

I drove by chubbs house earlier! Nice decorations


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Cathie G said:


> How did you know what to ask ?


Mooncup! Really! You should see all the images. I had to scrub my eyes after all those pictures


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Jan A said:


> Google is not your friend. They have no intention of helping you rescue your farting sully!


But she helped me find the Mooncup picture for Chubbs


----------



## Cathie G

Snoopy’s mom said:


> Mooncup! Really! You should see all the images. I had to scrub my eyes after all those pictures





Snoopy’s mom said:


> Mooncup! Really! You should see all the images. I had to scrub my eyes after all those pictures


I didn't know there was such a thing. I'm gettin' my edd ju k tion ?


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Blackdog1714 said:


> I drove by chubbs house earlier! Nice decorations


I know! I cant believe i still have my xmas decorations up


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Quote of the day “ never drink a bloody mary out of a mooncup”


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Chubbs the tegu said:


> Quote of the day “ never drink a bloody mary out of a mooncup”


I thought it was “ you’re on mute”


----------



## Chubbs the tegu




----------



## Yvonne G

JOKES, remember? 
Let's save the raunchiness for your other thread instead of spreading it across the Forum where unsuspecting members might come across it.


----------



## Chefdenoel10

Blackdog1714 said:


> I think Amazon is having a group sale on inflatable beds and tents!



Is that what your costume was made from? 
Cuzzz..... it explained WHY they were on sale. ?


----------



## Jan A

Chubbs the tegu said:


> Quote of the day “ never drink a bloody mary out of a mooncup”


Ewwwwww!!


----------



## AgataP

Somehow I missed this post and now I laughed for 20 min.


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Yvonne G said:


> JOKES, remember?
> Let's save the raunchiness for your other thread instead of spreading it across the Forum where unsuspecting members might come across it.


Sorry Yvonne


----------



## Blackdog1714

So why was the mountain climber so mad? He steppe in it!


----------



## Braeden p

Now go in the time out corner for 20 minutes chubs!


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

They said a mask and gloves were needed to go to the store, no one mentioned that clothes were mandatory as well.


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Snoopy’s mom said:


> They said a mask and gloves were needed to go to the store, no one mentioned that clothes were mandatory as well.


Where do u shop? Lol


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Chubbs the tegu said:


> Where do u shop? Lol


Around the corner from your house


----------



## Cathie G

Guess what day it is! I had the perfect excuse for a peanut butter and pickle sandwich for breakfast.?


----------



## Blackdog1714

Cathie G said:


> Guess what day it is! I had the perfect excuse for a peanut butter and pickle sandwich for breakfast.?


Sweet and salty!


----------



## Cathie G

O


Blackdog1714 said:


> Sweet and salty!


On the news today about National PB and Jelly Sandwich day I found out I'm not as weird as I thought.?


----------



## EllieMay

Cathie G said:


> Guess what day it is! I had the perfect excuse for a peanut butter and pickle sandwich for breakfast.?


Please tell me that’s bad joke??? ?


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Cathie G said:


> O
> 
> On the news today about National PB and Jelly Sandwich day I found out I'm not as weird as I thought.?


Fake news haha


----------



## Aloysius Taschse

My two-word reaction to all of this: "Oh dear"

Also:
Mmm! PB & Pickle sandwich!


----------



## Cathie G

EllieMay said:


> Please tell me that’s bad joke??? ?


Nope and we've been discussing it several days here.?we were celebrating it early I guess.


----------



## Cathie G

Chubbs the tegu said:


> Fake news haha


Hay! You're the one that started it ?


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Cathie G said:


> Hay! You're the one that started it ?


I cant chat in this thread. I will get myself in trouble haha


----------



## Cathie G

Chubbs the tegu said:


> I cant chat in this thread. I will get myself in trouble haha


From what I saw you only have to time out for 20 minutes ?


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Cathie G said:


> From what I saw you only have to time out for 20 minutes ?


Nobody puts chubbs in a corner


----------



## EllieMay




----------



## Chubbs the tegu

EllieMay said:


>


Somebody got my reference lol


----------



## Chubbs the tegu




----------



## Cathie G

Chubbs the tegu said:


> View attachment 322365


Only if you can't find foot loose the original since we're playing dance sceneries


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Cathie G said:


> Only if you can't find foot loose the original since we're playing dance sceneries


----------



## Cathie G

Chubbs the tegu said:


> View attachment 322367


That sucks ? it's not the song.


----------



## Cathie G

Cathie G said:


> That sucks ? it's not the song.


I like the cartoon one better but the movie one is ok.


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Cathie G said:


> That sucks ? it's not the song.


The nut house is music


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

I cant be spinning records in 2 threads at once haha


----------



## Cathie G

Chubbs the tegu said:


> The nut house is music


I can't believe you haven't found it yet. Song and dance but that's okay I'll deal with it ?


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Cathie G said:


> I can't believe you haven't found it yet. Song and dance but that's okay I'll deal with it ?


Come on! U know me


----------



## Cathie G

Chubbs the tegu said:


> Come on! U know me


? Hehehe.


----------



## Jan A

Cathie G said:


> O
> 
> On the news today about National PB and Jelly Sandwich day I found out I'm not as weird as I thought.?


Pickle juice ruins the bread. You cannot smash your peanut butter sandwich flat if your bread is soggy with pickle juice. It gets all over your tort, & he's going WTF?


----------



## Jan A

Chubbs the tegu said:


> Nobody puts chubbs in a corner


Do you know how to frustrate Helen Keller in a round room?

Tell her to find a corner.

Awful joke, but when I was in grade school, we had tons of Hellen Keller jokes. I don't know why.


----------



## Jan A

EllieMay said:


>


One of my favorite dance scenes!! Chubs, you rock!!


----------



## Marshall77

They call it a Toyota but it looks nothing like a toy Yoda.


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

How does a blondes brain cell die? Alone


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

The officer asked a blonde was the last thing you she saw before the car crash “. A sad old mans face pass the windshield “


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Hi Cubs remember me?


----------



## Cathie G

Jan A said:


> Pickle juice ruins the bread. You cannot smash your peanut butter sandwich flat if your bread is soggy with pickle juice. It gets all over your tort, & he's going WTF?


You have to let them drain and cover both slices of bread with peanut butter. I hate soggy bread too. Where there's a will there's a way ?


----------



## Blackdog1714

Why are pancake tortoises so rare? The don’t maple good animals! ?


