# jokes



## dmmj

A woman arrives at the pearly gates
...and meets Saint Peter. She says, "I was supposed to look up my husband when I got here." Saint Peter asks, "What's his name?" She answers, "Smith."
Saint Peter replies, "I've got hundreds of thousands of Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?"
She responds, "His name is John Smith." Saint Peter says, "I got thousands of John Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?"
She answers, "He's got red hair."
He replies, "I have hundreds of red haired John Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?"
She responds, "Well, he told me to always remain faithful to his memory, or else he'd roll over in his grave!"
Saint Peter says, "Oh, you mean Pinwheel Smith!"

My wife told me she wanted to see a huge diamond for her birthday So I took her to a baseball game

So a blonde cop pulls over a blonde driver...
The blonde cop says "I need to see your license". The blonde driver digs through her purse for awhile, and says "I can't find it. What does it look like?".
So the cop, making a rectangle with her hands, says "it's rectangular, and has your picture on it". The blonde driver searches through her purse but can't find it. She finally comes up with the only rectangular item, a small mirror.
She looks at it, shrugs, and hands it to the blonde cop. The blonde cop looks at it, shrugs, and hands it back to the blonde driver. "Oh, you can go" the blonde cop says "I didn't realize you were a cop".

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. But only if the light bulb really wants to change.

Two blondes are on a hike through the woods n They come across some tracks and stop to figure out what type they are. One blonde insists they're bobcat tracks, the other thinks they're moose tracks. Before they can figure it out, the train hits them.


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## tortadise

Lol. Those are good. I like the blonde ones.


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## bouaboua

Not fair to the blonde....but it is funny.


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## dmmj

bouaboua said:


> Not fair to the blonde....but it is funny.


In the interest of full disclosure, I am blond., Dirty blond.


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## tortadise

I have blond hairs in my beard, my arm hairs turn blonde too. I think it's because I work outside all day though.


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## jaizei

dmmj said:


> In the interest of full disclosure, I am blond., Dirty blond.



Is there any other kind?


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## Cowboy_Ken

jaizei said:


> Is there any other kind?


Hey wait…no you're right


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## wellington

Those are great. Yes the blonde ones are too funny. Really laughed at the cop one. So glad you are back. I so missed your jokes


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## ascott

Two blondes are in a car and they are driving to Disneyland, they come upon a sign that reads "Disneyland left"...so they turned around and went home.....


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## yillt

This joke is lame but I will share it anyway. 
What is a no eyed deer called - no idea
What is a no eyed deer with no legs called - still no idea 
Still -, because he has no legs so he can't walk. Lol


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## Kerryann

That last joke made me laugh out loud. I am a reddish blond, it's like being dirty but sorta spicy too.


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## Cowboy_Ken

This one is a bit “off color" but fun just the same;

Earnie said to Flo, “Flo, when I'm 70, I'm gonna marry a 20 year old lady!"
Flo said to Earnie, “Earnie, when I'm 70, I'm gonna marry me a 20 year old man!"
Earnie said,“But Flo, that's just what I said!"
To which Flo responded, “Earnie, 20 goes into 70 more than 70 goes into 20!"


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## turtledan77

Been a long time since I heard a good blonde joke... the wait continues


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## Cowboy_Ken

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."


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## Cowboy_Ken

I've posted this before, I believe, in a different thread. 

What do you get when you cross a brown chicken and brown cow?

“Brown chicken brown cow,
Chicken brown cow. 
Brown chicken brown cow,
Chicken brown cow."


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## Cowboy_Ken

Everyone knows what you get when you play a country song backwards, right?


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## AZtortMom

Your wife comes back with your dog in your pick up truck


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## Maggie Cummings

Good one! Shows Ken he ain't the only Redneck at this rodeo!!!


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## Maggie Cummings

Jacqui...How many truck drivers does it take to change a light bulb? 4, but they have to sit around and complain about it first...


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## Cowboy_Ken

Needs no explanation…


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## Cowboy_Ken

How do you know someone is a vegetarian?

They tell you!

That one killed me. It's so freakin true. No disrespect to my friends, just a solid laugh at your expense.


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## tortoisetime565

How do you clean a turtle for turtle soup!?



You lift its tail and wipe its butt!!! Bwahahahhah!


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## Kapidolo Farms

I blind guy with a cane hears loud voices and smells he is near a bar and walks in, finds a stool and sits for a beer. He mentions to the bar tender he has a great blond joke to tell. Sitting next to him is a blond woman who leans over and tells him that she is blond, and a black belt in some obscure martial art, that the bartender is a bar maid and blond and is heavily armed, that the woman sitting on the other side of him is blond and a cop with a gun. She then asks the blind guy, so, do you really want to tell a blond joke now. He considers what the woman sitting next to him has said, then replies, you know, you are right I shouldn't tell that joke, I'd have to explain it three times.


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## Kapidolo Farms

*Thinkers Anonymous*
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone "to relax," I told myself but I knew it wasn't true.
Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunch time so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking ..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.

"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors... They didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground, clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting.

At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.

Life just seemed ... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.


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## Kapidolo Farms

I have 2 large dogs and was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-mart and was in line to check out. The woman behind me asked if I had a dog? DUH? On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time. But I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes everywhere and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her. Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me?

I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy standing behind her was going to need help as he staggered to the door laughing.


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## Tom

Will said:


> I have 2 large dogs and was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-mart and was in line to check out. The woman behind me asked if I had a dog? DUH? On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time. But I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes everywhere and IVs in both arms.
> 
> I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her. Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me?
> 
> I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy standing behind her was going to need help as he staggered to the door laughing.




This one is no joke. I 100% believe you really did this one and pulled it off with a completely straight face!


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## dmmj

I guess I have been slacking off
ROBOT FOR SALE: 
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. 
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. 
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. 
The son says, "I did some homework." 
The robot slaps the son. 
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies." 
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" 
Son says, "Toy Story." 
The robot slaps the son. 
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn." 
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was." 
The robot slaps the father. 
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." 
The robot slaps the mother.

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. 
Usually she slept through the class. 
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" 
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. 
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. 
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR BUTT!" 
The Teacher fainted. 

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. 
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. 
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. 
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." 
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" 
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately 
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my 
gas with the beat of the music. 
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, 
and noticed that everybody was staring at me.... 
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. 
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. 
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." 
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. 
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. 
She then asked him, "How does that feel?" 
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."


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## AZtortMom

dmmj said:


> I guess I have been slacking off
> ROBOT FOR SALE:
> A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
> He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
> The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
> The son says, "I did some homework."
> The robot slaps the son.
> The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
> Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
> Son says, "Toy Story."
> The robot slaps the son.
> Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn."
> Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was."
> The robot slaps the father.
> Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
> The robot slaps the mother.
> 
> Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
> Usually she slept through the class.
> One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
> When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
> A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
> Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR BUTT!"
> The Teacher fainted.
> 
> An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
> The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
> 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
> The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
> "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
> The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
> The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
> 
> I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
> needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
> gas with the beat of the music.
> After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
> and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
> Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
> 
> A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
> Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
> The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
> "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
> But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
> She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
> To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."


Bravo!


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## Kerryann

Best jokes I have heard in a long time.


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## Kapidolo Farms

Tom said:


> This one is no joke. I 100% believe you really did this one and pulled it off with a completely straight face!


Tom, I would never play with someone like that, especially a stranger who I have never seen before and will never see again.


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## sibi

Will said:


> Tom, I would never play with someone like that, especially a stranger who I have never seen before and will never see again.




Will, lighten up... your response had me rolling... you are hilarious


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## Tom

Will said:


> Tom, I would never play with someone like that, especially a stranger who I have never seen before and will never see again.



Uh huh. Okay.

Will? Do you play poker? You might want to give it a try, if not...


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## sibi

Tom said:


> Uh huh. Okay.
> 
> Will? Do you play poker? You might want to give it a try, if not...




Tom, you're too funny. That whole set-up was genius!


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## Kapidolo Farms

Some of the funny things I have done would be to onerous to write well enough for anyone to read. But I've pulled a few here and there.


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## sibi

Will said:


> Some of the funny things I have done would be to onerous to write well enough for anyone to read. But I've pulled a few here and there.




Will, you're a good sport! You're funnier than you think


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## Yellow Turtle01

Hey... I'm blonde!


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## smarch

Yellow Turtle01 said:


> Hey... I'm blonde!


 LOL i'm blond too but can't help to laugh at blond jokes for the whole sake of the fact that I'm not an airhead blond.


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## Cowboy_Ken

smarch said:


> LOL i'm blond too but can't help to laugh at blond jokes for the whole sake of the fact that I'm an airhead blond.


Quote is now perfect! Ha!


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## Abdulla6169

Cowboy_Ken said:


> Quote is now perfect! Ha!


This just made my day!


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## Yellow Turtle01

smarch said:


> LOL i'm blond too but can't help to laugh at blond jokes for the whole sake of the fact that I'm not an airhead blond.


I know, but how did blondes get the stupid sticker in the first place? In like, everything?


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## Abdulla6169

Yellow Turtle01 said:


> I know, but how did blondes get the stupid sticker in the first place? In like, everything?


This is probably why (copied from the internet):
People with blonde hair and blue eyes have been considered more attractive than people with other hair colors in European/Caucasian cultures. In culture and advertising, this perception gained ground with the advent of colored films. Movies like “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes” and actors like Diana Dors, Marilyn Monroe, Barbara Eden, Mae West, Joan Blondell, Jean Harlow, Lana Turner and Brigitte Bardot portrayed characters that were blonde, available to men with an explosive sexuality and a marked absence of intelligence or good judgment. In cinema, these blonde stereotypes gave birth to the “dumb blonde” stereotype which has been propagated in pop culture to this very day.


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## Yellow Turtle01

AbdullaAli said:


> This is probably why (copied from the internet):
> People with blonde hair and blue eyes have been considered more attractive than people with other hair colors in European/Caucasian cultures. In culture and advertising, this perception gained ground with the advent of colored films. Movies like “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes” and actors like Diana Dors, Marilyn Monroe, Barbara Eden, Mae West, Joan Blondell, Jean Harlow, Lana Turner and Brigitte Bardot portrayed characters that were blonde, available to men with an explosive sexuality and a marked absence of intelligence or good judgment. In cinema, these blonde stereotypes gave birth to the “dumb blonde” stereotype which has been propagated in pop culture to this very day.


Thanks  but kind of  I have both blonde hair AND blue eyes, (talk about weird genetic fail, no else in my close family has either) I get a lot of 'blonde' jokes! I think it's probably less-now, in modern culture, than it was, say, 20 year ago (guessing)


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## smarch

Yellow Turtle01 said:


> I know, but how did blondes get the stupid sticker in the first place? In like, everything?


Umm I believe Paris Hilton had something to do with it? Lol And usually dumb blond stereotypes aren't even from real blonds!


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## Abdulla6169

Here's an old classic sexist joke:
A man tells his friend: No evil enters this door. His friend replies: How does your wife enter?  
This joke is only meant for entertainment purposes.


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## Cowboy_Ken

AbdullaAli said:


> Here's an old classic sexist joke:
> A man tells his friend: No evil enters this door. His friend replies: How does your wife enter?
> This joke is only meant for entertainment purposes.


To which he replies, “she uses the back door"!


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## Tort-Rex

Yellow Turtle01 said:


> Thanks  but kind of  I have both blonde hair AND blue eyes, (talk about weird genetic fail, no else in my close family has either) I get a lot of 'blonde' jokes! I think it's probably less-now, in modern culture, than it was, say, 20 year ago (guessing)


I have blonde hair and blue eyes too, whenever I hear blonde jokes, I don't get offended, I just ignore them and think about how I don't fit the stereotype description of blondes 
It's weird, even my twin doesn't have blonde hair OR blue eyes....


-Tort-Rex/Colleen


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## Cowboy_Ken

See, I'm b/b as well and I love blond jokes. I typically ask if they had wisdom teeth removed. Mine didn't develop, no buds or nothing. “Looking for Mr. Goodbar? Here I is!"


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## Abdulla6169

Blonde joke:
Chemistry teacher:
Anyone know anything about nuclear bombs? Or any bombs for the matter?
Blonde:
I was once acting at a play, no one showed up. The director said it bombed, so I have some experience with those


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## Abdulla6169

You know he hates you when you say "I'm on a cliff" on Facebook & he pokes you 
When do airplants wake up?
"Air"ly


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## T33's Torts

Okay, my best friend's a blonde, but she told me this one..

A blonde walks into a job interview, an hour late. The man behind the desk asks, "Miss, why weren't you here on time?" She replies, "I couldn't get up here Sir." Confused, the man says, "Did you not get the office number?" "I got it." "Could you not find parking?" "I found parking alright." Becoming rather irritated, the man yells, "THEN WHY THE HELL ARE YOU SO LATE?!?!" The blonde shakes her head, "The escalator isn't working!"


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## Abdulla6169

Son: From which parent did I get all my logic & thinking skills?
Mom: it was me  
Dad: she's right, I still have mine!


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## yillt

Why can't a blonde dial 911. 
She can't find the 11 (eleven).


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## Cowboy_Ken

AbdullaAli said:


> Son: From which parent did I get all my logic & thinking skills?
> Mom: it was me
> Dad: she's right, I still have mine!


