# Smashing Mark - a tale of tortoises and terror



## Madkins007

*Note from Kristina*

The following is a pretty darn hilarious story from the twisted brain of our very own Mark. We felt that it was just too darn good to keep all to ourselves in the moderator only section. This is what your TFO moderator team was doing when we were SUPPOSED to be compiling a "to do" list of forum updates for Josh. 

I hope you enjoy  

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Not in a rush for anything on this end. Got any other ideas for articles? I am not bored or anything (got to get another review for The_Gadgeteer.com done tonight or tomorrow among other things), but I actually work best when I have a little pressure on me.


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## Jacqui

*RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2*

*places a large concrete block onto Mark* There is that enough pressure or should I do another one???


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## Kristina

*RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2*

*sits on the concrete block* I got your back, Jacqui!


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## Jacqui

*RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2*



Kristina said:


> *sits on the concrete block* I got your back, Jacqui!



*looks at where on Mark the block is that Kristina is sitting on* I think you have Mark's back, too!   Sure is nice to have folks such as yourself K, watching my back.


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## Madkins007

*RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2*

*gasp wheeze* he he he eeee.... *** ...


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## Kristina

*RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2*

LOL!!!!


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## Jacqui

*RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2*

Question.... is Mark always that funny shade of blue??????


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## Madkins007

*RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2*

{waving arms feebly} gurk* wheeze.. (gurgling noises)...


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## Jacqui

*RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2*

*hands Kristina another cement block* That might do the trick.


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## Madkins007

*RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2*

He was laying there peacefully, other than the twitching little left finger and faint 'heee- hee- heee- hee' sounds of breathing attempts.

In the meantime, one of his faithful tortoises, Chelan, had scrambled back to the kitchen to warn Ann of Mark's predicament. 

"What is it boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well again? No... that can't be it. We capped that well, and sold Timmy off years ago. Come on, speak, boy, speak!"

Chelan hung his head over his inability to articulate even a simple meaningful sound. He briefly considered Charades, but had no clue how he would indicate anything like "6 words. First sounds like" without fingers or the ability to hear most voice sounds. Dang! Even Flipper could communicate better than this and he was just an overgrown fish! (Yes, we all know that dolphins are mammals, but it seems cruel to point this out to poor Chelan at this time.)

Suddenly, he had an idea! He began to urinate the message! "M A R K I S B E I N..."

Ann screamed. "What the heck are you doing on my clean kitchen floor?" She quickly grabbed him up and deposited him back in the pen. She returned to the kitchen to clean the floor, mumbling all the way. 'Why in the heck does he keep tortoises, of all the silly pets for a grown man. Mumble, mutter, yada yada yadda" as she began to swing the mop around.

Is this the end of our stalwart hero? Will he succumb to the twins of terror? Will Chelan ever deliver the important message?

Tune in later to learn the answers to these and other burning questions!


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## Jacqui

*RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2*

*quickly sits down next to Kristina in wait for the next installment* Would anybody care for some nice fresh popcorn???


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## Madkins007

*RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2*

It might almost be a normal spring day in Nebraska. Two attractive women, sitting on a pile of concrete blocks, munching popcorn... had it not been for the fact that there were arms and legs poking out of the bottom of the pile, muffled groans for help being ignored by the "Twins of Terror" ((C) All Rights Reserved). 

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Chelan, the ever faithful Brazilian red-footed tortoise was telling his pen-mates what was happening and about his humiliating attempt to communicate Mark's predicament to his wife.

"Perhaps urine was the wrong medium?" Balaton offered. "Maybe you should have used poo instead?"

"I thought of that" Chelan replied, "but I did not think I had enough available to do the whole message."

"Good point." The rest of the herd nodded in agreement.

"The question before the assemblage now is what can we do about this?" The herd harumphed together. "True." That IS the question." "What indeed?"

Meanwhile, back at the concrete pile, Mark's life was rushing before his eyes. Fortunately, it bored him so much that it dulled the crushing pain. 

"By George, I think I've got it!" Atticus exclaimed. "Let's use the Plot Device!" 

"Yes, the Plot Device!" "Good show, old man!" "Well done!" The others chimed in with agreement. 

Atticus went into the hide and activated the secret control that whisked them deep to the hidden underground lair. They went to the equipment room and sorted through the shelves crowded with WMDs, doomsday devices, dog feces detectors, and other such stuff as makes a tortoise's life bearable. "Ah hah! Here it is!" Duke had found the Plot Device where it lay in a back corner.