----------



## Yvonne G

Blackdog1714 said:


> Why are pancake tortoises so rare? The don’t maple good animals! ?


That one truly is BAD!


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

My grandfather had a heart of a lion.. and a lifetime ban from the zoo


----------



## Grace-Sophia

What do you call a nosey pepper?


----------



## Braeden p

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Why does it matter how will he get to you


----------



## Braeden p

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef


Where do you find a cow with no legs?


Where you left it.


----------



## Blackdog1714

What do you call a man floating in the water? Bob


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Grace-Sophia said:


> What do you call a nosey pepper?


Jalapeno business


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a pile of leaves?
Russel


----------



## Marshall77

Ever wonder why they call a good deal a good buy?
If you don't take it that's what it says goodbye.


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Heres one for snoopy.
Why couldnt Jesus be born in hawaii?
They couldnt find 3 wise men or a virgin


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

See? It’s was Moon Cup, now he’s in therapy


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

What do you call a cougar that gets so old she can’t hear? A Def Leppard


----------



## Jan A

Blackdog1714 said:


> What do you call a man floating in the water? Bob


I was going to say, "don't get me started on Bob jokes" & there you are Blackdog!!


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Jan A said:


> I was going to say, "don't get me started on Bob jokes" & there you are Blackdog!!


Neil and Bob are friends of snoopy


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Why donʻt Brits pronounce their Tʻs ? Because they drank them all


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

What do you call nuts on a wall? Walnuts
What do you call nuts on a chest? Chestnuts
What do you call nuts on a chin? Blow job

Is that allowed?


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Snoopy’s mom said:


> What do you call nuts on a wall? Walnuts
> What do you call nuts on a chest? Chestnuts
> What do you call nuts on a chin? Blow job
> 
> Is that allowed?


I dont think so lmao u could of said sore throat


----------



## Cathie G

Snoopy’s mom said:


> What do you call nuts on a wall? Walnuts
> What do you call nuts on a chest? Chestnuts
> What do you call nuts on a chin? Blow job
> 
> Is that allowed?


Probably not ?


----------



## Cathie G

Cathie G said:


> Probably not ?


But for some reason I can never get by with typing the name of this bird called Blue T1ts...


----------



## Cathie G

Cathie G said:


> But for some reason I can never get by with typing the name of this bird called Blue T1ts...


Ok I'm going to try since I got by with that. Blue tit!


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Go Cathie go!


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Cathie G said:


> Ok I'm going to try since I got by with that. Blue tit!


Better than blue .. .. yup i wont say it lol


----------



## Cathie G

Snoopy’s mom said:


> Go Cathie go!


?I guess it needs an exclamation point but no ess's.


----------



## Chefdenoel10

Snoopy’s mom said:


> What do you call nuts on a wall? Walnuts
> What do you call nuts on a chest? Chestnuts
> What do you call nuts on a chin? Blow job
> 
> Is that allowed?



I don’t think so ....?


----------



## Chefdenoel10

Cathie G said:


> Ok I'm going to try since I got by with that. Blue tit!



Ooooooo!!!
You’re BOTH gonna get detention! ?


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Chefdenoel10 said:


> Ooooooo!!!
> You’re BOTH gonna get detention! ?


Prob beaten with a cactus pad


----------



## Chefdenoel10

Chubbs the tegu said:


> Prob beaten with a cactus pad



I hope they take the needles OFF first!


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Then there’s always this...


----------



## Braeden p

thats a funny joke snoopys mom but you need a time out there a chair in the corner  dont worry chubbs already had to go in time out


----------



## Jan A

Braeden p said:


> thats a funny joke snoopys mom but you need a time out there a chair in the corner  dont worry chubbs already had to go in time out


Chubbs, I'm coming to get you out!! Don't worry.


----------



## Blackdog1714

Wow we need somebody at the door to ID peeps before they enter! Thank goodness I have been able to buy alcohol for years without being asked for an ID! ?


----------



## Chefdenoel10

Braeden p said:


> thats a funny joke snoopys mom but you need a time out there a chair in the corner  dont worry chubbs already had to go in time out



And he’s probably STILL there?? ??


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Braeden p said:


> thats a funny joke snoopys mom but you need a time out there a chair in the corner  dont worry chubbs already had to go in time out


Itʻs a real orchid! Ask our friend Google.


----------



## Cathie G

Snoopy’s mom said:


> Then there’s always this...


I was afraid to look at that one too long.


----------



## Cathie G

Chefdenoel10 said:


> And he’s probably STILL there?? ??


He must be spoiled cause he's still running his mouth.


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

? ? And there are so many of them. It's raining men! Nekkid men! Happy Friday


----------



## Cathie G

Blackdog1714 said:


> Wow we need somebody at the door to ID peeps before they enter! Thank goodness I have been able to buy alcohol for years without being asked for an ID! ?


The last time I got ID'd I thanked her.


----------



## Jan A

Snoopy’s mom said:


> ? ? And there are so many of them. It's raining men! Nekkid men! Happy Friday


As long as they're Chippendale males, let it pour!!


----------



## Chefdenoel10

Jan A said:


> As long as they're Chippendale males, let it pour!!



It’s NEVER Chippendale’s men!
Did you notice that?
All these old men all over the world walking around with these young skinny blonde haired bombshells.
Where’s our “cuts of beef”?
How come we get the guys that pull over as we are walkin ‘ talking about.....
“Hey baby. How YOU doin’?”
(Said like Joey from Friends). ?


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Chefdenoel10 said:


> It’s NEVER Chippendale’s men!
> Did you notice that?
> All these old men all over the world walking around with these young skinny blonde haired bombshells.
> Where’s our “cuts of beef”?
> How come we get the guys that pull over as we are walkin ‘ talking about.....
> “Hey baby. How YOU doin’?”
> (Said like Joey from Friends). ?


Sorry about that


----------



## Braeden p

not that joke the the one about nuts


----------



## Braeden p

what do fish poo out of?

their Basshole


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

What’s do you call a person who asks you a question then argues with your answer? 

Askhole


----------



## Maggie3fan

Snoopy’s mom said:


> What’s do you call a person who asks you a question then argues with your answer?
> 
> Askhole


newbie asking for advice on TFO....


----------



## Cathie G

Snoopy’s mom said:


> What’s do you call a person who asks you a question then argues with your answer?
> 
> Askhole


I'm going to remember that one! I have family members that actually are askholes.?


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

I think we all do! ?