When my daughter was young, folks would tell me how pretty and smart she was. I'd proudly say, “Yup, she got her looks from me, that's why I'm so ugly. And she got her brains from, well her mom!"


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## Abdulla6169

Dad: Im gonna give you twice your monthly allowance from now on...
Son: I don't get a monthly allowance?
Dad: exactly


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## Abdulla6169

A blonde enters music class.
Teacher: Repeat after me,
Do re _me_ fa sol la ti.
Blonde:
Do re _you_ fa sol la ti.


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## Cowboy_Ken

A couple from The New Yorker magazine,

“A husband speaking to his wife asks,“Gays and lesbians getting married? Haven't they suffered enough?"

A dog says to another dog,“On the Internet, no one knows you're a dog!"


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## Cowboy_Ken

Cowboy_Ken said:


> A couple from The New Yorker magazine,
> 
> “A husband speaking to his wife asks,“Gays and lesbians getting married? Haven't they suffered enough?"
> 
> A dog says to another dog,“On the Internet, no one knows you're a dog!"


Or a tortoise!!!!


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## AZtortMom

Anymore good jokes lately?


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## ascott

AZtortMom said:


> Anymore good jokes lately?



_Blonde: *"What does IDK stand for?"*
Brunette: *"I don’t know."*
Blonde: *"OMG, nobody does!"*_


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## dmmj

A man goes to the doctor to get checked out. The doctor says " you have to stop masturbating" The man says "why?"
The doctor says " because I am trying to examine you. "
A little off color.


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## Cowboy_Ken

dmmj said:


> A man goes to the doctor to get checked out. The doctor says " you have to stop masturbating" The man says "why?"
> The doctor says " because I am trying to examine you. "
> A little off color.


So you're saying we have the same doctor...


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## Dizisdalife

Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?

A: So brunettes will get them.


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## ascott

dmmj said:


> A man goes to the doctor to get checked out. The doctor says " you have to stop masturbating" The man says "why?"
> The doctor says " because I am trying to examine you. "
> A little off color.



LMAOfffff......you know it is funny when I laugh so hard the dogs come running......


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## Gillian M

How much do you people like mathematics? Well here's a hoke on maths:

Boy: "My mathematics teacher is crazy.
Mother: "Why?"
Boy: "Yesterday she told us that 4+1=5, today she changed her mind and said that 3+2=5"

Nuts isn't she, and mind you, she's dealing witn-I think-one of the most difficult subjects, though it was my....favourite one!


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## Gillian M

Here's another joke on my *love* whose name is *mathematics*:

Why didn't 2 squared entre the restaurant?
Because they *ate* (and not eight) already.


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## Gillian M

Why are * mathematics *books always worried?
Simply because they have too many problems to solve!


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## Gillian M

How do you make number seven even?
By removing the letter S!


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## Yvonne G

Parump-ump! Gillian's on a roll!


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## Gillian M

Why do plants hate....mathematics?
Because they give them squared roots!


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## Gillian M

Yvonne G said:


> Parump-ump! Gillian's on a roll!


 Tell me, do you like mathematics? Am asking because there's something I want to post and NOT everyone will be able to understand it unless he/she likes the subject?


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## Abdulla6169

Gillian Moore said:


> Tell me, do you like mathematics? Am asking because there's something I want to post and NOT everyone will be able to understand it unless he/she likes the subject?


Post it and I'll try to understand it  !


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## Cowboy_Ken

A tomato family was out for a hike. 
Momma tomato mentioned to papa tomato that baby tomato was falling behind. 
Papa tomato went back to baby tomato and, stomping his foot said, “Ketchup!"


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## dmmj

Ok, all the math jokes.
Why was 6 afraid odf7? because 7, 8, 9.


----------



## dmmj

1 more math joke.
If you are cold, go sit in the corner it is 90 degrees there.


----------



## dmmj

A man knocks on a door, and a young boy answers it, smoking a cigar, wearing a pair of his mom's underwear on his head, covere in shaving cream. The man says" are your parents home?" The kid says what the hell do you think"


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

Here's a joke due to the irony of it being an ebook


----------



## Gillian M

Hello everyone.Yet another mathematics joke:

What is the King of a pencil case?
The...Ruler!


----------



## Gillian M

Here's another one AdullaAil:

Teacher: How do you make the number "one" vanish?
Student: Add the letter "G" to it and it becomes...."*GONE*!"


----------



## Abdulla6169

Gillian Moore said:


> Here's another one AdullaAil:
> 
> Teacher: How do you make the number "one" vanish?
> Student: Add the letter "G" to it and it becomes...."*GONE*!"


I enjoy math jokes. Thanks for sharing Gillian.


----------



## Gillian M

Teacher: "What is 39+55-32-44+67-5+91?"
Student: "A real....*HEADACHE*!

(It couldbe for the student, but I can assure you it is *not* for me).


----------



## Gillian M

AbdullaAli said:


> I enjoy math jokes. Thanks for sharing Gillian.


don't mention it. I do too. As I mentioned it was (and still is) myfavourite subject. What's yours, if I may ask?


----------



## Abdulla6169

Gillian Moore said:


> don't mention it. I do too. As I mentioned it was (and still is) myfavourite subject. What's yours, if I may ask?


Civics, chemistry, literature.


----------



## the_newzie

Cowboy_Ken said:


> A tomato family was out for a hike.
> Momma tomato mentioned to papa tomato that baby tomato was falling behind.
> Papa tomato went back to baby tomato and, stomping his foot said, “Ketchup!"


A potato family is sitting down for dinner. There is a momma potato and 3 daughter potatoes.
The oldest daughter potato can't contain her excitement any longer and jumps up and says "Momma, momma, I have great news, I'm getting married!"
The mother potato says, "That's wonderful honey! Who are you marrying?"
The oldest daughter potato says, "I'm marrying a Russet!"
The mother potato says, "That's great baby! Them's fine 'taters."
The middle daughter then gets up and shouts, "Mamma, I'm getting married too!"
The mother potato says, "That's wonderful honey! Who are you marrying?"
The middle daughter potato says, "I'm marrying a Idaho!"
The mother potato says, "That's great baby! Idaho's are fine 'taters."
The littlest Daughter then exclaims, "Mamma, mamma I'm getting married too!"
The mamma potato says, "Well bless my eyes, all three of my daughters are getting married! And who are you marrying?"
The littlest daughter says "I'm marrying Al Michaels!"
The mother potato says, "Oh honey, you can't marry Al Michaels, he's just a common 'tater."


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

the_newzie said:


> A potato family is sitting down for dinner. There is a momma potato and 3 daughter potatoes.
> The oldest daughter potato can't contain her excitement any longer and jumps up and says "Momma, momma, I have great news, I'm getting married!"
> The mother potato says, "That's wonderful honey! Who are you marrying?"
> The oldest daughter potato says, "I'm marrying a Russet!"
> The mother potato says, "That's great baby! Them's fine 'taters."
> The middle daughter then gets up and shouts, "Mamma, I'm getting married too!"
> The mother potato says, "That's wonderful honey! Who are you marrying?"
> The middle daughter potato says, "I'm marrying a Idaho!"
> The mother potato says, "That's great baby! Idaho's are fine 'taters."
> The littlest Daughter then exclaims, "Mamma, mamma I'm getting married too!"
> The mamma potato says, "Well bless my eyes, all three of my daughters are getting married! And who are you marrying?"
> The littlest daughter says "I'm marrying Al Michaels!"
> The mother potato says, "Oh honey, you can't marry Al Michaels, he's just a common 'tater."


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

There was a football between the heart and check.


----------



## Gillian M

Hello. More jokes? Would you like  mathematics  jokes or otherwise?


----------



## Abdulla6169

Gillian Moore said:


> Hello. More jokes? Would you like  mathematics  jokes or otherwise?


Mathematics jokes! Please


----------



## the_newzie

AbdullaAli said:


> Mathematics jokes! Please



There are only 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't...


----------



## HLogic

Given: A standard 8 x 8 chess (or checkers) board.

Remove either pair of diagonally opposite corner squares.

Given: 31 tiles of 2 x 1 squares in dimension (i.e. each tile covers 2 chess board squares).

Question: Can the tiles be so placed as to EXACTLY cover (no gaps, no overlaps) the remaining chess board?

The answer must be given with proof - either empirical or mathematical...


----------



## Gillian M

AbdullaAli said:


> Mathematics jokes! Please


 Ok. Give me just a couple of minutes and then we'll begin.


----------



## Gillian M

Hello to lovers and lmathematics lovers.

Teacher: Who invented round tables?
Student: Sir Cumference.


----------



## Gillian M

Why didn't sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.


----------



## Gillian M

Why do you very rarely see mathematicians at the beach?
Simply because they already have sine and cosine to get a *tan* and they don't need the sun!


----------



## Gillian M

What did one calculus book  book say to the other?
"Don't bother me, I've got enough of my own problems!"


----------



## Gillian M

What did zero say to eight?
"Nice...belt!"


----------



## Gillian M

How do deaf mathematicians communicate?
They use....*sine* language!


----------



## Gillian M

If somebody asks you to spell "A part" don't do it....it's *A* *TRAP.* Make sure you don't fall into it!


----------



## Moozillion

(Sorry- I don't know any math jokes)

A ship was sailing on the ocean, when the lookout in the crow's nest called "A pirate ship approaching!" Sure enough, a ship of vicious, blood thirsty pirates was rapidly approaching. The frightened crew turned to their captain who called out to the cabin boy "Bring me my red shirt!" The boy did so. The captain put it on and led the crew in a long and difficult fight, but they prevailed and beat the Pirates!

The next day the lookout called "There are TWO pirate ships approaching!" Again, the captain called out, "Bring me my red shirt!" He put on his red shirt, and again led his crew in a fierce and bloody battle, and they successfully repelled the Pirates! Later, as they sat around exhausted, one of the crew asked "Sir, why do you wear your red shirt into battle?" The captain answered "Because if I am wounded in battle, you will not be able to see my blood. That way you will stay brave and fight on!" The crew were all amazed and grateful to have such a bold captain!

The next day the lookout called "TWENTY pirate ships approaching!"
The crew turned expectantly to their captain who called to the cabin boy: "Bring me my brown pants!!!"


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

I am the only math joke I know...and between Manufactoring Managment, I've been an accomplished engineer. Heck fire, I designed in tenths of a thousandth in a production type setting. I miss those simple days. It just worked in my brain.


----------



## Moozillion

At night Granny fills me with dread
When she sits at the foot of my bed.
I don't mind that she speaks
In twitters and squeaks,
But for 23 years she's been dead!


----------



## Abdulla6169

Moozillion said:


> At night Granny fills me with dread
> When she sits at the foot of my bed.
> I don't mind that she speaks
> In twitters and squeaks,
> But for 23 years she's been dead!


A limerick!


----------



## Moozillion

Yes, but a CLEAN one!!!


----------



## Cowboy_Ken




----------



## Gillian M

Moozillion said:


> At night Granny fills me with dread
> When she sits at the foot of my bed.
> I don't mind that she speaks
> In twitters and squeaks,
> But for 23 years she's been dead!


 Hello Moozillion. That's a nice one.

Tell me, you said you don't know jokes about mathematics. Just a question and don't misunderstand me here, please: do you like the subject? If one doesn't like it, one may not be interested in its jokes.Know what I mean?


----------



## Moozillion

Gillian Moore said:


> Hello Moozillion. That's a nice one.
> 
> Tell me, you said you don't know jokes about mathematics. Just a question and don't misunderstand me here, please: do you like the subject? If one doesn't like it, one may not be interested in its jokes.Know what I mean?


Oh, yes, I know exactly what you mean!  My brain just isn't wired to handle mathematics with ease. I always had difficulty with it. I don't dislike it, in fact, in college I took a basic Calculus course and found it quite fascinating (Only by great effort did I squeak by with a C). But math is a great struggle for me. 

I was once at a conference where the speaker, a neurologist, got off on an interesting side track. He said when his daughter went away to Stanford and majored in math, she phoned her dad and said "Why didn't you tell me everyone majoring in math would be Chinese?" He was completely unaware of this. But being a department head who supervised doctoral candidates doing research on the brain, the next time a candidate was at a loss for a research project, he suggested they look into the connection between mathematics and Chinese. 

To summarize what they found: 
1. People growing up in China speaking, READING AND WRITING Chinese, found mathematics easy and natural- they were whizzes at it, even if they had had limited formal education. 
2. People growing up in China speaking but NOT reading or writing Chinese were no better at math than most Americans! 
3. Chinese people who emigrated to the US as children and grew up speaking but NOT reading and writing Chinese, found math just as difficult as most Americans. 
4. But Chinese people who emigrated to the US as children but grew up speaking AND reading and writing Chinese, found math easy!!!

The key appears to be in the written language. As I think most of us know, Chinese is a "picture" language. The Chinese word for "horse" is a stylized drawing of a horse- an IMAGE. Brains exposed to this type of thinking in childhood, when the brain is developing, develop excellent skills in recognizing and using "images" to think and communicate. After all, the number "5" is not really "five" of anything: it's a IMAGE that tells us to think of five objects or intergers. Apparently the written Korean language has an even stronger connection and stimulus to develop the parts of the brain that processes images. So the take-away message he gave us was: if you want your kids to be good at math, enroll them in classes on Chinese or Korean at a very young age! 