Ah- the Plot Device! The wonderful machine that puts Doctor Who's Sonic Screwdriver to shame! It sat in the dim corner and glowed faintly with portents and power. 

Egads, will the tortoises make it in time? What exactly does the Plot Device do? How long will it take for them to remember that they can't find the manual? What sort of flavorings do you think the Twins of Terror (patent pending) use on their popcorn?

Tune in later, same tort-time, same tort-channel!


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## Jacqui

*RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2*

Kristina are you worried yet?


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## Kristina

*RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2*

OMG, I just LOL'ed in the middle of my work place and got a LOT of funny looks... I'm dying here. 

I like caramel  Kettle corn is good too.....


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## Madkins007

*RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2*

The scene could be anywhere in much of the world. A woodsy glen is filled with lush grass and spring wildflowers. Birds are singing gaily in the trees and squirrels chitter and dash around in the nearby trees. One might even think the two lovely women sitting on a small pile of concrete blocks and chatting happily as they munched their popcorn were just out enjoying the sunny day, even tossing occasional kernels to the birds and sly chipmunks. 

One might think that, that is, until one noticed the faintly struggling person under the blocks.

One might even notice a certain hush in the forest, as if all the woodland creatures had gone silent as they observed something portentous passing along. Indeed- were one to look closely, one would see a most amazing sight.

Three Brazilian red-footed tortoises were carefully moving on the path, each bearing one leg of a tripod supporting an ominous-looking machine, softly glowing in a blue nimbus. A fourth tortoise was on point, setting the path and pace, and holding a sort of leash in his mouth- a leash that led back to the Device. 

Now, most people, unaware of the capabilities of real-life tortoises, might assume that this queer quartet would be moving slowly- almost comically slowly- as they bore their burden through the boughs. Those people would be right. Not only were they being very careful to not let their burden fall, they were, indeed, tortoises and just not all that fast. Duh!

The woodland creatures are wise to the ways of their lands, and very aware of what happens in it. They instinctively recognized that something out of the ordinary was happening. A trio of tortoises toting a tripod-perched tool of some unrecognizable design certainly caught their attention. Had the Twins of Terror (now a Major Motion Picture!) been paying attention instead of eating popcorn and talking about poo and substrates and other vital topics, they might have noticed the silence building to the west. 

Even if they missed that, they might have noticed that every bird around was circling the forest just to the south of them- bluebirds flying beside eagles, and sparrows beside owls. The tortoises noticed.

"Bloody hell. You think ONE of them would offer to help." One of the tortoises, grumpy after all the work it too to smuggle the Device out of the pen and dragging it this far. The others barely had the energy to nod their heads in agreement. 

"Just a bit further." Duke, in his Black Tartarian outfit, called out. Normally Duke dressed as the dread BT just as a bit of a lark or for one of the comic conventions he regularly attended. Today, however, he wore it for the extra protection it offered to prevent him from being seen. The other three would not have to venture as far out into the glen as he would in order to aim and fire the Device. Besides, as we all know, red-footed tortoises are deep rainforest creatures that live in dread of the sun. 

Atticus took a bad step and stumbled, almost throwing the Device to the ground. "Hey, steady on there!" one of them called out. The other murmured his tired agreement. Duke hushed them all, reminding them that they were close, very close. He set the triggering device down and sprinted ahead to scout out their position.

"OK, lads. Another meter along the trail, then we will do a smart pivot to the left and approach them from behind. They are both chatting away, so should not notice us until it is too late." The determined tortoises took their final positions. 

Duke took the trigger cord and moved to the side to give the Device as much room as he could. Birds and squirrels were lined up on nearly every branch, shoulder to shoulder, watching eagerly. The tension was so thick, you could cut it with a knife and serve it for breakfast, maybe with a bit of cream on it.

"Ready" Duke mumbled around the trigger unit in his mouth. "Aim!" The team cautiously shifted a bit to the right. "FIRE!"

And you pretty much knew we would pause there, didn't you? Right at the worst possible moment- just when the LAST thing on your mind was another commercial for some automotive-themed soda pop or an offer to do your taxes to make your hair shinier- right?

To learn the fate of our herd of heros, our trio of tortoise-y terrificness, our band of shell brothers- not to mention the poor schmuck under the rocks... is he even still alive? Tune in to the next installment of "Shell Shocked", or "Crushed By Your Love" (Call 1-800-333-3232 to vote for your favorite episode title, $1 per call. One random winner will be chosen each day to receive an iPad or tortoise of your choice.)