----------



## Cathie G

Snoopy’s mom said:


> I think we all do! ?


The next time one asks me a pointed stupid question I'm going to call it what it is.?


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

I have a stepladder, because my real ladder left when i was a kid


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

I once made a belt out of 50 dollar bills.
It was a waist of money


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Is it just me or do clowns farts smell funny?


----------



## Chubbs the tegu




----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Sully farts smell funny


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Snoopy’s mom said:


> Sully farts smell funny


If heaven on earth is funny to u


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Oh, Chubbs, yuk ?


----------



## Blackdog1714

Happy 4/20 remember its puff, puff, pass not BOGARTING ASKHOLE!


----------



## Jan A

Blackdog1714 said:


> Happy 4/20 remember its puff, puff, pass not BOGARTING ASKHOLE!





Blackdog1714 said:


> Happy 4/20 remember its puff, puff, pass not BOGARTING ASKHOLE!


I'm in Oklahoma, but Boulder got a foot of snow overnight. They won't be partying real hard outdoors today on campus.


----------



## Cathie G

Jan A said:


> I'm in Oklahoma, but Boulder got a foot of snow overnight. They won't be partying real hard outdoors today on campus.


Well... good move! No shoveling snow today ? woohoo ?


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

A doctor asked a pregnant hooker if she knew who the father of her child was. The hooker replied, "Why donʻt you eat a burrito and tell me which bean made you fart".


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Whatʻs worse than a lobster on a piano?

A crab on your organ


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Snoopy’s mom said:


> Whatʻs worse than a lobster on a piano?
> 
> A crab on your organ


The gift that keeps giving


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

I thought that was herpes the love bug


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

So true story at work today. My cowrker and i are always ragging on each other. So he says to me “your prob still a virgin”
Me: yes , i was until last night
Him: yeah ok
Me: true! Ask ur sister
Him: i dont have a sister
Me: u will in 9 months


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Moral of the story.. dont try to burn the burn master


----------



## Jan A

Chubbs the tegu said:


> Moral of the story.. dont try to burn the burn master


You are so right, Chubbs!!

So this joke was originally told to me when I was a naive young thing in college...you can plug it into anywhere that fits...

Two gentlemen were sitting across from one another on a train. The 1st gentleman says to the 2nd, "Excuse me, aren't you from Indiana University?" The 2nd gentleman replies, "Why yes, how did you know?"

The 1st answers, "Well, from the way you sit, hold you little pinkie when you drink your coffee, the way you cover your mouth when you cough." 

The 2nd gentlemen says, "Well, you're from Purdue University, aren't you?" And the 1st gentleman says, "Why yes. How did you know?"

The 2nd gentlemen says, "Well, from the way you pick your nose."


----------



## Danimal

@Jan A - oooo you almost enticed me to start telling Auburn jokes!


Two windmills are standing on a hill and one turns to the other and asks, what's your favorite Music? The other says, "I'm a big metal fan." HAR!


----------



## TheTattooedTortoise

My friend told me he's sick of how much makeup his girlfriend wears...

Personally I think my wife wears just the right amount of foundation on her face.... 

she's burried under the porch!


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

How do you know the toothbrush was invented in the South? If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teeth brush.


----------



## Jan A

Danimal said:


> @Jan A - oooo you almost enticed me to start telling Auburn jokes!
> 
> 
> Two windmills are standing on a hill and one turns to the other and asks, what's your favorite Music? The other says, "I'm a big metal fan." HAR!


Pleeez don't stop...Auburn jokes, whatever. We need laughs even if they're stupid!!


----------



## Danimal

Excellent! 

Now I going to go stand outside so if anyone asks, tell them I'm outstanding WAAA waaaa


----------



## TheTattooedTortoise

Vegan Chocolate Drop Anyone???


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

TheTattooedTortoise said:


> Vegan Chocolate Drop Anyone???


@Zoeclare


----------



## Chubbs the tegu




----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Police officer: Youʻre staggering
Me: Youʻre pretty handsome yourself
We laughed and laughed
I need bail money


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Blame it on the a a a a a a alcohol


----------



## Cathie G

Chubbs the tegu said:


> Blame it on the a a a a a a alcohol


Woo hoo ? how old are you today??


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Cathie G said:


> Woo hoo ? how old are you today??


45


----------



## Cathie G

Chubbs the tegu said:


> 45


Oh I was thinking not a day after 16.?


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Cathie G said:


> Oh I was thinking not a day after 16.?


I usually get Not a day over 12


----------



## Cathie G

Chubbs the tegu said:


> I usually get Not a day over 12


I thought I'd be nice sense you are officially another year older.?


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

A cabbie picks up a nun. The nun notices the cabbie keeps staring at her, so she asks why he is staring. The cabbie replies that heʻs always had a fantasy of kissing a nun. The nun says that she will kiss him if he is single and Catholic. The cab driver says ʻI am both!" so the nun says "pull into that ally" The nun kisses the cabbie in a way that would make a hooker blush. Then the cabbie starts crying and tells the nun that he lied. He is married and Jewish. The nun replies "Thatʻs okay, my name is Kevin, and Iʻm going to a Halloween party."


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

A couple decided to try it doggie style. He sat up and begged, she rolled over and played dead.


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Snoopy’s mom said:


> A couple decided to try it doggie style. He sat up and begged, she rolled over and played dead.


So he buried his bone


----------



## Jan A

Chubbs the tegu said:


> So he buried his bone


A lady goes into a grocery store & asks Customer Service "What's the very best dry dog food I can buy here & have delivered to my home?" The clerk asks why? She says, "my husband thinks he's a dog & insists on dry dog food for dinner." 

So the grocery store delivers the 1st time & for several months thereafter.

Finally, one day the lady refuses delivery & says future deliveries won't be necessary. "Well, why not?" "My husband died last night." "That's terrible. How'd he die?"

"He was sitting on the couch trying to lick his balls, fell off the couch & broke his neck."


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

So Snoopy steps out of the shower and winks at me and says “ i shaved, u know what that means?” So i look back and say “ another bill from the plumber”


----------



## jeff kushner

Voted by some Academy as the best joke of 45,000 entries;

Peter Sellers, Michael Ber....something(sry)

P- Is he dead?
M-I don't know.

P-Don't you think you better be sure?
M-(leaves room)....2 gunshots are heard)

M- (returning to room) I'm sure!