I happen to do unusually well at learning foreign languages. At different times, I have studied French, German, Japanese (briefly), Maaori (just 2 courses) and currently Sanscrit. I've also played different musical instruments (piano and flute) and I apparently have "perfect pitch." My brain, whether through natural ability or through learning and exposure, does poorly at math but very well at auditory learning.


----------



## Moozillion

I love limericks, but finding clean ones is a real challenge!


----------



## smarch

I was listening to the radio today and apparently theres a joke contest, so they were saying some of the good ones, but a lot were definitely not forum appropriate in fact I didn't believe they were radio appropriate! But there was one that was making me smile (so by the way not my joke, don't give me the credit): We went to a zoo this weekend... but all they had were dogs... it was a sh*t-zoo 

They also played a parody song of "Cold as Ice" because its so cold here... but it was "Cold as F---" and goes to sing about how his car wont start, that also had me smiling


----------



## Gillian M

Moozillion said:


> I love limericks, but finding clean ones is a real challenge!


 I agree with that.


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

So really? I've never told my Flo and Earnie joke here? Or have I and it was removed? Someone refresh me on this, please...


----------



## Gillian M

Moozillion said:


> Oh, yes, I know exactly what you mean!  My brain just isn't wired to handle mathematics with ease. I always had difficulty with it. I don't dislike it, in fact, in college I took a basic Calculus course and found it quite fascinating (Only by great effort did I squeak by with a C). But math is a great struggle for me.
> 
> I was once at a conference where the speaker, a neurologist, got off on an interesting side track. He said when his daughter went away to Stanford and majored in math, she phoned her dad and said "Why didn't you tell me everyone majoring in math would be Chinese?" He was completely unaware of this. But being a department head who supervised doctoral candidates doing research on the brain, the next time a candidate was at a loss for a research project, he suggested they look into the connection between mathematics and Chinese.
> 
> To summarize what they found:
> 1. People growing up in China speaking, READING AND WRITING Chinese, found mathematics easy and natural- they were whizzes at it, even if they had had limited formal education.
> 2. People growing up in China speaking but NOT reading or writing Chinese were no better at math than most Americans!
> 3. Chinese people who emigrated to the US as children and grew up speaking but NOT reading and writing Chinese, found math just as difficult as most Americans.
> 4. But Chinese people who emigrated to the US as children but grew up speaking AND reading and writing Chinese, found math easy!!!
> 
> The key appears to be in the written language. As I think most of us know, Chinese is a "picture" language. The Chinese word for "horse" is a stylized drawing of a horse- an IMAGE. Brains exposed to this type of thinking in childhood, when the brain is developing, develop excellent skills in recognizing and using "images" to think and communicate. After all, the number "5" is not really "five" of anything: it's a IMAGE that tells us to think of five objects or intergers. Apparently the written Korean language has an even stronger connection and stimulus to develop the parts of the brain that processes images. So the take-away message he gave us was: if you want your kids to be good at math, enroll them in classes on Chinese or Korean at a very young age!
> 
> I happen to do unusually well at learning foreign languages. At different times, I have studied French, German, Japanese (briefly), Maaori (just 2 courses) and currently Sanscrit. I've also played different musical instruments (piano and flute) and I apparently have "perfect pitch." My brain, whether through natural ability or through learning and exposure, does poorly at math but very well at auditory learning.


 Dear Moozillion,

Thanks a lot your alert. Glad to hear from you.

It is somewhat strange how each human brain likes or dislikes a subject, isn't it? I for one love mathematics since I was very young. Here I must say:

1) I had a wonderful teacher who not only knew the subject, but more important knew how to teach it. Mind you, teaching is a very hard job. She was very...patient, plus she engraved one thing in our minds: *mathematics* *is* *a* *game* *with* *numbers* and nothing "scary." She really was a...*GENIUS*.I still rememer he to this day.
2) my dad has a Phd degree in mathematics. This too played a very important role in my love to the subject. It seems to be in our genes. He did not allow us to use a calculator saying: "I want your *brains* to work, not the calculator." When one is still young one thinks: "What a pain!" However, when one grows up one realizes that this was done for his/her benefit. Right? I used to get full marks in tests/exams and at college I got an....A+.

Literature and geography are two subjects I just couldn't stand. Languages I really like and took courses in Italian and German. But my GOD...German is so hard, isn't it?


----------



## smarch

Cowboy_Ken said:


> So really? I've never told my Flo and Earnie joke here? Or have I and it was removed? Someone refresh me on this, please...


 I don't recall, and not on this thread, but it may have been somewhere sometime before i became active


----------



## jaizei

Cowboy_Ken said:


> So really? I've never told my Flo and Earnie joke here? Or have I and it was removed? Someone refresh me on this, please...


http://www.tortoiseforum.org/threads/jokes.93001/#post-867734


----------



## smarch

jaizei said:


> http://www.tortoiseforum.org/threads/jokes.93001/#post-867734


 ahhhh now I remember! The one who's bad at name recognition probably shouldn't have answered that before lol


----------



## Moozillion

Gillian Moore said:


> Dear Moozillion,
> 
> Thanks a lot your alert. Glad to hear from you.
> 
> It is somewhat strange how each human brain likes or dislikes a subject, isn't it? I for one love mathematics since I was very young. Here I must say:
> 
> 1) I had a wonderful teacher who not only knew the subject, but more important knew how to teach it. Mind you, teaching is a very hard job. She was very...patient, plus she engraved one thing in our minds: *mathematics* *is* *a* *game* *with* *numbers* and nothing "scary." She really was a...*GENIUS*.I still rememer he to this day.
> 2) my dad has a Phd degree in mathematics. This too played a very important role in my love to the subject. It seems to be in our genes. He did not allow us to use a calculator saying: "I want your *brains* to work, not the calculator." When one is still young one thinks: "What a pain!" However, when one grows up one realizes that this was done for his/her benefit. Right? I used to get full marks in tests/exams and at college I got an....A+.
> 
> Literature and geography are two subjects I just couldn't stand. Languages I really like and took courses in Italian and German. But my GOD...German is so hard, isn't it?



Interesting!!!
I think you're right: you were VERY lucky to have such a teacher! Our teachings of math was just the typical drudgery of seemingly endless memorization!
German was certainly a challenge- but it's like a code! You follow the code to get to the meaning!
My dad was a college professor who taught history. Hence, my love of history! I also love literature and geography!!!!


----------



## Gillian M

Moozillion said:


> Interesting!!!
> I think you're right: you were VERY lucky to have such a teacher! Our teachings of math was just the typical drudgery of seemingly endless memorization!
> German was certainly a challenge- but it's like a code! You follow the code to get to the meaning!
> My dad was a college professor who taught history. Hence, my love of history! I also love literature and geography!!!!


 Hi and thanks your message.

Teachers as well as parents play an important role in one's like/dislike to a subject. My school mathematics teacher played this role in..mathematics as well as my dad's Phd. degree in the subject. Subjects like *mathematics* *cannot* *be* *memorized!* For that matter, nor can any subject dealing with numbers, like accouting, statistics even physics and chemistry. You mentioned your dad was a college professor who taught history, which had its positive effects on you..lucky you. I didn't history for a somewhat "funny" reason: I had a really thick teacher who just stood beside the blackboard and read events on for example WW I, WW II and so on without explaining why, how etc. Believe me one could fall asleep during such a class! See what effects a teacher has? Incredible isn't it?


----------



## Moozillion

Gillian Moore said:


> Hi and thanks your message.
> 
> Teachers as well as parents play an important role in one's like/dislike to a subject. My school mathematics teacher played this role in..mathematics as well as my dad's Phd. degree in the subject. Subjects like *mathematics* *cannot* *be* *memorized!* For that matter, nor can any subject dealing with numbers, like accouting, statistics even physics and chemistry. You mentioned your dad was a college professor who taught history, which had its positive effects on you..lucky you. I didn't history for a somewhat "funny" reason: I had a really thick teacher who just stood beside the blackboard and read events on for example WW I, WW II and so on without explaining why, how etc. Believe me one could fall asleep during such a class! See what effects a teacher has? Incredible isn't it?


It really is. And they are paid a pittance. 

Here's another interesting snippet that is still somewhat related, regarding the differences in learning. (This comes from a professional technical journal of neurology). Brain imaging studies were done on people comparing brain activity when they were hand-writing notes on new information versus when they were keyboarding. The test subjects were given either keyboards (mounted at a convenient angle to use as they lay in the scanner) or pen and notepad (also mounted for use during the brain scan) and comparisons were made of which areas of the brain were activated during the note-taking process. The people taking written notes had something like 4x as many brain areas active for the note-taking than the key-boarders. The process of taking in the information, re-applying it in physical movement of creating the different letters of the words, sometimes re-wording the sentences more briefly and concisely involved MANY more brain circuit connections than keyboarding. The result was that the test subjects taking the written notes all retained the information better and could answer questions about the topic better than they keyboarders. The more areas of our brain that are active, linking and cross-linking, the better we process and retain info.


----------



## Gillian M

Moozillion said:


> It really is. And they are paid a pittance.
> 
> Here's another interesting snippet that is still somewhat related, regarding the differences in learning. (This comes from a professional technical journal of neurology). Brain imaging studies were done on people comparing brain activity when they were hand-writing notes on new information versus when they were keyboarding. The test subjects were given either keyboards (mounted at a convenient angle to use as they lay in the scanner) or pen and notepad (also mounted for use during the brain scan) and comparisons were made of which areas of the brain were activated during the note-taking process. The people taking written notes had something like 4x as many brain areas active for the note-taking than the key-boarders. The process of taking in the information, re-applying it in physical movement of creating the different letters of the words, sometimes re-wording the sentences more briefly and concisely involved MANY more brain circuit connections than keyboarding. The result was that the test subjects taking the written notes all retained the information better and could answer questions about the topic better than they keyboarders. The more areas of our brain that are active, linking and cross-linking, the better we process and retain info.


That's  very interesting.
Goodness....how the human brain works! I believe that medicine has still *not* yet been able to explain a lot as far as the way our... brains funtion. Know what I mean?


----------



## Moozillion

Gillian Moore said:


> That's  very interesting.
> Goodness....how the human brain works! I believe that medicine has still *not* yet been able to explain a lot as far as the way our... brains funtion. Know what I mean?


Yup!!!


----------



## Gillian M

Moozillion said:


> Yup!!!


 Seeing that you like history (yuck!) here'sa joke especially posted for you:

Why is Great Britain the wettest country?
Because The Queen has *reigned* for so many years!


----------



## Gillian M

Moozillion said:


> Yup!!!


 
Here's another one on.....history (again: yuck!), which applies on me!

My Dad: Why aren't you doing well in history? It's a nice subject (it's like a story).
Me: My smart teacher keeps asking about things before I was born! How am I meant to answer!!

Doesn't that seem to be like me??


----------



## jaizei

Gillian Moore said:


> Hi and thanks your message.
> 
> Teachers as well as parents play an important role in one's like/dislike to a subject. My school mathematics teacher played this role in..mathematics as well as my dad's Phd. degree in the subject. Subjects like *mathematics* *cannot* *be* *memorized!* For that matter, nor can any subject dealing with numbers, like accouting, statistics even physics and chemistry. You mentioned your dad was a college professor who taught history, which had its positive effects on you..lucky you. I didn't history for a somewhat "funny" reason: I had a really thick teacher who just stood beside the blackboard and read events on for example WW I, WW II and so on without explaining why, how etc. Believe me one could fall asleep during such a class! See what effects a teacher has? Incredible isn't it?



i disagree to an extent. I think memorization is important to math. You memorize basic building blocks and apply that to solve larger, more complex/difficult problems. Or conversely, you break larger problems down to the smaller problems you are familiar with.


----------



## the_newzie

jaizei said:


> i disagree to an extent. I think memorization is important to math. You memorize basic building blocks and apply that to solve larger, more complex/difficult problems. Or conversely, you break larger problems down to the smaller problems you are familiar with.


First and foremost, I am neither agreeing nor disagreeing, simply putting in my 2 cents (which neither you nor Gillian asked for, but you're getting ). It was my experience that learning math (advanced math especially) was most comparable to learning a 2nd language. It had elements of memorization, but was more a problem of just familiarizing yourself with how the symbols should be read/written/comprehended in order to make a coherent "sentence". I think memorization is necessary, but it won't necessarily translate into understanding unless you spend significant time practicing actually "speaking" the language. I think that's why so many children have problems with math (and 2nd language studies for that matter), because once they leave the classroom, they stop speaking the language.


----------



## Gillian M

Teacher: Which room has no doors and no windows?
Student: A mushroom!


----------



## Gillian M

There are *three* types of people in this world: those who like *mathematics* and those who don't!


----------



## Gillian M

Mathematics teacher: "How do you switch from centimetres to metres?"
Student: "Remove the letters: C, E, N, T, I !"


----------



## Abdulla6169

Gillian Moore said:


> Mathematics teacher: "How do you switch from centimetres to metres?"
> Student: "Remove the letters: C, E, N, T, I !"


Or multiply it by 10 to the power of -3    !!!


----------



## Gillian M

Teache: "What does a chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat."
Teacher: "Good! And what does a pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon."
Teacher: " Very good! And what does a fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!!!"


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

Gillian Moore said:


> Teache: "What does a chicken give you?"
> Student: "Meat."
> Teacher: "Good! And what does a pig give you?"
> Student: "Bacon."
> Teacher: " Very good! And what does a fat cow give you?"
> Student: "Homework!!!"