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## Jacqui

*RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2*


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## Kristina

*RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2*

OMG Mark.... You are killing me....


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## Yvonne G

*RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2*

Who knew Mark was so talented? I can hardly wait to read the next episode.


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## Madkins007

*RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2*

Since I have NO IDEA what is going to happen next, you are welcome to join the others on the concrete pile. I bet they have enough popcorn for you!


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## Jacqui

*RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2*

*moves over the cooler and takes out in one hand a pie and in the other ice cream* Yvonne, would you rather have one of these? And yes, Kristina, you can have some, too. *reaches back into the ice cooler and removes a large chunk of ice. The takes the chunk and places it on Mark's spine* See Mark, I do think of you, too!


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## Yvonne G

*RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2*

What flavor ice cream? I'm partial to chocolate chip.....OOPS! sorry Mark...I didn't see your hand laying there. crunch


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## Jacqui

*RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2*

I knew that Yvonne and so that's what I brought!


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## dmmj

*RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2*

I see josh's to do list turned into smash mark thread.


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## Kristina

*RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2*

Smashing Mark is just so much more fun.

Any superman ice cream in there?


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## Yvonne G

*RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2*

No, wait...I don't think there's room here on the cinder blocks for David.


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## Madkins007

*RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2*

[Superman ice cream? Googled it- pretty cool! Actually- damn COLD as it melts on my back! Where are the tortoises, anyway? HELP!!!!!]

....................................................................................................................

"WAIT!" Balathon shouted! "Someone else is coming up!" It was true, the Twins of Terror were now the TRIO OF TERROR! (There should be some reverb and thunder effects in your mind every time you read that.) 

"And look! They brought ice cream!" The horror! The horror! How dark the hearts of these women to snack gaily on brightly colored frozen confections as the tortoise's noble and beloved master was laying beneath the crushing stones, struggling to breathe. His pain touched his herd and they steeled their hearts for what lay ahead.

"Steady on, men! This does not change the plans! Re-aim and prepare to fire!"

Chelan quietly asked "Would this be a good time to put the batteries in?" 

"Bloody hell" Duke as the Black Tartarian grunted. "You are right. We did figure it would be better to do this in the filed, didn't we? Good call, lad!" He unhitched the batteries from his back sling and opened the compartment.

"DAMNATION!" he roared! "We need AA and we only brought AAA!" 

"But the battery cover said UM4, isn't that the AA?"

"No, no. That is the Japanese designation. UM3 is AA and UM4 is AAA. UM2 is C, 1 is D, etc." 

"But I thought the old, mostly unused A battery was designated as UM3" This triggered a round of spirited discussion on the vagarities of battery nomenclature and the effects of nationalism in making all the conflicting naming conventions. Normally the herd could discuss such things for hours or even days at a time, but they were rather rushed by the faint squeaking they could hear from under the stones- a squeaking that sounded enough like hatching eggs that it sent chills down their shell-entrapped spines.

Fortunately, Duke knew that the AAA could fit in a space for a AA by adding about 6mm to the length- a ball of foil or scrap of aluminum would work- and some padding to the sides. Fortunately, one of the side effects of having humans on the planet is that stuff like this was generally easy to come by. A discarded wad of gum in the wrapper gave him most of the tools needed and as the rest of the herd continued their discussion of the ramifications of the disparity between Chinese and Japanese numbering systems he was able to get the batteries to fit well enough to power up the light on the control box.

"Gentletortoises, please, we are back on track and the game is afoot! Stations, please!" 

They quickly were back on task, and the woodland creatures once again turned their attention to the spectacle about to unfold. The Black Tartarian got the TRIO OF TERROR (error, error, ror, r) in his sights, flipped off the safely, got the aiming reticules back on line (ignoring a voice deep within urging him to 'use the Force, Duke') and called out "FIRE!" Biting the control at the same moment.

The Plot Device glowed, hummed, began to vibrate hideously. The teeth of animals blessed enough to have them cursed at them as they began to vibrate painfully in their jaws. The assembled animals tool a step back, just to be safe. A whine began to escalate to a crescendo and the tortoises all withdrew in their shells.

The mighty Plot Device gave out a terrible "PHHHHHAAAAARRRTTTT" noise and stank the place up.

After a heartbeat of silence, the animals began to crack up. A robin fell out of the tree laughing, and a nearby ferret exploded in mirth. And, to top things off- the TRIO OF TERROR (*rumble*) was now looking right at them!