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

My all-time favorite is Pink Panther Strikes Again when Peter Sellers is going to extract Charles Dreyfusʻs tooth and theyʻre using laughing gas and Peter Sellersʻ nose starts melting. Not sure if that was all ad-lib, but they played that scene so well. I almost pee my pants every time I watch that scene. RIP Peter and Charles

Pink Panther Strikes Again


----------



## HammersTow

I love this thread. I know it's been a while since anyone posted to it but still...

What did the number 0 say to the number 8?

Where'd ya get the cool belt?


----------



## HammersTow

So a pig walked up to an outlet in the wall and said,

Oh you poor thing! Who put you in that wall?


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

I tried to catch fog yesterday...
Mist


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

This thread been slacking! So here we go!
I havent been with a girl in 245 days.. so today i went jogging in flip flops to remind me of the sound


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

And by that joke u understand why ?


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

if you’re depressed because you can’t complete your bucket list, change the B to an F and enjoy.


----------



## Yvonne G

Seeing this thread come up today made me kinda sad. dmmj (David) was a great one for bad jokes. He is sorely missed on the forum. It's his birthday. Last I heard he was having serious health problems. Not hearing from him is quite concerning.

Let's all think of the cornyest jokes we can and post them in David's honor.


----------



## Jan A

Snoopy’s mom said:


> if you’re depressed because you can’t complete your bucket list, change the B to an F and enjoy.





Snoopy’s mom said:


> if you’re depressed because you can’t complete your bucket list, change the B to an F and enjoy.


Happy Birthday!! Who knew we were fellow Virgos!! Hoping it's a mighty fine day--weather wise & everything else!!


----------



## Jan A

Yvonne G said:


> Seeing this thread come up today made me kinda sad. dmmj (David) was a great one for bad jokes. He is sorely missed on the forum. It's his birthday. Last I heard he was having serious health problems. Not hearing from him is quite concerning.
> 
> Let's all think of the cornyest jokes we can and post them in David's honor.


I don't think I know any jokes that are just corny. But I'll put my thinking cap on....


----------



## Yvonne G

Why don't oysters donate to charity?

Because they're shellfish! pa rump pump!!


----------



## Yvonne G

What did the custodian say when he jumped out of the closet?

"SUPPLIES!!!". parump pump!


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

What did the policeman say to his belly button?
“ ur under a vest!”


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Who is toilet papers favorite character? ..pooh


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Since it’s my birthday , I’m going to shellabrate


----------



## Cathie G

Yvonne G said:


> Seeing this thread come up today made me kinda sad. dmmj (David) was a great one for bad jokes. He is sorely missed on the forum. It's his birthday. Last I heard he was having serious health problems. Not hearing from him is quite concerning.
> 
> Let's all think of the cornyest jokes we can and post them in David's honor.


I would make a corny joke but then I'd get an earful ?


----------



## JoFisch

Morbid rather than corny but:
How do you make a dead baby float?

One can of rootbeer and 2 scoops of dead baby.


----------



## Chefdenoel10

Snoopy’s mom said:


> if you’re depressed because you can’t complete your bucket list, change the B to an F and enjoy.



Happy birthday mama!!!!!
Enjoy!!
Get your frog on and get hoppin’!! 
Hope all goes your way today.
???????????????????

And yesterday was Freddy Mercury’s Birthday!? 
How cool is this!?
Back to back birthdays!!!??
But, don’t celebrate like him though…
He partied so hard he woke up blue!. ???
I am going to H-E- double hockey sticks!!
??
Soooorrryyy FREDDDIIEEEE!!!!
You know we LOVE YOUUUUU!!!!


----------



## Chefdenoel10

This is all my brain can mutter and I can’t stop laughing!!! ?????
Poor thing….
Now I REALLY AM GOING to h*ll…?
Here’s to you David! Hope it makes you laugh too!?


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

It’s been so long since I had sex I forgot how to moan. What if I mess it up and bark?


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

What do you call a bear with no teeth?


Gummy Bear!


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Snoopy’s mom said:


> It’s been so long since I had sex I forgot how to moan. What if I mess it up and bark?


U are in no position to be barking ?


----------



## Chubbs the tegu




----------



## Cathie G

Chubbs the tegu said:


> View attachment 334236


I ain't touching this one with a 10 foot pole.


----------



## Toddrickfl1




----------



## Toddrickfl1




----------



## Toddrickfl1

I forgot about this thread, so I'm catching up


----------



## Cathie G

Chubbs the tegu said:


> View attachment 334236


I tried to tell you the kids were out playing.


----------



## Snoopy’s mom




----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Snoopy’s mom said:


> View attachment 334244


????


----------



## Toddrickfl1




----------



## Cathie G

What did one but cheek say to the other but cheek? 
Together we can stop this crap.


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Why is there only 1 Yogi bear?

The other one was a Boo Boo


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Toddrickfl1 said:


> View attachment 334245


I call implants on the black great dane


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Chubbs the tegu said:


> I call implants on the black great dane


Oh gawd, you would


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

I took the shell off my pet snail....he looks sluggish


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

??????


----------



## Snoopy’s mom




----------



## Chubbs the tegu




----------



## Chefdenoel10

Snoopy’s mom said:


> View attachment 334244



And the cat!!!!


----------



## Chefdenoel10

Chubbs the tegu said:


> I call implants on the black great dane



Jason!!!!!! …
Now …. Really! ?

??????????


----------



## Cathie G

Chubbs the tegu said:


> I took the shell off my pet snail....he looks sluggish


I can't believe Chef hasn't jumped all over this one ?


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Cathie G said:


> I can't believe Chef hasn't jumped all over this one ?


??


----------



## Cathie G

Chubbs the tegu said:


> ??


Ur in for it now ?


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Chubbs the tegu said:


> View attachment 334251


You have NO idea how true this is. But unlike Kentucky, our family trees have branches.


----------



## Chefdenoel10

Cathie G said:


> I can't believe Chef hasn't jumped all over this one ?



I WAS all over it! And up it and next to it and even behind it!!!
I gave Chubbs a ?.
That’s all that was offered..?
What I wanted to say was ???….
But this is a “Family” forum.. ?


Chubbs the tegu said:


> ??



That better be a number one  sign 
Mr. Chubbs.. ??


----------



## Chefdenoel10

Cathie G said:


> Ur in for it now ?



?????


----------



## Jan A

Chefdenoel10 said:


> ?????


Chef, it's just Chubbs warming up for the weekend....or not.