@russian/sulcata/tortoise


----------



## russian/sulcata/tortoise

Gillian Moore said:


> Teache: "What does a chicken give you?"
> Student: "Meat."
> Teacher: "Good! And what does a pig give you?"
> Student: "Bacon."
> Teacher: " Very good! And what does a fat cow give you?"
> Student: "Homework!!!"


teachers are evil!


----------



## Abdulla6169

russian/sulcata/tortoise said:


> teachers are evil!


Maybe the students misbehave .


----------



## russian/sulcata/tortoise

AbdullaAli said:


> Maybe the students misbehave .


im a good student! the teachers at my school just threat the kids like crap.


----------



## Abdulla6169

russian/sulcata/tortoise said:


> im a good student! the teachers at my school just threat the kids like crap.


*treat
Pffffft. That's what all misbehaving students say.


----------



## puffy137

Shlonick Abadi ? And How do you keep cool at a football match ? ...................Stand next to a fan ! Ta da aa


----------



## Gillian M

russian/sulcata/tortoise said:


> teachers are evil!


 Hello. Teachers can be a pain in the neck, but there are exceptions to each and every rule. Don't know whether or not you read the thread I'd posted as far as a.... mathematicsteacher I had at school...a wonderful person and a real *GENIUS* who knew how to teach the subject. I still remember her to this day, imagine that alone. She engraved in our brains one very important thing: "Mathematics is a game with numbers and nothing that frightening." What do you think of such a menthod? I think it is GREAT! She played a very important role in my love to the subject.


----------



## Gillian M

AbdullaAli said:


> Maybe the students misbehave .


 Hi. Maybe not....what about the teacher? He/she can be evil, harsh, nasty.....you name it.


----------



## Gillian M

russian/sulcata/tortoise said:


> im a good student! the teachers at my school just threat the kids like crap.


 Do you mean that, or are you just joking? If you mean it, I'll test you,ok?


----------



## puffy137

Speaking of memory in maths , a relative of mine could add up a column of 400 figures in his head & always get the right answer , You need to be able to hold figures in your head to do that. something I could never do , I still rely on my 10 fingers ,


----------



## russian/sulcata/tortoise

Gillian Moore said:


> Do you mean that, or are you just joking? If you mean it, I'll test you,ok?


most of my teachers are evil!


----------



## Abdulla6169

puffy137 said:


> Shlonick Abadi ? And How do you keep cool at a football match ? ...................Stand next to a fan ! Ta da aa


I'm great. I solved 2 problems in mathematics (it easy, decided to stop).


----------



## puffy137

AbdullaAli said:


> I'm great. I solved 2 problems in mathematics (it easy, decided to stop).


I always think there is something magical about people who can do maths , so congrats


----------



## Gillian M

russian/sulcata/tortoise said:


> most of my teachers are evil!


 Goodness! That bad? Why?


----------



## russian/sulcata/tortoise

Gillian Moore said:


> Goodness! That bad? Why?


because they are!


----------



## Abdulla6169

puffy137 said:


> I always think there is something magical about people who can do maths , so congrats


Thanks.


----------



## russian/sulcata/tortoise




----------



## Gillian M

puffy137 said:


> I always think there is something magical about people who can do maths , so congrats


 Tell me Puff137, do you like mathematicsI *love* it.


----------



## puffy137

Gillian Moore said:


> Tell me Puff137, do you like mathematicsI *love* it.


 No Gillian darling , I hate it cos I could never do it , & admire the godlike creatures who can


----------



## Gillian M

puffy137 said:


> No Gillian darling , I hate it cos I could never do it , & admire the godlike creatures who can


Too bad. I wonder why.I mean was it the teacher or did you just dislike the subject?


----------



## Gillian M

puffy137 said:


> Speaking of memory in maths , a relative of mine could add up a column of 400 figures in his head & always get the right answer , You need to be able to hold figures in your head to do that. something I could never do , I still rely on my 10 fingers ,


 Wow! He must be  brainy.


----------



## puffy137

Gillian Moore said:


> Too bad. I wonder why.I mean was it the teacher or did you just dislike the subject?


 No Gillian I was just born like that! lol


----------



## puffy137

Moozillion said:


> I love limericks, but finding clean ones is a real challenge!


Moozillion you must know this one.
There was a young lady named Bright ,
Whose speed was much faster then light , 
She set out one day 
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night !


----------



## Gillian M

puffy137 said:


> No Gillian I was just born like that! lol


If that's the case, then too bad. Sorry about that.


----------



## Moozillion

puffy137 said:


> Moozillion you must know this one.
> There was a young lady named Bright ,
> Whose speed was much faster then light ,
> She set out one day
> In a relative way,
> And returned on the previous night !


YES!!! Love it!!!

My personal favorite is:
"I must leave here," said Lady DeVere,
"These damp airs don't suit me, I fear."
Said her friend, "Goodness me,
If they don't agree
With your system, why eat pears, my dear?"


----------



## Gillian M

Moozillion said:


> YES!!! Love it!!!
> 
> My personal favorite is:
> "I must leave here," said Lady DeVere,
> "These damp airs don't suit me, I fear."
> Said her friend, "Goodness me,
> If they don't agree
> With your system, why eat pears, my dear?"


 Hello Moozillion, hope you are well. Here's a joke for you on history:

Why was an army too tired to fight?
Because it had lots of sleepless nights!


----------



## Gillian M

Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!


----------



## Gillian M

Who succeeded the first president of the United States?
Obviously the....second! hahaha


----------



## Gillian M

Teacher: "When was Rome built?"
Student: "At night."
Teacher: "Why on earth are you saying _that_?"
Student:"Well, my dad always says that Rome was not built in a day!"


----------



## Moozillion

SHE'S ON A ROLL!!!!


----------



## tortdad

How did Dairy Queen get pregnant 


Burger King forgot to wrap the whopper.


----------



## tortdad

Why didn't the skeleton go to the ball


He has NO BODY to go with


----------



## Gillian M

Moozillion said:


> SHE'S ON A ROLL!!!!


 What is the longest word in English language?
"Smiles." Know why? Because there's a *mile *between the first and last letter.


----------



## Gillian M

Hi. Something special for Moozillion:

A painter who lived in Great Britain
Interrupted two girls who were knittin'
He said witn a sigh,
"The park bench-well I
Just painted it where you are sittin!"

(Hope you like it Moozillion).


----------



## Moozillion

Gillian Moore said:


> Hi. Something special for Moozillion:
> 
> A painter who lived in Great Britain
> Interrupted two girls who were knittin'
> He said witn a sigh,
> "The park bench-well I
> Just painted it where you are sittin!"
> 
> (Hope you like it Moozillion).



LOVE IT!!!!


----------



## the_newzie

There once was a man from Nantucket... Just Kidding 

(A bit overused, but a classic) What is an a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? Someone who lies awake at night pondering the existence of Dog.

There's a horrible accident at the Vatican that kills the pope and a visiting lawyer simultaneously. They both are taken up to heaven at the same time. When they arrive at the pearly gates a huge horde of holy people and famous historical religious figures run over to them both. The Pope smiles humbly and starts to thank everyone when he realizes that the mob is hoisting the lawyer up on to their shoulders and walking away with him, cheering and pumping their fists. St Peter notices the pope's confusion and says, "Don't worry sir, we've had many popes over the years, but that was our first lawyer."

Man I wish I knew more clean jokes. Every time I log on here, I go through my joke rolodex and realize how many jokes I know that can't be shared in polite company...


----------



## puffy137

There was a young lady from Wilts ,
Who walked up to Scotland on stilts. 
They said ' It is shocking to show so much stocking ' 
She answered ' Well what about kilts ?'


----------



## Gillian M

Teacher: "Why do you have cotton wool in your ears? Do you have an infection?"
Student: "Well.. *you* keep saying that things go into one ear and go out the other. I'm only trying to keep them all in!"


----------



## Gillian M

What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
*SHORT!*


----------



## Gillian M

Teacher: "What did you write your essay on?"
Student: "A piece of paper!"

(A bright answer isn't it)?


----------



## Gillian M

What happened to the past, present and the furure when walking into a nightclub?
It became....tense!


----------



## puffy137

Dunno if this will pass the censors , but ...... Headline in newspaper after criminally insane rapist escapes . NUT , BOLTS , & SCREWS.


----------



## puffy137

Have you noticed the only emotes here only go as far as a wide grin , no rolling on the ground laughing


----------



## Yvonne G

Yeah, I'm not real fond of this selection.


----------



## puffy137

*Toronto Star ;Marijuana issue sent to joint committee.*


----------



## puffy137

*West Virginia paper ; Wild Wife League will meet tonight !*


----------



## Moozillion

puffy137 said:


> There was a young lady from Wilts ,
> Who walked up to Scotland on stilts.
> They said ' It is shocking to show so much stocking '
> She answered ' Well what about kilts ?'


HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
That's GREAT! 
I had not heard that one!


----------



## smarch

Another joke from the radio (so I don't take credit) and perhaps I shouldn't fins it as funny as I did...
"Jenny Craig has a new slogan, you cant run AND you cant hide"


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

My stolen joke submission ;
Did you hear about the Zen Master that ordered a hot dog?
He said, “He'd have one with everything…"


----------



## Yvonne G

(I'm tagging @Yellow Turtle01 just for the heck of it)


----------



## Gillian M

Two fish were in a tank. One turned to the other ad asked: "How on earth are you driving that?"


----------



## Gillian M

100 fish were in a tank, 50 drowned how many stay alive?

*BRIGHTY*.....fish don't drown!!

(I bet you all fell into that trap).


----------



## Gillian M

What do you call a can opener that does not work?
A *cant* opener!


----------



## Moozillion

Gillian Moore said:


> Two fish were in a tank. One turned to the other ad asked: "How on earth are you driving that?"


I don't get this one...


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

Moozillion said:


> I don't get this one...


----------



## Gillian M

Moozillion said:


> I don't get this one...


 Hello Moozillion, hope you are well.

Here, tank may mean:
a) the enclosure of fish OR
b) the heavy fighting vehicle (imagine a fish driving that)

OK?


----------



## Moozillion

OOOOOH!!!! NOW I get it!!!!
THANKS Ken and Gillian!


----------



## Gillian M

Moozillion said:


> OOOOOH!!!! NOW I get it!!!!
> THANKS Ken and Gillian!


 Great! Want another joke? On:
mathematics, history or Engilsh language? You choose.


----------



## Gillian M

Men are extremely brave, horror films don't scare them but.....
10 missed calls from their *wives* do!

(Sorry gentlemen-only a joke).


----------



## Moozillion

Cool! I choose...English language!


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

I am so the Sponge guy here! I watched live and was having so much fun laughing.


----------



## mike taylor

What do you call a sort Spanish man? A paragraph! Because he's to sort to be a essay! Haha the Spanish guy I work with told me this . Too funny!


----------



## Momof4

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" 

Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat". 

"What fer?", asked Bubba. 
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl. 

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" 

"No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch"!


----------



## Moozillion

mike taylor said:


> What do you call a sort Spanish man? A paragraph! Because he's to sort to be a essay! Haha the Spanish guy I work with told me this . Too funny!


Oh, God- I feel so dumb...I don't get this one either...


----------



## mike taylor

Spanish guys are called essays . Here it is! Hey essay where's the beer! ?


----------



## Moozillion

mike taylor said:


> Spanish guys are called essays . Here it is! Hey essay where's the beer! ?


Thanks!!!


----------



## Moozillion

This isn't exactly a joke, it's a computer glitch, but I thought it was really funny: 
http://chzb.gr/1v6S3ff


----------



## Moozillion

Oops


----------



## Gillian M

A man put his clock in the safe. Know why? He wanted to save time!


----------



## Gillian M

Moozillion said:


> Oops


 A joke posted especially for you, on English language:

What is black and white and *read* all over?
The newspaper


----------



## Gillian M

What begins with "T" ends with "T" and has "T" in it?
A teapot!


----------



## Gillian M

A guy threw a clock out of a window to see how time flies.


----------



## Moozillion

A woman brings her cat and 5 kittens to the vet so they can all be spayed and neutered. The vet asks "Is the mother friendly?" To which the woman, looking at all the cat carriers replies, "Yes: that's how we got into this mess in the first place!"


----------



## Gillian M

What comes along with great power?
A great.....electricity bill!


----------



## Moozillion

Gillian Moore said:


> What comes along with great power?
> A great.....electricity bill!


Hahaha!!! GOOD one!!!


----------



## Momof4

A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender tells him to get out. The mushroom says, “why? I’m a fun-guy.”


----------



## Cowboy_Ken




----------



## Gillian M

Moozillion said:


> Hahaha!!! GOOD one!!!


 Hi Moozollion, how are you? Hope you are well. Here you go....another joke on English language:

A student studying English language wanted to impress an English teacher with her improvement in the language. She had to walk past the teacher while the latter was talking to someone, so she asked: "Miss, may I pass away?"

(Imagine the teacher's reaction here).


----------



## Gillian M

Moozillion said:


> Hahaha!!! GOOD one!!!


 What's the difference between a lion with a tootache and a very wet day?
One's roaring  with pain
The other is pouring with rain.


----------



## Moozillion

More good ones, Gillian! Thanks!