And now for a word from our sponsor: Have you gotten bored with your ice cream? Finding the chocolate rather... tedious? Vanilla? Hah! Tired of all the stupis Ben and Jerry names- what IS a Stephen Colbert Americone, anyway? Spumoni sounding about right, but not in season?

We here at the Meijers Institute of Psychedelic Ice Cream Flavors have you covered! Try Superman Ice Cream! A mix of yellow-tinted Vanilla, Blue Moon- which we had to invent for this purpose- and Black Cherry for the perfect combination of flavors so awesome, it makes Chuck Norris giggle like a little girl!

Meanwhile, back in the glen, which apparently is in Michigan, home of Superman Ice Cream, which is really weird because Mark lives in Nebraska, but that is besides the main point here, which is 'why are the tortoises talking with British accents?'

What? Oh, sorry... lost my train of thought. Still trying to figure out what 'blue moon' ice cream would taste like. According to Wikipedia- it tastes like Fruit Loops, and is mostly available in the same region as Superman Ice Cream, which sounds like a plot to me. Here I thought the Plot Device was going to be the most absurd element in this play, then I discover THIS! Can you blame me for getting a bit off topic?

Eh? What was that? Well, I NEVER! You don't have to use that tone with me young lady! I'll get back to the point... eventually.

Lessee... where were we? Tortoises assembled, machine farted, TRIO OF TERROR alerted. Damn. I think our guys are in trouble, don't you? Whew. This narrating work is exhausting. Do you mind if I join you on those rocks? I brought some of my own Superman Ice Cream- part of the research, you know. Does anyone have a spoon?


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## Jacqui

*RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2*

*hands over a spoon*


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## Kristina

*RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2*

I know for a fact that Jacqui licked that spoon before she gave it to you....


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## Jacqui

*RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2*



Kristina said:


> I know for a fact that Jacqui licked that spoon before she gave it to you....



Your such a tattler!!  Atleast you didn't tell him what I did with it AFTER I licked it...


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## Madkins007

*RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2*

The tortoises were staring at the concrete pile, and every animal for miles around was fixated on it as well- jaws agape.

There were four people on there, and one of them was clearly Mark- eating some obscenely colored ice cream as the [reverb]TRIO OF TERROR [/reverb] were staring at the admittedly unusual site of a small herd of smallish tortoises lugging around the ominous Plot Device.

"My God!" Said Balathon excitedly, "The Plot Device seems to have distracted the TRIO OF TERROR as it extracted our benevolent master from his rocky crypt!"

"So why is he still there? Why doesn't he run? Does he not understand the danger he is in?"

"Do you suppose he might be damaged somehow? Cognitively, I mean."

"Hmm, that would explain a lot!" The others chimed in with this, nodding knowingly.

.........................

"By the way, girls- what is up with this TRIO OF TERROR bit? You are all pretty nice people. Why are you the bad guys here?" Mark asked as he took another spoonful of the artificially cheerfully colored ice cream.

"Huh? Oh, we were just on our way to the local comic book convention." Jacqui said. 

"Yeah- we did not really like any of the stereotypical female heros- you know, the whole Barbie doll supermodel-look thing with powers generally significantly weaker than the males, while wearing tighter and fewer clothes."

"So we came up with our own stuff that celebrated more the idea of having cool but semi-realistic powers..."

"...and we did the villains bit because they usually have more fun, both in the comics and at the conventions..."

"...and our costumes are more like what real heros would wear- tough, lots of pockets, easy to move in, layering, etc. We actually got most of this stuff at the thrift store or military surplus shop..."

"... we've even got a website and sell a comic strip we did based on the group..."

"... oh, and then there is the... HEY! Wait a minute! If you are here, then who is under the stones?"

The TRIO jumped to their feet and began to shift the weighty blocks. It quickly turned out that it was a cheap scarecrow- clothes stuffed with newspaper. The TRIO turned to confront Mark- who was already across the glen and well on his way home.



Mark entered his home and gave his wife a hug. "So, you are finally back. Just wait till you hear about my day. Do you have anything important you are working on now?"

"Nothing pressing."

THE END!


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## Yvonne G

*RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2*

"Nothing *pressing*"

LOL!!


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## Kristina

In order to keep the original tale intact, I created a discussion thread and closed this one. You can find the discussion thread here - http://www.tortoiseforum.org/Thread-Smashing-Mark-discussion-let-the-hilarity-continue#axzz1lASyU3FS


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## Madkins007

*RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2*



emysemys said:


> "Nothing *pressing*"
> 
> LOL!!


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## Madkins007

You know, I am still waiting for someone to offer to buy the film rights for this off of me.


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