----------



## EllieMay




----------



## EllieMay




----------



## Snoopy’s mom

What the difference between a rooster and a hooker?

roosters say **** a doodle doo

hookers say any **** will do

am I in trouble? ?


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Oops, censored


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Back to bring a passive observer again


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Why are false teeth like stars?
They both come out at night


----------



## EllieMay

NO Fun!


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

EllieMay said:


> NO Fun!


No fun if ur eating a steak.. but lmao


----------



## Cathie G

Chubbs the tegu said:


> Why are false teeth like stars?
> They both come out at night


My ex used to try that line on me for romance. He said my teeth were like stars. They come out at night ? we're still friends.


----------



## Cathie G

My son kept chewing on electrical cords so I had to ground him. He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

I was kidnapped by mimes once.
They did unspeakable things to me


----------



## Cathie G

Oh my garsh ? I feel so at home. ? I had to sit through bad jokes like this last night for 2 hours with my son and grandson. I couldn't get a word in edgewise. What does a fish get high on? Seaweed ???


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

A girl i knew once dressed up as a cop and told me i was under arrest for being good in bed.....2 minutes later she said charges were dropped due to lack of evidence


----------



## Jan A

Chubbs the tegu said:


> A girl i knew once dressed up as a cop and told me i was under arrest for being good in bed.....2 minutes later she said charges were dropped due to lack of evidence


A patient was in the hospital to have a leg amputated. The surgeon removed the wrong leg. Prior to the patient waking up, the surgeon became aware of his mistake & so amputated the leg that should have been amputated. The patient sued but the court ruled against him, holding the patient didn't have a leg to stand on.


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

My grandma started walking 5 miles a day when she turned 60.
Now shes 97 and i have no idea where the hell she is


----------



## Maggie3fan

Chubbs the tegu said:


> My grandma started walking 5 miles a day when she turned 60.
> Now shes 97 and i have no idea where the hell she is


That was a laff out loud too funny


----------



## Chefdenoel10

Cathie G said:


> My ex used to try that line on me for romance. He said my teeth were like stars. They come out at night ? we're still friends.



I would have thrown the teeth AT him if he said that to me!
You’re TOO nice Cathy…?‍


----------



## Cathie G

Chefdenoel10 said:


> I would have thrown the teeth AT him if he said that to me!
> You’re TOO nice Cathy…?‍


That's ok cause I used to take them out and sit them on my knee to try and gross him out ?


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Cathie G said:


> That's ok cause I used to take them out and sit them on my knee to try and gross him out ?


OMG fell off my chair and farted!!!!


----------



## Chefdenoel10

Snoopy’s mom said:


> OMG fell off my chair and farted!!!!



?????????????????????


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Cathie G said:


> My ex used to try that line on me for romance. He said my teeth were like stars. They come out at night ? we're still friends.


I just read this again. I am screaming laughing and crying.


----------



## Cathie G

Snoopy’s mom said:


> OMG fell off my chair and farted!!!!


I promise I told the truth. And for some insane reason they still like me ?


----------



## Cathie G

It pays to listen to a dummy sometimes ? I figured out my furnace all by myself. It needs to be plugged in.?the faucet works now thanks to my son ? and I have internet WiFi phone and etc because the company finally decided to just flip the on switch. You can't even believe that situation. Ok I'm nuts by now ?


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

I broke my arm in 2 places today so i went to the doc...he told me to stop going to those places smh


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Mountains are just not funny... they’re hill areas


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

So i was at the atm today and an old lady ask me “ excuse me sir i forgot my glasses.. can u check my balance?.. so i pushed her


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Her balance was not to great


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

So an old lady goes to her dentist. The dentist walks in and sees her laying down naked with legs up. He says “ Cathie! Im a dentist not a gyno !” She says “ I know.. i need u to check my husbands teeth


----------



## Cathie G

Chubbs the tegu said:


> So an old lady goes to her dentist. The dentist walks in and sees her laying down naked with legs up. He says “ Cathie! Im a dentist not a gyno !” She says “ I know.. i need u to check my husbands teeth


And then she said ur going to need serious help ?


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

My doc said i should watch my drinking... i bought a mirror


----------



## Cathie G

Chubbs the tegu said:


> My doc said i should watch my drinking... i bought a mirror


I say live in Denial. It's more fun. And besides that you'd have to look at yourself ?


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

The teacher asks the class to use the word fascinate in a sentence. Johnny in the front room raises his hand and the teacher thinking oh, no, not Dirty Johnny... she picks Sally. Sally says "we went to the museum and I was fascinated," The teacher says thatʻs good, but the word is "fascinate". The teacher has to pick Johnny since he is the only other student raising his hand, and Johnny says "I have an aunt that has a sweater with 11 buttons. But her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.


----------



## TheLastGreen

A teacher asked a student to use dandelion in a sentence, he said :"Easy, the buck ran faster dan-de-lion."


----------



## TheLastGreen

Another one: What does a beaver say when it slips in a puddle? 
Damn it


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Ahhhh
Ahhh who?
Werewolves in London


----------



## Jan A

Snoopy’s mom said:


> Knock knock
> Who’s there?
> Ahhhh
> Ahhh who?
> Werewolves in London


One of my favorite songs!! They just don't write 'em like this anymore.


----------



## Toddrickfl1

I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Toddrickfl1 said:


> I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?


Oh dear! ?


----------



## Toddrickfl1

We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? 


It’s thinly sliced cabbage.


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

What has 2 legs and lives off dead beetles?


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Yoko Ono


----------



## Warren

Chubbs the tegu said:


> What has 2 legs and lives off dead beetles?


Yoko Ono!


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

So i was washing my truck with my son over the weekend...
He aske me “dad, can you use a sponge next time?”


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

I got pulled over on my way home from work today. The cop comes to my window and says “papers?” So i said “ scissors, i win!” And i drove off. Hes chased me for 45 min.. i think he wanted a rematch


----------



## Cathie G

What kind of picture does a tortoise take?
A shelfie.


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Cathie G said:


> What kind of picture does a tortoise take?
> A shelfie.


My fav teacher at school was named Mrs Turtle..
Strange name but she tortoise well


----------



## Humbug & Maz

Chubbs the tegu said:


> My fav teacher at school was named Mrs Turtle..
> Strange name but she tortoise well


CRYING! ?


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Humbug & Maz said:


> CRYING! ?