----------



## Gillian M

Moozillion said:


> More good ones, Gillian! Thanks!


 More on English language, or on a lion roaring with pain?


----------



## Moozillion

What I meant was "Cool! These were MORE good ones" thanks!

Choose whatever tickles your fancy! 
You sure know a lot of jokes!


----------



## Gillian M

Moozillion said:


> What I meant was "Cool! These were MORE good ones" thanks!
> 
> Choose whatever tickles your fancy!
> You sure know a lot of jokes!


 Ok dear, but....what if I choose.................mathematics? Only joking.
Wait and see


----------



## Gillian M

Moozillion said:


> What I meant was "Cool! These were MORE good ones" thanks!
> 
> Choose whatever tickles your fancy!
> You sure know a lot of jokes!


 Here one on mathematics (my lover!)

Dear Algebra,
Please stop asking about your X. She's not coming back and don't ask *me* Y!


----------



## Moozillion

Gillian Moore said:


> Here one on mathematics (my lover!)
> 
> Dear Algebra,
> Please stop asking about your X. She's not coming back and don't ask *me* Y!


LOVE IT!!!!!


----------



## Gillian M

Moozillion said:


> LOVE IT!!!!!


 See what I mean? Mathematics  is a lovely subject, and I hope to be able to convince one day. Don't forget the "famous" words: "*Mathematics* *is* *a* *game* *with* *numbers*." But I'm going to make it "a game with letters."


----------



## Gillian M

Moozillion said:


> LOVE IT!!!!!


 With reference to my last alert, do you believe you could now like a subject that you disliked whilst studying it? I don't think I could, but you never know.


----------



## Moozillion

I find math fascinating, but my brain just doesn't know what to do with it. Math is VERY difficult for me. It's not a matter of liking or disliking- I can't do it well- it's a tremendous struggle and other things come so much easier to me. I think many of us enjoy the things we do easily and well, but don't enjoy things we just can't do well no matter how hard we try.


----------



## Gillian M

Moozillion said:


> I find math fascinating, but my brain just doesn't know what to do with it. Math is VERY difficult for me. It's not a matter of liking or disliking- I can't do it well- it's a tremendous struggle and other things come so much easier to me. I think many of us enjoy the things we do easily and well, but don't enjoy things we just can't do well no matter how hard we try.


 Oh, I seem to have misunderstood you. Sorry for that. I understood that you didn't like the subject, which is different from finding it difficult. I do know what you mean when you said you found it hard: it is not at all an easy subject.


----------



## Anyfoot

Just thought id show you some photos of me bathing my hingebacks.


----------



## mike taylor

What is that a six hole hingeback?


----------



## Anyfoot

mike taylor said:


> What is that a six hole hingeback?


I am literally laughing out loud. It closes up when scared too.


----------



## Yvonne G

Anyfoot said:


> I am literally laughing out loud. It closes up when scared too.



And don't allow it to sit too long in water because it gets rot (rust).


----------



## Anyfoot

Oh no. not rust.


----------



## Moozillion

Gillian Moore said:


> Oh, I seem to have misunderstood you. Sorry for that. I understood that you didn't like the subject, which is different from finding it difficult. I do know what you mean when you said you found it hard: it is not at all an easy subject.


I envy those of you for whom it comes easily!  ...and I enjoy the things that come to me easily!


----------



## Moozillion

Anyfoot said:


> Just thought id show you some photos of me bathing my hingebacks.
> View attachment 116719
> View attachment 116720


HAHAHAHAHA!!!!


----------



## Team Gomberg

@Gillian Moore saw this clock and had to share it. I hate math but since you don't....


----------



## Anyfoot

Team Gomberg said:


> @Gillian Moore saw this clock and had to share it. I hate math but since you don't....
> View attachment 117285





Team Gomberg said:


> @Gillian Moore saw this clock and had to share it. I hate math but since you don't....
> View attachment 117285


I want one of those, its right good.


----------



## Anyfoot

Team Gomberg said:


> @Gillian Moore saw this clock and had to share it. I hate math but since you don't....
> View attachment 117285


What time is it over there. It 13 minutes past MINUS EIGHT IS EQUAL TO TWO MINUS TEN pm over here.  beer time.


----------



## Anyfoot

@Gillian Moore, I assume you love maths. See if you can do a 24hr clock. That would be good.


----------



## Gillian M

Anyfoot said:


> What time is it over there. It 13 minutes past MINUS EIGHT IS EQUAL TO TWO MINUS TEN pm over here.  beer time.


 Thanks the alert..a very nice one. It's 8am here...hahaha.

So you're another anti-mahematics person? To be frank to you I noticed that very few people (students or otherwise) dislike it or find it difficult. I remember this since I was at school.


----------



## Momof4

@dmmj 
I need more jokes from you!


----------



## Anyfoot

Gillian Moore said:


> Thanks the alert..a very nice one. It's 8am here...hahaha.
> 
> So you're another anti-mahematics person? To be frank to you I noticed that very few people (students or otherwise) dislike it or find it difficult. I remember this since I was at school.


I love math and enjoy it every day at work.


----------



## dmmj

Did I tell my prize winning plane joke? ( It won first place in a contest)?
Ok.
So there is a plane full of passengers, the captain comes on and says ( ladies and gentlemen, the plane is going down, we won't survive. If there is anything you want to do, do it now!" A lady stands up looks around the plane, finds the most attractive man and walks over to him. She says to him " Please, we are about to die, please make me.... feel like a woman.... one last time". The man stands up, rips off his shirt and says " Here
Iron this"


----------



## Moozillion

dmmj said:


> Did I tell my prize winning plane joke? ( It won first place in a contest)?
> Ok.
> So there is a plane full of passengers, the captain comes on and says ( ladies and gentlemen, the plane is going down, we won't survive. If there is anything you want to do, do it now!" A lady stands up looks around the plane, finds the most attractive man and walks over to him. She says to him " Please, we are about to die, please make me.... feel like a woman.... one last time". The man stands up, rips off his shirt and says " Here
> Iron this"


CLASSIC!!!!


----------



## Gillian M

Anyfoot said:


> I love math and enjoy it every day at work.


 That's nice to hear. I love it as well and consider it a "game with numbers."


----------



## Gillian M

Anyfoot said:


> I love math and enjoy it every day at work.


 Here's a joke on mathematics for you:

Why did the student get angry when the teacher gave him his average?
Because it was a *mean* thing to say!


----------



## Anyfoot




----------



## Gillian M

Anyfoot said:


> View attachment 118614


 A very nice joke and a wonderful pic! This one made me laugh out aloud.


----------



## dmmj

A woman buys a parrot from a pet store. She is warned it may use foul language since it used to live in a brohel. She assures the owner that is fine and takes it home. She uncovers the bird, it looks around and says " rwaark new house, new madam" The wife has a good laugh. Her daughter comes home, the bird says "rwark, new girl" The mom explains to the daughter, and both have a good laugh. A little while later the dad walks in, the bird looks at him and says " hi, bill"


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

Foul or fowl ?


----------



## Momof4

That was funny!!!


----------



## Gillian M

Anyfoot said:


> @Gillian Moore, I assume you love maths. See if you can do a 24hr clock. That would be good.


 Yes...I do love mathematics, thanks to:

1) a *GREAT* mathematics  teacher I had back at school
2) my dad who has  a Phd degree in the subject


----------



## Gillian M

Momof4 said:


> @dmmj
> I need more jokes from you!


 From ........M E ?


----------



## dmmj

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said,' 'I'm off. The man should be here soon''.

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.' 'Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....''

''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in.

''Really?'' the photographer asked.' 'Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.''

''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.''

''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.''

''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.''

''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith.

''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.''

''Don't I know!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.' 'This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.''

''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

''She was difficult?'' asked Mrs. Smith.

''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.''

''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

''Yes'', the photographer said.' 'And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.''

Mrs. Smith leaned forward.' 'You mean they actually chewed on your, eh...equipment?''

''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.''

''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?.....

Good Lord, she's fainted!!''


----------



## Anyfoot

Gillian Moore said:


> Yes...I do love mathematics, thanks to:
> 
> 1) a *GREAT* mathematics  teacher I had back at school
> 2) my dad who has  a Phd degree in the subject


Here you go Gillian. 

1




2





3



4


----------



## Gillian M

Anyfoot said:


> Here you go Gillian.
> 
> 1
> 
> View attachment 118736
> 
> 
> 2
> 
> 
> View attachment 118737
> 
> 
> 3
> View attachment 118738
> 
> 
> 4
> 
> View attachment 118739


 Here's a *quote* rather than a joke  mathematics:

"If it seems easy, then you're not doing it right." 

Do you people think it is true?


----------



## Anyfoot

Gillian Moore said:


> Here's a *quote* rather than a joke  mathematics:
> 
> "If it seems easy, then you're not doing it right."
> 
> Do you people think it is true?


Everything is easy once you know how.


----------



## Gillian M

Anyfoot said:


> Everything is easy once you know how.


 Math teacher: "I have 5 bottles in one hand and 5 bottles in the other. What do I have?"
Smart student: " A drinking problem, Miss !"


----------



## Anyfoot

Gillian Moore said:


> Math teacher: "I have 5 bottles in one hand and 5 bottles in the other. What do I have?"
> Smart student: " A drinking problem, Miss !"


Now that's funny.


----------



## Anyfoot

Gillian Moore said:


> Math teacher: "I have 5 bottles in one hand and 5 bottles in the other. What do I have?"
> Smart student: " A drinking problem, Miss !"


Q: What is the most erotic number?
A: 2110593!
Q: Why?
A: When 2 are 1 and don't pay at10tion, they'll know within 5 weeks whether or not, after 9 months, they'll be 3.


----------



## Anyfoot

Hi all. Here are some chemistry exam questions and student answers out of my joke book.

Q. What is a nitrate?
A. It is much cheaper than a day rate.

Q. Give a brief explanation of the meaning of the term 'hard water'
A. Ice

Q. What is a vacuum?
A. Something my mum says I should use more often.

Q. What is the meaning of the term 'activation energy'?
A. It's what is needed to get up in the morning.

Q. What is the characteristics of crude oil?
A. Coarse and rude.

Q. What is a vibration?
A. There are good vibrations and bad vibrations. Good vibrations were discovered in the 1960's.

a couple from a biology exam

Q. What is a fibula?
A. a little lie.

Q. What does 'terminal illness' mean?
A. When you become ill at the airport.

Will send more when i get the time


----------



## Gillian M

What did the blonde ask her friend after the latter had a pregnancy test?

"Did you pass the test? Was it difficult ?"

(So sorry blondes)


----------



## Anyfoot

geography exam

Q. What was the main industry of Persia?
A. Cats

Q.Name the smaller rivers that run into the Nile.
A. Juveniles.

Q.Name 6 animals that live specifically in the Arctic.
A. 2 polar bears and 4 seals.


----------



## Tom

Anyfoot said:


> geography exam
> 
> Q.Name 6 animals that live specifically in the Arctic.
> A. 2 polar bears and 4 seals.



I like this one the best.


----------



## Gillian M

Anyfoot said:


> geography exam
> 
> Q. What was the main industry of Persia?
> A. Cats
> 
> Q.Name the smaller rivers that run into the Nile.
> A. Juveniles.
> 
> Q.Name 6 animals that live specifically in the Arctic.
> A. 2 polar bears and 4 seals.


 I like the first joke but....what about *torts*?


----------



## Anyfoot

Gillian Moore said:


> I like the first joke but....what about *torts*?


Good point that.


----------



## Gillian M

Patient: "I broke my arm in two places."
Doctor: "Then for GOD's sake, stop going to these places!"


----------



## Gillian M

"This is your boss speaking" and "*THIS* *IS* *YOUR* *BOSS* *SHOUTING."*


----------



## Gillian M

What is the difference between "inlaws" and "outlaws?"
Outlaws are wanted whilst inlaws are *NOT*.


----------



## Gillian M

Shout *out *to those who want to know what the opposite of in is! Hahahaha!


----------



## Gillian M

Never trust atoms: they make up everything!


----------



## Gillian M

Two atoms were walking down the road. One atom said to the other: "I seem to have lost an electron!" "Are you sure?' the other one asks. "Oh yes, I'm positive!"


----------



## puffy137

Photons have mass? I didn't know they were catholic!!!


----------



## puffy137

When God first brought Man to fruition,
He viewed all the scraps with contrition.
He collected the junk ,
And created a skunk ,
Then the snake , then the first politician.


----------



## puffy137

What is Matter? Never mind !
What is mind ? No Matter!

Gone Crazy , back soon, 
Madness takes its toll, please have the exact change.


----------



## Moozillion

puffy137 said:


> When God first brought Man to fruition,
> He viewed all the scraps with contrition.
> He collected the junk ,
> And created a skunk ,
> Then the snake , then the first politician.


loveLoveLOVE this!!!!


----------



## Moozillion

puffy137 said:


> What is Matter? Never mind !
> What is mind ? No Matter!
> 
> Gone Crazy , back soon,
> Madness takes its toll, please have the exact change.


these are great!!!


----------



## the_newzie

From Facebook: A elderly couple celebrating their 50th anniversary planned a trip to the spot where it all began. The husband made sure he reserved the same table in the same old diner where they had their first date. The chef prepared the same meal they ordered over 50 years ago and at the end of the meal, they shared a kiss over an old fashioned rootbeer float just like that first time. An off duty police officer was in the booth next to them sipping a coffee and he couldn’t help but smile over the whole thing. He was surprised, however, when he overheard the old man tell his wife, “Do you remember that we first made love leaned up against the old fence around the back of here?” The wife looked at him and said, “Yes of course I remember.” The old man then got a sly grin and asked his wife, “You want to see if that fence is still there?” His wife blushed and giggled and nodded her head yes and the two went outside. The cop smiled to himself and just couldn’t help but wander outside a few seconds later to sneak a peek behind the diner at the old couple shacking up one last time against the fence. He was amazed at how much movement and excited grunts and groans he heard coming from the couple and he could swear he could see the steam rising off them as they went at it. When the couple finally reemerged, he couldn’t help but flag down the old gentleman and ask him, “Sir, I don’t mean to intrude, but I know what you were doing back there and I have to say, I am impressed! What is the secret to keeping your love that intense after all these years?” The old man, breathing so hard he could barely speak, looked at cop and said “They…*GASP*... electrified…*GASP*... the fence…*GASP*...”


----------



## puffy137

Hahahaha Newzie. I see you are from Las Vegas. Ever been to visit the Harrisons at the Pawn shop. I live in the Middle East ,but one of my favourite shows is Pawn Stars, with Old Man. Rick. Hoss & of course the adorable Chumlee.


----------



## puffy137

PS . A startled doe ran out of the tree line saying ' That's the last time I do that for 2 bucks!'


----------



## puffy137

oh !!! lord you saw that Ken , now there is no emote for blushing!!!!!!! lol


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

puffy137 said:


> oh !!! lord you saw that Ken , now there is no emote for blushing!!!!!!! lol


LOL


----------



## the_newzie

puffy137 said:


> Hahahaha Newzie. I see you are from Las Vegas. Ever been to visit the Harrisons at the Pawn shop. I live in the Middle East ,but one of my favourite shows is Pawn Stars, with Old Man. Rick. Hoss & of course the adorable Chumlee.


Yeah, I've met them a few times. They do a lot of charity poker tournaments. They were always nice at the events.


----------



## puffy137

the_newzie said:


> Yeah, I've met them a few times. They do a lot of charity poker tournaments. They were always nice at the events.


 Oh brilliant , I've now met someone who has met my TV heroes , great thanks that made my day .


----------



## mike taylor

A 80 year old man goes to the doctor for his check up . The doctor asked the man how you been? Man says not good . I just found out my wife is pregnant . He goes really how old is your wife? Man say 25 . The doctor says let me tell you about a hunting trip I took last week . I was in a rush and forgot my gun . So I just took the time to walk around . I came up on a damn . Seen a beautiful beaver!  Held up my hand like a gun . Then bang that beaver fell over dead . The doctor asks the man . So what do you think happened to the beaver . The old man says sounds like someone else pumped a round in that beaver . The doctor says . My point exactly! 
Hope I don't get in trouble for this . But it's funny as hell!


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

mike taylor said:


> someone else pumped a round in that beaver . /QUOTE]
> Priceless!


----------



## mike taylor

So someone liked it . Haha


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

http://www.ora.tv/wtfark/psa-hipste...-offspring-hipsters-responsibly-0_vjln0tmq5t8


----------



## mike taylor

No hipster here! All my boys have normal names . Brandon, Matthew, Justin see normal .


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

Compliments of the Wonderful Karen !


----------



## mike taylor

I like that one.


----------



## Gillian M

AbdullaAli said:


> A limerick!


 A very sweet limerick!


----------



## puffy137

Old lady died & was cremated , her will said her ashes were to be sprinkled at Walmart . When asked why Walmart , she said ' Well then I can be sure my daughter will visit me at least twice a week !'


----------



## Anyfoot




----------



## Anyfoot




----------



## puffy137

Anyfoot said:


> View attachment 119969


Wow Wow wow . Anyfoot you are a brave man. Lots of feminists will be on your case , but being a female I can splurge , how about this one You must have heard it before . ............'If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you,what have you done wrong ?' ........
'Made her chain too long !'.


----------



## Anyfoot

puffy137 said:


> Wow Wow wow . Anyfoot you are a brave man. Lots of feminists will be on your case , but being a female I can splurge , how about this one You must have heard it before . ............'If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you,what have you done wrong ?' ........
> 'Made her chain too long !'.


Ha ha that's very funny. Not heard that before. Don't worry I'm far from sexist. Equal rights all round, that's me. Anyway if you notice in the cartoon its a left hand drive car, Can't be me. lol


----------



## puffy137

Anyfoot said:


> Ha ha that's very funny. Not heard that before. Don't worry I'm far from sexist. Equal rights all round, that's me. Anyway if you notice in the cartoon its a left hand drive car, Can't be me. lol


 Ahh clever escape clause , lol


----------



## Abdulla6169

puffy137 said:


> Wow Wow wow . Anyfoot you are a brave man. Lots of feminists will be on your case , but being a female I can splurge , how about this one You must have heard it before . ............'If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you,what have you done wrong ?' ........
> 'Made her chain too long !'.


LOL! Puffy you're hilarious!


----------



## Momof4

Anyfoot said:


> View attachment 119969



I found this funny! I actually giggled.


----------



## Anyfoot

Four tortoises were playing in the backyard when they decided they needed hibiscus flower snacks. They pooled their money and sent the smallest tortoise out to fetch the snacks. Two days passed and there was no sign of the tortoise.

"You know, Shellita is getting really slow", said one of the tortoises.

A little voice from just out side the fence said, " If you are going to talk about me I won't go."


----------



## Anyfoot

A disturbed tortoise crawls into a police station.

"I've been robbed by a murderous gang of snails, he announces.

"Calm down," says a cop. "Just tell us everything that happened."

"That's difficult," says the tortoise. "It all happened so fast!"


----------



## Anyfoot

One day a lion wakes up in a bad mood and summons the other animals in the jungle.

"I want each of you to tell a joke, but I warn you that if anyone of you fails to laugh, I'll kill the one who told it. Let's see, monkey, you will be first."

Shaking with fear the monkey begins, "Two men are in the street and..."

When he finishes, everyone bursts out laughing save the tortoise. "The tortoise didn't laugh!" roars the lion, pouncing on the monkey and ripping him to pieces. Then he orders, "Elephant, you're next."

Cursing through clenched teeth, the elephant begins, "A drunk walks into a bar and..."

When he finishes, all the animals split their sides laughing except the tortoise, who remains impassive. "The tortoise didn't think it was funny!" exclaimed the lion who, seeing that the furious elephant is about to step on the tortoise, kills the elephant with his claws.

By now, everyone wants to murder the tortoise, but nobody dares move. "Now it's your turn, tiger," orders the lion.

The scared tiger begins, "They say that Little Red Riding Hood..."

At that moment, the tortoise falls over laughing. "What's with you?" bellows the lion. "Tiger hasn't finished yet..."

To which the tortoise replies, "The monkey's joke is hilarious!"


----------



## Abdulla6169

I found this quite funny...


"Arabs be like:
Roses are red, 
Violets are blue, 
You have an arranged marriage waiting for you."


----------



## Gillian M

AbdullaAli said:


> I found this quite funny...
> 
> 
> "Arabs be like:
> Roses are red,
> Violets are blue,
> You have an arranged marriage waiting for you."


Nice one! _*No*_ offence AbdullaAli... that is so very true in the Arab world, is it not?


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

The difference between milking a cow
And milking a bull?
A bull smiles when you milk him…


----------



## leigti

Cowboy_Ken said:


> The difference between milking a cow
> And milking a bull?
> A bull smiles when you milk him…


That's terrible


----------



## russian/sulcata/tortoise

Cowboy_Ken said:


> The difference between milking a cow
> And milking a bull?
> A bull smiles when you milk him…


ew, thats some weird bestiality ****. what is wrong with you!?


----------



## Anyfoot

Cowboy_Ken said:


> The difference between milking a cow
> And milking a bull?
> A bull smiles when you milk him…


HaHaHaHa now that's a Proper joke. Very funny.


----------



## Abdulla6169

Gillian Moore said:


> Nice one! _*No*_ offence AbdullaAli... that is so very true in the Arab world, is it not?


Yeah, quite common...


----------



## Gillian M

AbdullaAli said:


> Yeah, quite common...


 I'd say, extremely-not only quite-but don't still understand  why. Do you know why AbdullaAli?


----------



## Gillian M

leigti said:


> That's terrible


 Definitely. But that's the way it is....too bad.


----------



## Gillian M

Anyfoot said:


> HaHaHaHa now that's a Proper joke. Very funny.


 The trouble is that is in not a joke!


----------



## Anyfoot

Gillian Moore said:


> The trouble is that is in not a joke!


Whats not a joke


----------



## Anyfoot

Gillian Moore said:


> The trouble is that is in not a joke!


I think you have your wires crossed.
I and @leigti were on about @Cowboy_Ken 's joke about the cow and the bull.


----------



## puffy137

Seeing we are all going down a bovine track , ' Clever cowgirls keep their calves together !'


----------



## puffy137

What do you call a cow with no legs? ,,,,,...........Ground Beef!

What do you call a cow with 2 legs ? .................Lean Beef!

Why do gorillas have big nostrils ? ...................because they have big fingers !!!! lol Now I'm laughing at my own jokes , bad sign !!!!


----------



## puffy137

I miss Jay Leno , this one would have amused him, its a Wanted Ad.

WANTED; A man to take care of a cow that doesn't smoke or drink !


----------



## Abdulla6169

AbdullaAli said:


> I found this quite funny...
> 
> 
> "Arabs be like:
> Roses are red,
> Violets are blue,
> You have an arranged marriage waiting for you."


You know your Arab when:


LOL...


----------



## Abdulla6169

What foreigners think when I tell them I'm from Dubai:


#ArabSterotypes


----------



## puffy137

Either that or swaggering round Monte Carlo with a dolly bird on each arm


----------



## Abdulla6169

puffy137 said:


> Either that or swaggering round Monte Carlo with a dolly bird on each arm


I remember a man in Italy told us he'd like to marry an Emarati woman, then he'd become rich. LOL. He's such a funny and nice man


----------



## puffy137

You should have told him that before he could marry an Emarati lady , he would need a little operation !


----------



## Abdulla6169

puffy137 said:


> You should have told him that before he could marry an Emarati lady , he would need a little operation !


I chose not to tell him that she would've asked for a dowry of at least $5500... I spared him heart (and wallet) ache.


----------



## Gillian M

Anyfoot said:


> I think you have your wires crossed.
> I and @leigti were on about @Cowboy_Ken 's joke about the cow and the bull.


Very sorry for the mistake.


AbdullaAli said:


> I chose not to tell him that she would've asked for a dowry of at least $5500... I spared him heart (and wallet) ache.


 
That makes sense.


----------



## Anyfoot

Gillian Moore said:


> Very sorry for the mistake.
> 
> 
> That makes sense.


Its ok, we all make mistakes, me more than most.


----------



## Gillian M

AbdullaAli said:


> You know your Arab when:
> View attachment 120430
> 
> LOL...


 Get reay for it! hahaha!


----------



## Gillian M

Anyfoot said:


> Its ok, we all make mistakes, me more than most.
> 
> View attachment 120455


 Thanks a lot your understanding.


----------



## Anyfoot

I know there is a lot of mixed feelings on cross breading or hybridising.
Thoughts on my photo would be appreciated, Please not to harsh.


----------



## Anyfoot

oops forgot to post the photo

Its a toraffe


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

My brother in Alaska said Mike Taylor was whining about Alaska being bigger than Texas. So Alaska, always wanting to help, suggested they'd simply divide the state in half. Did that make Mike happy? Nope. A smart Texan realized they were now the third largest state!


----------



## mike taylor

Thats alright they can have that frozen hell . I'm staying in Texas! Haha


----------



## Moozillion

Anyfoot said:


> oops forgot to post the photo
> 
> Its a toraffe
> 
> View attachment 120545


That's WILD!!!!


----------



## Heather H

My son made this up last year. He was 7:
What to you get when you cross a male cat and a chicken ?
Am I supposed to give the answer?


----------



## Yvonne G

YES! don't keep us in suspense!


----------



## Heather H

A peeping Tom


----------



## Yvonne G

Tell your son it made ma LOL!


----------



## Heather H

Yvonne G said:


> Tell your son it made ma LOL!


Thank you


----------



## Jodie

That is a very cute joke. Even my husband chuckled.


----------



## Gillian M

AbdullaAli said:


> I found this quite funny...
> 
> 
> "Arabs be like:
> Roses are red,
> Violets are blue,
> You have an arranged marriage waiting for you."


 Here's something about marriage:

"I am not thinking  of marriage. Here's why:

All I have to do is get THREE pets:

1) A dog that growls very early in the morning
2) A parrot that swears at me all day long
3) A cat that does not return home till after midnight
Last but not least I have a gorgeous tort  who's "PICKY on FOOD!" (This makes them four).


----------



## Momof4




----------



## mike taylor

Momof4 said:


> View attachment 120806


Now this is funny!


----------



## Anyfoot

puffy137 said:


> Wow Wow wow . Anyfoot you are a brave man. Lots of feminists will be on your case , but being a female I can splurge , how about this one You must have heard it before . ............'If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you,what have you done wrong ?' ........
> 'Made her chain too long !'.