Dont be sad.. ur prob still smarter than me lol


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Besides shes now homeless... she carries her home on her back


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

A guy broke into a church.. the cops showed up and chased him around until they finally caught him by the organ


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

*naked guy


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

I blew that joke... wait ? not the way i should of worded that


----------



## Warren

Chubbs the tegu said:


> I blew that joke... wait ? not the way i should of worded that


So what are you saying is, that you play the organ. LOL


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Warren said:


> So what are you saying is, that you play the organ. LOL


U used to.. until covid hit and the price of tissues skyrocketed


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

*I smh


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Anyone else got shutoff at church? Dont serve wine if u dont want me to enjoy it


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Dude.


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Dudet


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Snoopy’s mom said:


> Dude.


I take that as a yes lol


----------



## Cathie G

Chubbs the tegu said:


> U used to.. until covid hit and the price of tissues skyrocketed


How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogy in it ?


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Cathie G said:


> How do you make a tissue dance?
> You put a little boogy in it ?


If u call it a boogie.. or little hahah


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Chubbs the tegu said:


> If u call it a boogie.. or little hahah


Wait!!! Is this my ex??? How did u know the pet name lil boogie???


----------



## Cathie G

Chubbs the tegu said:


> Wait!!! Is this my ex??? How did u know the pet name lil boogie???


Or know one when I see one ?


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Cathie G said:


> Or know one when I see one ?


I used to like u ?


----------



## Cathie G

Chubbs the tegu said:


> I used to like u ?


?


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

As the saying goes.. its cute but can it pick up peanuts off the ground haha


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

So weird.. its 8 pm here and a guy just knocked on my door and asked for a donation for the local swimming pool. Im a giving person so i gave him a glass of water


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

I think my neighbor is stalking me! I just saw her googling my name on her computer.. through my binoculars


----------



## Jan A

Chubbs the tegu said:


> *I smh


"You don't have to be dead to donate your organ. There, I said it for you.


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Yay Jan! ???


----------



## Jan A

Chubbs the tegu said:


> Anyone else got shutoff at church? Dont serve wine if u dont want me to enjoy it


It's impossible to enjoy Mogan David, which is the only wine served for communion in the Lutheran Church...i've done a survey. OTOH, MD 2020 over ice is a start!!


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Jan A said:


> It's impossible to enjoy Mogan David, which is the only wine served for communion in the Lutheran Church...i've done a survey. OTOH, MD 2020 over ice is a start!!


Im just kidding! I dont drink wine at church! U sicko... i bring a 12 pack


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

MD20/20 is the gateway alcohol


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Snoopy’s mom said:


> MD20/20 is the gateway alcohol


I dont even kno wth that is.. and i dont want to! ... i think ?


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Chubbs the tegu said:


> Im just kidding! I dont drink wine at church! U sicko... i bring a 12 pack


Thatʻs my in-laws. Leave your sins at the church door when you go in and pick em back up on your way to get more beer.


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Snoopy’s mom said:


> Thatʻs my in-laws. Leave your sins at the church door when you go in and pick em back up on your way to get more beer.


Calm down! We are not married yet


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Chubbs the tegu said:


> I dont even kno wth that is.. and i dont want to! ... i think ?


Just about the cheapest rot-gut "wine" you can find. The bottles are much prettier now, I only remember seeing them in a brown paper bag.


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Chubbs the tegu said:


> Calm down! We are not married yet


yet


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Snoopy’s mom said:


> yet


Just saying iffff.. would u accept one of those lollipop rings??


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

I mean dunked in ciroc of course


----------



## Jan A

Snoopy’s mom said:


> Just about the cheapest rot-gut "wine" you can find. The bottles are much prettier now, I only remember seeing them in a brown paper bag.
> 
> View attachment 335671


I've forgotten many an afternoon at the pool in my younger days due to MD 2020.


----------



## Maggie3fan

Chubbs the tegu said:


> I blew that joke... wait ? not the way i should of worded that


laughing out loud here...


----------



## Maggie3fan

Chubbs the tegu said:


> I dont even kno wth that is.. and i dont want to! ... i think ?


omg!!! mad dog 2020...I know I drank lots...or so 'they' tell me...


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Jan A said:


> It's impossible to enjoy Mogan David, which is the only wine served for communion in the Lutheran Church...i've done a survey. OTOH, MD 2020 over ice is a start!!


Morgan David is the MD in Mad Dog 20/20?! Or am I being dim again? Don’t laugh at me


----------



## Jan A

Snoopy’s mom said:


> Morgan David is the MD in Mad Dog 20/20?! Or am I being dim again? Don’t laugh at me


You got it, kid!!


----------



## Maggie3fan

Snoopy’s mom said:


> Morgan David is the MD in Mad Dog 20/20?! Or am I being dim again? Don’t laugh at me


And some Everclear to warm you up...lol


----------



## Jan A

maggie3fan said:


> And some Everclear to warm you up...lol


Not to be put in your drink at noon unless you want to be sleeping for the rest of the day, as I vaguely recall.


----------



## Cathie G

Jan A said:


> Not to be put in your drink at noon unless you want to be sleeping for the rest of the day, as I vaguely recall.


I drink a clear liquid but it ain't that stuff.?


----------



## Cathie G

It's been a very special day for me.? For the first time my 6 year old Razberri allowed me to cuddle with her on the couch today. ? I hope I haven't created a monster bunny. You know, one stuck where it's annoying ?


----------



## Jan A

Cathie G said:


> I drink a clear liquid but it ain't that stuff.?


I didn't intentionally drink it 44 yrs ago either. We were slipped a "mickey." My girlfriend & I ALMOST missed going to the disco that night.


----------



## Cathie G

Jan A said:


> I didn't intentionally drink it 44 yrs ago either. We were slipped a "mickey." My girlfriend & I ALMOST missed going to the disco that night.


Mines yellow and intentional ?


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb... he just cant part with it


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

What’s an alcoholic biker’s favorite drink?

Rummmmmm, rummmm


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

I saw a kid crying and asked where his parents were...
And thats how i lost my job at the orphanage


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

So i was late for work today. My boss yells “u should have been here at 6!” I reply “why?? What happened at 6?”


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

True story


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

What do you call a bull pleasuring himself?

beef stroganoff


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

A middle aged woman wakes up from vaginal tuck surgery and saw 3 flower bouquets. Upon reading the notes, the first was from the surgeon saying she did great. The second was from her husband saying he can’t wait to see her. The third was from a man in the burn unit saying thanks for the ears.