 Hi @puffy137 

Remember I said I'm all for equal rights. Well just to prove I'm a man of my word. Here you go, we are demolishing our old outhouse. 

Work work faster faster hee hee hee


----------



## puffy137

Man you are a crafty toad , but you must be doing SOMETHING right...........!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

Why do my neighbors all have tulips, roses, and all manner of exotic plants in bloom right now, and all I have are weeds?

Because I own tortoises!


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

Cowboy_Ken said:


> Why do my neighbors all have tulips, roses, and all manner of exotic plants in bloom right now, and all I have are weeds?
> 
> Because I own tortoises!


I made that up, and was lying at the same time. We've got other things in bloom;


----------



## Abdulla6169

Cowboy_Ken said:


> Why do my neighbors all have tulips, roses, and all manner of exotic plants in bloom right now, and all I have are weeds?
> 
> Because I own tortoises!


On the other side of this world:


----------



## Anyfoot




----------



## Anyfoot

This is not a joke and really happened. Told Dawn I was getting 2 more torts, she text me this.


----------



## Moozillion

On Cooking From a Flawed Recipe

I didn't have potatoes
so I substituted rice.
I didn't have paprika
so I used another spice.
I didn't have tomato sauce,
I used tomato paste.
A whole can, not a half can,
I do not believe in waste.
A friend gave me the recipe
She said you couldn't beat it.
There must be something wrong with her,
I couldn't even eat it!!!


----------



## Gillian M

Moozillion said:


> On Cooking From a Flawed Recipe
> 
> I didn't have potatoes
> so I substituted rice.
> I didn't have paprika
> so I used another spice.
> I didn't have tomato sauce,
> I used tomato paste.
> A whole can, not a half can,
> I do not believe in waste.
> A friend gave me the recipe
> She said you couldn't beat it.
> There must be something wrong with her,
> I couldn't even eat it!!!


 A nice one Moozillion...it made me laugh out aloud.


----------



## Moozillion

Glad you enjoyed it!


----------



## Gillian M

Moozillion said:


> Glad you enjoyed it!


 Thanks a lot,  appreciate it.


----------



## Moozillion

Anyfoot said:


> This is not a joke and really happened. Told Dawn I was getting 2 more torts, she text me this.
> 
> View attachment 122550


I liked this so much I took a screen shot so I can use it for the perfect occasion!!!! THANKS!!!


----------



## Yvonne G

Speaking of David, where is he lately? Oh @dmmj , where are you?


----------



## Moozillion

Here's one for our friends from the UK:
From the elephant paddock one day
They took poor Barbara Woodhouse away;
There's no harm in the least
Shouting "Sit!" To the beast,
But she should have got out of the way!


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

TORTOISE FORUM SPORTS NEWS
by Tidgy the Tortoise
Qatar has won out in its bid to host the 2026 Winter Olympics. Despite having zero snowfall, no ski slopes or winter sports facillities of any kind, International Olympic Committee president AbdullaAli described Qatar's bid as a ' Triumph of the optimism of the human spirit'.
He said it was high time a major winter sporting event was host in the Middle East, blaming anti-Arab prejudice for resistance to the idea.
The Emir of Qatar told Tortoise Forum sports correspondent: 'We shall encase the entire country in gigantic, temperature-controlled ice dome. Then Nepalese workers with chainsaws will dismantle the top half of Mount Everest section-by-section and drag it to Qatar on massive sledges. There is a small chance that these plans may fall through. However, we have back-up plans - traditional winter sports could be replaced with brand new events such as dune luge, sand hurling and flogging'.
The International Olympic Committee decision has not been met with universal approval however, especially after several players drowned during an open air exhibition ice hockey tournament in Doha.


----------



## Abdulla6169

Reporter:
"Why did you choose Qatar? Isn't homosexuality illegal there?"
Me, aka International Olympic Committee president:
"Guess they'll have to refrain from homosexual activity there..."
Reporter:
"What about alcohol in the stadium? Is that allowed?"
Me:
"Obviously this another issue we haven't figured out yet..."
Reporter:
"It's extremely hot in Qatar. How will you overcome this issue"
Me: 
"Umm... We are using untested large scale air conditioning techniques. The outcome will be great though."
Reporter:
"Some are concerned about worker's rights in Qatar. Have you launched any investigations?"
Me:
"The government here has been investigating this for a many years now. I assure you all our workers live in the best of conditions."
Reporter:
"Do you have any idea how much the project will cost?"
Me:
"About $220 Billion."
Reporter:
"Isn't that a bit too pricey?"
Me:
"If you want the people in the stadiums to have air conditioning, then no, it's a great price."
Reporter:
"Why didn't you pick a country other than Qatar? The U.S. Maybe?
Me:
"Umm... Are you saying I was bribed? My God, you people are disrespectful..."
Reporter:
"I apologize sir. I didn't mean to offend you."
End of Interview.


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

Tidgy's Dad said:


> TORTOISE FORUM SPORTS NEWS
> by Tidgy the Tortoise
> Qatar has won out in its bid to host the 2026 Winter Olympics. Despite having zero snowfall, no ski slopes or winter sports facillities of any kind, International Olympic Committee president AbdullaAli described Qatar's bid as a ' Triumph of the optimism of the human spirit'.
> He said it was high time a major winter sporting event was host in the Middle East, blaming anti-Arab prejudice for resistance to the idea.
> The Emir of Qatar told Tortoise Forum sports correspondent: 'We shall encase the entire country in gigantic, temperature-controlled ice dome. Then Nepalese workers with chainsaws will dismantle the top half of Mount Everest section-by-section and drag it to Qatar on massive sledges. There is a small chance that these plans may fall through. However, we have back-up plans - traditional winter sports could be replaced with brand new events such as dune luge, sand hurling and flogging'.
> The International Olympic Committee decision has not been met with universal approval however, especially after several players drowned during an open air exhibition ice hockey tournament in Doha.


This made me laugh very well. Thank you. I needed it.


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Cowboy_Ken said:


> This made me laugh very well. Thank you. I needed it.


I know you did. Very glad I can help in my little way. I will add another tomorrow to help you laugh a little bit more.
We're all missing you and care a lot.


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

TORTOISE FORUM CULINARY REPORT 
by Tidgy the Tortoise ( our resident restaurant critic)
Tapas style tortoise meals are proof that sharing is overrated, it has been claimed. Researchers visiting 'small plate' tortoise enclosures found the experience to be deeply stressful and not as good as conventional 'big plate' dining.
Professor Ivor Terrapin of the Institute for Chelonian Studies said, 'We are conditioned by Humans to believe that sharing is intrinsically good, but in fact it's just annoying. Our group ordered four dishes each with the idea of pooling resources. The most appetizing ones; dandelion flowers and clover were instantly consumed, leaving only the cuttlefish bone and a bowl of dry Mazuri that was the obligatory 'health item'. So we see that sharing doesn't benefit everyone. In fact it creates a desperate Darwinian struggle for resources where only swift-jawed vulture torts can thrive.'
Local Tapas restaurant owner Shelly the Sulcata denied that selling little dishes of cucumber costing $6 was an exercise in profit maximization masquerading as a chance to be a better tortoise.
He said: 'Sharing is good and fun. Because......ok I can't back that up. It just is. Only a dreadful human being would think otherwise.'


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

TORTOISE FORUM TRAVEL REPORT
By Tidgy's Dad - roving reporter.

I was in the queue for check-in at Malaga airport the other day, and was nearly at the front when somebody pushed in front on the only other person in front of me.
Now, the English are very bad at complaining.
They are good at tutting and drinking tea.
So usually, in this situation, I tut quietly but think 'wa**er' in my head.
Unfortunately, on this occasion I got it wrong and loudly said the word out loud and in my head i tut-tutted.
The enormous 'gentleman' who was the focus of my outrage looked at me in curiosity and started to look mean.
I reacted in the only sensible way and, as anyone would do, pretended I had Tourette's Syndrome so started twitching my head violently in jerky spasms and swearing loudly and randomly.
When I found my seat on the plane, I was horrified to find my erstwhile queue mate in the seat next to me, so had to spend the next four hours flight to Moscow swearing and twitching to keep up the pretense.
It got so bad I found it difficult to stop and had an interesting time at Russian customs.
But not before, as we were disembarking, that I found my companion was Siberian and spoke not a word of English.
By the way, for the travel report, Malaga is nice.
So is Moscow.


----------



## leigti

Tidgy's Dad said:


> TORTOISE FORUM TRAVEL REPORT
> By Tidgy's Dad - roving reporter.
> 
> I was in the queue for check-in at Malaga airport the other day, and was nearly at the front when somebody pushed in front on the only other person in front of me.
> Now, the English are very bad at complaining.
> They are good at tutting and drinking tea.
> So usually, in this situation, I tut quietly but think 'wa**er' in my head.
> Unfortunately, on this occasion I got it wrong and loudly said the word out loud and in my head i tut-tutted.
> The enormous 'gentleman' who was the focus of my outrage looked at me in curiosity and started to look mean.
> I reacted in the only sensible way and, as anyone would do, pretended I had Tourette's Syndrome so started twitching my head violently in jerky spasms and swearing loudly and randomly.
> When I found my seat on the plane, I was horrified to find my erstwhile queue mate in the seat next to me, so had to spend the next four hours flight to Moscow swearing and twitching to keep up the pretense.
> It got so bad I found it difficult to stop and had an interesting time at Russian customs.
> But not before, as we were disembarking, that I found my companion was Siberian and spoke not a word of English.
> By the way, for the travel report, Malaga is nice.
> So is Moscow.


That sounds just about crazy enough to be a true story.


----------



## Gillian M

leigti said:


> That sounds just about crazy enough to be a true story.


 You bet it does


----------



## Moozillion

Tidgy's Dad said:


> TORTOISE FORUM TRAVEL REPORT
> By Tidgy's Dad - roving reporter.
> 
> I was in the queue for check-in at Malaga airport the other day, and was nearly at the front when somebody pushed in front on the only other person in front of me.
> Now, the English are very bad at complaining.
> They are good at tutting and drinking tea.
> So usually, in this situation, I tut quietly but think 'wa**er' in my head.
> Unfortunately, on this occasion I got it wrong and loudly said the word out loud and in my head i tut-tutted.
> The enormous 'gentleman' who was the focus of my outrage looked at me in curiosity and started to look mean.
> I reacted in the only sensible way and, as anyone would do, pretended I had Tourette's Syndrome so started twitching my head violently in jerky spasms and swearing loudly and randomly.
> When I found my seat on the plane, I was horrified to find my erstwhile queue mate in the seat next to me, so had to spend the next four hours flight to Moscow swearing and twitching to keep up the pretense.
> It got so bad I found it difficult to stop and had an interesting time at Russian customs.
> But not before, as we were disembarking, that I found my companion was Siberian and spoke not a word of English.
> By the way, for the travel report, Malaga is nice.
> So is Moscow.


OMG!!! That is hilarious!!!!


----------



## Gillian M

Moozillion said:


> OMG!!! That is hilarious!!!!


 It really is!


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

I'm gonna do that next time just for fun.


----------



## Heather H

A man went onto a thread. He was very sad that the emoji's were not working. Hi cried and cried. So his friends got them fixed just for him.


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

TORTOISE FORUM AGONY COLUMN
by our expert Aunt Tidgy
Dear Aunt Tidgy,
For several years I was having an extra marital affair with an Italian woman called Sulcatiana .........
One night she confided in me that she was pregnant.
Now, I didn't want to ruin my reputation as America's top Desert Tortoise painter, or my marriage to Hermione, so I said that I would pay her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to have the baby.
Not ever wanting word to get out to Hermann's, I mean Hermione, as she would surely have killed me, I also promised that if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, I would provide child support until the child turned 18 years of age, though it would be difficult to find this sum without wifey knowing.
Sulcatiana agreed, but asked how I would know when the child was born. 
To keep it discreet, I told her to simply mail me a post card, with a tortoise on it and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. I would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, I came home to a confused Hermione.
'Honey', she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and i'll explain later,' i said. As always, wifey obeyed me and watched as I read the reverse of the tortoise postcard, turned white and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti,Spaghetti, Spaghetti,Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.

Help me Aunt Tidgy, what can I do?
Mr Al Ligator.

Aunt Tidgy says:
Serves you right!!!!!!


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

Funny stuff.


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

TORTOISE FORUM LETTERS
Edited by Tidgy the Tortoise
Today is Wifey and my anniversary. All very nice.She comes from a wealthy, aristocratic family and I, well, I'm a country boy. So, here is how I came to marry her.
Back in the days when Wifey wasn't wifey and just Girlfriend No. 27, I was, I recall, a very happy man. She was so rich and we had been dating for over a year, so we decided to get married, though I wasn't sure how her family would take it. They seemed to be hoping she'd marry the Duke of Argyll, or some bloke off the telly. It was great though. But there was one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister Sophie. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight, very short mini skirts and was, generally bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, she never did it around anyone else.
One day Sophie called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my sister's wedding invitations' she said She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore. (And who could blame her?) She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married. She said,' Before you commit your life to my sister'. Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word. She said 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom. if you want one last wild fling, just come upstairs and I'm yours'.
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her slink up the stairs. I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door, and headed straight towards my car. Low and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law to be hugged me. He said, ' Adam, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. ' We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son.'
So, that's how we got married.
And the moral of the story is......
Always keep your condoms in your car!