----------



## SPILL

I have a chemistry joke but don't think it will get a reaction.

I used to have a soap addiction but I'm clean now.

It takes guts to be an organ donor.

I don't trust trees. They seem shady.

Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks to the golf course? In case they get a hole in one.

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator.


----------



## Warren

Snoopy’s mom said:


> A middle aged woman wakes up from vaginal tuck surgery and saw 3 flower bouquets. Upon reading the notes, the first was from the surgeon saying she did great. The second was from her husband saying he can’t wait to see her. The third was from a man in the burn unit saying thanks for the ears.


Glad to hear that the burn patient got new ears, So now he can hear if anybody is "coming" or not. LOL


----------



## Toddrickfl1

I want to die in my sleep like my Grandpa, Not screaming and yelling like everybody else in his car.


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Snoopy’s mom said:


> A middle aged woman wakes up from vaginal tuck surgery and saw 3 flower bouquets. Upon reading the notes, the first was from the surgeon saying she did great. The second was from her husband saying he can’t wait to see her. The third was from a man in the burn unit saying thanks for the ears.


Dont worry.. just the q-TIP


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and i lost my job as a bus driver


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

For the holiday...
A husband walks in with a turkey under his arm.
Husband: “this is the pig i been sleeping with
Wife: thats a turkey not a pig
Husband: “i was talking to the turkey”


----------



## Zoeclare

Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter!


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Senior pick up jokes:
Come here often? If you do, can you tell me where I am?

That pretty smile of yours would sure look good in a glass on my nightstand

Hey baby, wanna help me test my hip replacement?


----------



## ZEROPILOT

Hello there.
I hadn't realized that this thread had all but died too. (Pretend chat)
Does anyone here have any experience with a PACEMAKER?
Apparently I may need one and it's bothering the Hell out of me.
Thanks.


----------



## Cathie G

Snoopy’s mom said:


> Senior pick up jokes:
> Come here often? If you do, can you tell me where I am?
> 
> That pretty smile of yours would sure look good in a glass on my nightstand
> 
> Hey baby, wanna help me test my hip replacement?


I'll have to get my prolia shot first


----------



## Cathie G

ZEROPILOT said:


> Hello there.
> I hadn't realized that this thread had all but died too. (Pretend chat)
> Does anyone here have any experience with a PACEMAKER?
> Apparently I may need one and it's bothering the Hell out of me.
> Thanks.


My dad could have used one when he was 38 years old. I wish they would have looked at that option for him. I can only hope your joking. But if they saw that you really need one I'll be glad that they helped you  I would hate to loose you.


----------



## Jan A

ZEROPILOT said:


> Hello there.
> I hadn't realized that this thread had all but died too. (Pretend chat)
> Does anyone here have any experience with a PACEMAKER?
> Apparently I may need one and it's bothering the Hell out of me.
> Thanks.


My mother-in-law got a pacemaker in her early or mid-80s. She lived to 96 (died early 2021) when either her full dementia, complications from dementia or her COVID shot did her in. She got at least annual checks on the pacemaker & replacing the battery wasn't a big deal. She still had 1-1/2 yrs left on the battery when she died. Her symptoms that made the pacemaker necessary were mainly dizziness & feeling faint. She took 1 pill/day that supplemented the pacemaker but I have no idea what it was. She wasn't athletic & refused to clean house, so I have no idea how or if the pacemaker restricts activities.

I hope you're getting good advice & treatment from your medical team. This old age stuff sucks.


----------



## Cathie G

Jan A said:


> My mother-in-law got a pacemaker in her early or mid-80s. She lived to 96 (died early 2021) when either her full dementia, complications from dementia or her COVID shot did her in. She got at least annual checks on the pacemaker & replacing the battery wasn't a big deal. She still had 1-1/2 yrs left on the battery when she died. Her symptoms that made the pacemaker necessary were mainly dizziness & feeling faint. She took 1 pill/day that supplemented the pacemaker but I have no idea what it was. She wasn't athletic & refused to clean house, so I have no idea how or if the pacemaker restricts activities.
> 
> I hope you're getting good advice & treatment from your medical team. This old age stuff sucks.


I'm thinking it was merely her age at that point. My dad died at 38. I would love to have had him as long as I could have. Even if the medical stuff isn't perfect it's better than dying so young.


----------



## ZEROPILOT

No. It's real.
The fact that I thought I posted this in the NUT HOUSE thread shows my state of mind.
I've had SVT since I was a kid and a lifetime of medication and two cardiac ablations are no longer keeping it under control.
The situation is rediculous 


Cathie G said:


> My dad could have used one when he was 38 years old. I wish they would have looked at that option for him. I can only hope your joking. But if they saw that you really need one I'll be glad that they helped you  I would hate to loose you.


----------



## Cathie G

ZEROPILOT said:


> No. It's real.
> The fact that I thought I posted this in the NUT HOUSE thread shows my state of mind.
> I've had SVT since I was a kid and a lifetime of medication and two cardiac ablations are no longer keeping it under control.
> The situation is rediculous


I'll keep my hopes and prayers headed for you  and yours. And well... you can't exactly call the nut house good jokes


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Cathie G said:


> I'll have to get my prolia shot firs





Cathie G said:


> I'll have to get my prolia shot first


Why did Pavlov have such great hair?

He conditioned it.


----------



## TammyJ

ZEROPILOT said:


> No. It's real.
> The fact that I thought I posted this in the NUT HOUSE thread shows my state of mind.
> I've had SVT since I was a kid and a lifetime of medication and two cardiac ablations are no longer keeping it under control.
> The situation is rediculous


Hey ...I have SVT too. But I am pretty old.


----------



## TammyJ

TammyJ said:


> Hey ...I have SVT too. But I am pretty old.


Tammy. Is that the best joke you can come up with???


----------



## Cathie G

Snoopy’s mom said:


> Why did Pavlov have such great hair?
> 
> He conditioned it.


You little brat. now I gotta go googleling to actually get it.


----------



## Cathie G

Snoopy’s mom said:


> Why did Pavlov have such great hair?
> 
> He conditioned it.


Ok I googled it and I still don't get it. What???? please explain  I must be really dense. I know it's going to wind up being a bad joke


----------



## Cathie G

Cathie G said:


> Ok I googled it and I still don't get it. What???? please explain  I must be really dense. I know it's going to wind up being a bad joke


Okay well then...if it has to do with animal behavior I do have a psycho cat  that needs don't eat your hair conditioning. It's still a bad joke


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Cathie G said:


> Ok I googled it and I still don't get it. What???? please explain  I must be really dense. I know it's going to wind up being a bad joke


Pavlov did an experiment, every time he fed his (or someone’s) dogs he rang a bell. He did that consistently over a period of time. Later every time he rang a bell the dogs would go to their food bowl whether there was food in it or not, or if it was feeding time or not. The dogs were conditioned to respond to the bell. 

He conditioned his hair was a play in the word conditioned


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

I had a lawsuit against an airline for losing my luggage.
..i lost the case


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

I tried catching a cloud once but I missed


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

I took a urine test today at the hospital…..
Man, my kleptomania is out of control


----------



## Cathie G

Chubbs the tegu said:


> I took a urine test today at the hospital…..
> Man, my kleptomania is out of control


I have no clue why I'm laughing


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Cathie G said:


> I have no clue why I'm laughing


Omg. If i have to explain it then its not funny haha


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

I stole the damn ****! U happy???


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Pee


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

I can say blue nipples but not p!ss smh lol


----------



## Cathie G

Chubbs the tegu said:


> I stole the damn ****! U happy???


Ok ok I know I'm dense. But hay I have an excuse  when I was young I was blond. Now I'm an ash blonde


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Cathie G said:


> Ok ok I know I'm dense. But hay I have an excuse  when I was young I was blond. Now I'm an ash blonde


Now ur just an ashhole


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? 
.. pregnant


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

What’s the opposite of urine?

You’re out


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

I got my license but I don’t h

Chubbs if you don’t get this, ( I don’t know what to threaten you with) I’ll I’ll do something. Or not do something maybe.


----------



## Cathie G

Snoopy’s mom said:


> I got my license but I don’t h
> 
> Chubbs if you don’t get this, ( I don’t know what to threaten you with) I’ll I’ll do something. Or not do something maybe.


What in the hecks a cado?


----------



## Cathie G

Cathie G said:


> What in the hecks a cado?


Oh my garsh just Google it


----------



## Blackdog1714

Snoopy’s mom said:


> I got my license but I don’t h
> 
> Chubbs if you don’t get this, ( I don’t know what to threaten you with) I’ll I’ll do something. Or not do something maybe.


Dude where's my kaaaar?


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

I don’t have a kaar though


----------



## jeff kushner

Watching from the sidelines, I thought it was going to be an easy layup.......(I don’t h)


it's wasn't......and that was as funny as the joke!

I'm sorry I've got nothing to contribute.......but you guys are funny as heck!


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Is it lost on anyone - or just me that Chubbs hasn’t made a snide remark yet?


----------



## Cathie G

Snoopy’s mom said:


> Is it lost on anyone - or just me that Chubbs hasn’t made a snide remark yet?


No it hasn't  I'm trying to get his goat too


----------



## Cathie G

What do you call a poor Santa Claus? "St. Nickel -less".


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Snoopy’s mom said:


> I got my license but I don’t h
> 
> Chubbs if you don’t get this,
> 
> 
> Snoopy’s mom said:
> 
> 
> 
> I got my license but I don’t h
> 
> Chubbs if you don’t get this, ( I don’t know what to threaten you with) I’ll I’ll do something. Or not do something maybe.
> 
> 
> 
> not bad haha i ate a clock ysterday.. it was sooo time consuming! It was a good way to pass the time tho
Click to expand...


----------



## Cathie G

Hello


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Cathie G said:


> Hello


Hellooo ! How was ur thanksgiving?


----------



## Cathie G

Chubbs the tegu said:


> Hellooo ! How was ur thanksgiving?


Well I cooked the week before and ate a bunch of leftovers. I did do the turkey and dressing that day . The funny part was I did pumpkin pie from my 2 fresh pie pumpkins. I had to have my son rescue me because I couldn't even poke a hole in the two. And they were pie pumpkins for heavens sake. He brought one of his knives that he can use at a campsite and we still had to use a 2×4 block of wood to hammer down thru the dang things. They did not want to get ate. But to durn bad. I have more than enough frozen pumpkin puree to have fresh pumpkin pie at Christmas too. And the outer shells are as hard as wood and I can't bear to throw them away


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Cathie G said:


> Well I cooked the week before and ate a bunch of leftovers. I did do the turkey and dressing that day . The funny part was I did pumpkin pie from my 2 fresh pie pumpkins. I had to have my son rescue me because I couldn't even poke a hole in the two. And they were pie pumpkins for heavens sake. He brought one of his knives that he can use at a campsite and we still had to use a 2×4 block of wood to hammer down thru the dang things. They did not want to get ate. But to durn bad. I have more than enough frozen pumpkin puree to have fresh pumpkin pie at Christmas too. And the outer shells are as hard as wood and I can't bear to throw them away


Sounds like a hell of a time haha i think i gained 15 lbs lol… just reading ur post


----------



## Cathie G

Chubbs the tegu said:


> Sounds like a hell of a time haha i think i gained 15 lbs lol… just reading ur post


I'll never get over what we had to do to cut 2 little pie pumpkins in half. It was ridiculous. We needed a dang hatchet  but it was so good. I was eating the puree just plain and still got 10 cups for the 2 pies and the freezer yum.


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Cathie G said:


> I'll never get over what we had to do to cut 2 little pie pumpkins in half. It was ridiculous. We needed a dang hatchet  but it was so good. I was eating the puree just plain and still got 10 cups for the 2 pies and the freezer yum.


Im dying here hahaha


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Apparently, someone in the usa gets stabbed every 52 seconds….. poor bastard


----------



## Cathie G

Chubbs the tegu said:


> Im dying here hahaha


Don't die on me  I need my music soon. I'll tell you when not to post the video I promise.


----------



## Chubbs the tegu

Cathie G said:


> Don't die on me  I need my music soon. I'll tell you when not to post the video I promise.


To the nut house bar and grill.. music and spirits haha


----------



## Cathie G

Chubbs the tegu said:


> To the nut house bar and grill.. music and spirits haha


Sounds good to me


----------



## Cathie G

Cause that's what he looks like


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Not getting this one?


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

Oh! I got a *****!


----------



## Snoopy’s mom

I got a pu$$y!


----------



## Snoopy’s mom




----------



## Blackdog1714

I just ordered some Tarantula Azul Tequila and just awaiting my pickup is ready email! No tarantulas where used in making it!!!


----------