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Oh, and joke of the day.
How many bacteria does it take to change a light-bulb?
1
no, 2....4......8.....16.....32....64....128.....


----------



## Heather H

Tidgy's Dad said:


> TORTOISE FORUM LETTERS
> Edited by Tidgy the Tortoise
> Today is Wifey and my anniversary. All very nice.She comes from a wealthy, aristocratic family and I, well, I'm a country boy. So, here is how I came to marry her.
> Back in the days when Wifey wasn't wifey and just Girlfriend No. 27, I was, I recall, a very happy man. She was so rich and we had been dating for over a year, so we decided to get married, though I wasn't sure how her family would take it. They seemed to be hoping she'd marry the Duke of Argyll, or some bloke off the telly. It was great though. But there was one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister Sophie. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight, very short mini skirts and was, generally bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, she never did it around anyone else.
> One day Sophie called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my sister's wedding invitations' she said She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore. (And who could blame her?) She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married. She said,' Before you commit your life to my sister'. Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word. She said 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom. if you want one last wild fling, just come upstairs and I'm yours'.
> I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her slink up the stairs. I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door, and headed straight towards my car. Low and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law to be hugged me. He said, ' Adam, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. ' We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son.'
> So, that's how we got married.
> And the moral of the story is......
> Always keep your condoms in your car!


Rofl. Almost wet myself.


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

Tidgy's Dad said:


> Always keep your condoms in your car!


Brillant ! Mad as a hatter, but Brilliant !


----------



## jaizei

Sorry Nicky, that's probably not forum appropriate.


----------



## russian/sulcata/tortoise

jaizei said:


> Sorry Nicky, that's probably not forum appropriate.


i dont understand.


----------



## tortdad

jaizei said:


> Sorry Nicky, that's probably not forum appropriate.


Must not have been since it appears to have Been deleted


----------



## tortdad

Anyone with not appropriate jokes can feel free to PM them to me. I love dirty jokes!


----------



## Abdulla6169

tortdad said:


> Anyone with not appropriate jokes can feel free to PM them to me. I love dirty jokes!


To anyone that's sending jokes to Kevin, send them to me too (please!).


----------



## russian/sulcata/tortoise

tortdad said:


> Anyone with not appropriate jokes can feel free to PM them to me. I love dirty jokes!


it was a picture, i didn't think it was bad i don't understand why it was deleted.


----------



## jaizei

It wasn't dirty. It was a picture of Jesus with an alternate explanation for Easter.


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

jaizei said:


> It wasn't dirty. It was a picture of Jesus with an alternate explanation for Easter.


Violation of “Church and Forum" doctorate then?


----------



## tortdad

I still want to hear some dirty jokes


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

tortdad said:


> I still want to hear some dirty jokes


I believe yours were better than mine.


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

That is horrible!


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

Tidgy's Dad said:


> That is horrible!


Yet someone chanced taking a picture…


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Cowboy_Ken said:


> Yet someone chanced taking a picture…


And you say I'm Mad as a Hatter!!!


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

; )


----------



## russian/sulcata/tortoise

Cowboy_Ken said:


> I believe yours were better than mine.
> View attachment 124873


this post was way worse than mine.


----------



## russian/sulcata/tortoise

i still don't understand why my post was deleted.


----------



## russian/sulcata/tortoise

i think the banning of my post was a violation of my freedom of tortoises forums religion.


----------



## Abdulla6169

russian/sulcata/tortoise said:


> i think the banning of my post was a violation of my freedom of tortoises forums religion.


"The Tortoise Forum .org Team shall be the sole arbitrator of what does and what does not violate community standards. We reserve the right to take any action we deem necessary to ensure these forums are not disrupted or abused. 
We reserve the right to ban anyone who willfully violates these rules."
—The Tortoise Forum .org Guidelines


----------



## Abdulla6169

russian/sulcata/tortoise said:


> i think the banning of my post was a violation of my freedom of tortoises forums religion.


Oh. And BTW, this isn't a violation of freedom of religion, but a violation of freedom of speech. Logically, TFO isn't restricting your freedom of religion, rather it is restricting your freedom to express some of the views you hold.


----------



## russian/sulcata/tortoise

AbdullaAli said:


> Oh. And BTW, this isn't a violation of freedom of religion, but a violation of freedom of speech. Logically, TFO isn't restricting your freedom of religion, rather it is restricting your freedom to express some of the views you hold.


blah blah blah


----------



## russian/sulcata/tortoise

AbdullaAli said:


> "The Tortoise Forum .org Team shall be the sole arbitrator of what does and what does not violate community standards. We reserve the right to take any action we deem necessary to ensure these forums are not disrupted or abused.
> We reserve the right to ban anyone who willfully violates these rules."
> —The Tortoise Forum .org Guidelines


blah blah blah


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Be nice guys. This is the jokes thread.
And it is Easter, a very important time for some people.
Two young men looking through a mail order catalogue.
Patrick says, ''Look at all these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too.''
Mick agrees, ''I'm ordering one right now.''
3 weeks later paddy says to Mick,, ''has your woman turned up yet?''
''No, replies Mick, '' but it shouldn't be long now though. her clothes have arrived already.''


----------



## russian/sulcata/tortoise




----------



## Moozillion

russian/sulcata/tortoise said:


> View attachment 124878
> View attachment 124879
> View attachment 124880


 Is that snake for REAL??!?!


----------



## AZtortMom

Moozillion said:


> Is that snake for REAL??!?!


I think so. I think he is eating a rabbit too *eyes bulging*


----------



## russian/sulcata/tortoise

Moozillion said:


> Is that snake for REAL??!?!


yea...


----------



## Momof4

Tidgy's Dad said:


> TORTOISE FORUM LETTERS
> Edited by Tidgy the Tortoise
> Today is Wifey and my anniversary. All very nice.She comes from a wealthy, aristocratic family and I, well, I'm a country boy. So, here is how I came to marry her.
> Back in the days when Wifey wasn't wifey and just Girlfriend No. 27, I was, I recall, a very happy man. She was so rich and we had been dating for over a year, so we decided to get married, though I wasn't sure how her family would take it. They seemed to be hoping she'd marry the Duke of Argyll, or some bloke off the telly. It was great though. But there was one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister Sophie. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight, very short mini skirts and was, generally bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, she never did it around anyone else.
> One day Sophie called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my sister's wedding invitations' she said She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore. (And who could blame her?) She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married. She said,' Before you commit your life to my sister'. Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word. She said 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom. if you want one last wild fling, just come upstairs and I'm yours'.
> I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her slink up the stairs. I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door, and headed straight towards my car. Low and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law to be hugged me. He said, ' Adam, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. ' We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son.'
> So, that's how we got married.
> And the moral of the story is......
> Always keep your condoms in your car!




That was so funny!! Laughing over here!!!


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

TORTOISE FORUM HEALTH AND BEAUTY 
By Doctor Tidgy.
Last week my dad's wifey came into my surgery to see me with a very personal problem.
'What is it?, I asked gently,' You can confide in me. I'm an old family friend, I'm like a daughter to you and live in you house. And i'm bound by the tortoise medical Hypocritical Oath not to reveal this to all and sundry at tortoise forum.org.'
'Well, I trust you implicitly, of course', she said sweetly. ' But I am rather afraid I have a rather serious case of flatulence. I simply cannot stop farting, especially in public.'
'Oh dear,' I responded, sticking a dandelion leaf over my nose and trying to suppress a shudder. 'How really embarrassing and awful for you - and Adam'. 
' Not really, she replied, 'Luckily, they're odourless and silent.'.
'Hmmmm,' said I, ' I'll write a prescription for you at once.' And i did.
Yesterday, wifey returned, most distressed and said, ' Dr Tidgy, that medicine you gave me has made me worse. Now I can smell the gas i'm giving off and it's like sewage, rotten meat and body odour all rolled into one. But much worse. Luckily, I still make no noise doing them., so nobody seems to know that it is I who is emitting the obnoxious pong'.
' Great!', said I happily, ' Now that I have fixed your sinus problem, I'll prescribe you something for your hearing.'


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

And jokes of the day.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.


or maybe:

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?


A carrot.


----------



## Abdulla6169

An eggceptionally good yolk:


----------



## Moozillion

AbdullaAli said:


> Any eggceptionally good yolk;
> View attachment 124934


HAHAHAHAH!


----------



## Gillian M

tortdad said:


> Anyone with not appropriate jokes can feel free to PM them to me. I love dirty jokes!


 Hmmmhmm-you love dirty jokes? I don't!


----------



## Gillian M

Moozillion said:


> Is that snake for REAL??!?!


 That's the same thing that was racing through my mind as as was looking at the pic!  I personally do not think so.


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

TORTOISE FORUM OBITUARY COLUMN
By Tidgy the Tortoise.
When my dad's dad's dad, or Adam's granddad lay dying in his bed last week, an interesting event occurred which I must relate.
He was a very old man and had had a good life, but, sadly was suffering agonies on his way to his final moment. He suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, passed the tortoise enclosure, gripping the sides for support and gradually made it to the kitchen. 
There, piled on a tray, were his favourite scones. Was this heaven? or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture, like a Russian tortoise trying to climb the sheer walls of its tank. His aged and withered tortoise like claw trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, (kitchen table, not tortoise table) when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon.
''**** off!'', she said,''They're for the funeral.'' 
We wish him scones in a better place.


----------



## leigti

Tidgy's Dad said:


> TORTOISE FORUM OBITUARY COLUMN
> By Tidgy the Tortoise.
> When my dad's dad's dad, or Adam's granddad lay dying in his bed last week, an interesting event occurred which I must relate.
> He was a very old man and had had a good life, but, sadly was suffering agonies on his way to his final moment. He suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, passed the tortoise enclosure, gripping the sides for support and gradually made it to the kitchen.
> There, piled on a tray, were his favourite scones. Was this heaven? or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that left this world a happy man?
> Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture, like a Russian tortoise trying to climb the sheer walls of its tank. His aged and withered tortoise like claw trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, (kitchen table, not tortoise table) when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon.
> ''**** off!'', she said,''They're for the funeral.''
> We wish him scones in a better place.


That was terrible! But I still laughed a little.


----------



## Moozillion

Tidgy's Dad said:


> TORTOISE FORUM OBITUARY COLUMN
> By Tidgy the Tortoise.
> When my dad's dad's dad, or Adam's granddad lay dying in his bed last week, an interesting event occurred which I must relate.
> He was a very old man and had had a good life, but, sadly was suffering agonies on his way to his final moment. He suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, passed the tortoise enclosure, gripping the sides for support and gradually made it to the kitchen.
> There, piled on a tray, were his favourite scones. Was this heaven? or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that left this world a happy man?
> Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture, like a Russian tortoise trying to climb the sheer walls of its tank. His aged and withered tortoise like claw trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, (kitchen table, not tortoise table) when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon.
> ''**** off!'', she said,''They're for the funeral.''
> We wish him scones in a better place.


That's funny- BAD- but funny!!!


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

TORTOISE FORUM TECHNOLOGY PAGE
By Professor Tidgy the Tortoise.
MOMENT COMPUTER HELPER'S ENERGY RAN OUT.
Proving that the technological revolution has not been a total success, this is a real life conversation from the help line of a major computer software firm.
We at Tortoise Forum have deleted the name of the company to save ourselves ending up in the courts.
Needless to say the help desk employee was fired, however he or she is currently suing the organisation for 'termination without cause.'
You might think the employee should have been promoted instead
'Computer assistance. May I help you?'
_Yes, well,I'm having trouble with my software.
'_What sort of trouble? '
_Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away'
'_Went away?''
_They disappeared.
'_Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
_'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
' _Are you still in [ the software programme] or did you get out?
_How do I tell?
' _Can you see the C: prompt?'
_What's the sea prompt?
'_Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
_There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type_
'Does your monitor have a power indicator?'
_What's a monitor?_
'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a T.V. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
_I don't know_
'Well then, look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord is.'
_Yes, I think so._
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
_Yes, it is._
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one."
_No_
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
_Okay, here it is._
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
_I can't reach it._
"Uh huh. Well can you see if it is?"
_No._
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
_Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark_
"Dark?"
_Yes,- the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window._
"Well, turn on the office light then."
_I can't._
"No? Why not?"
_Because there's a power failure.
"_A power......., a power failure? Aha,okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
_Well, yes. I keep them in the closet._
"Good. Go get them, unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
_Really? Is it that bad?
"_Yes, I'm afraid it is"
_Well, alright then, I suppose. What do I tell them?_
"Tell them you're too ******* stupid to own a computer."


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Last night wifey and I watched three movies back to back.
Next time I'm going to be the one facing the television.


----------



## Gillian M

Momof4 said:


> That was so funny!! Laughing over here!!!


 That really made me laugh out loud! But...did this really happen or is it a "fairy tale?" written by *YOU?*


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Gillian Moore said:


> That really made me laugh out loud! But...did this really happen or is it a "fairy tale?" written by *YOU?*


Never let the truth stand in the way of a good anecdote.
Embellishment is bliss.
You decide what's real and what's not.
I'm not certain myself.


----------



## Gillian M

Tidgy's Dad said:


> Never let the truth stand in the way of a good anecdote.
> Embellishment is bliss.
> You decide what's real and what's not.
> I'm not certain myself.


 hahaha...very funny!


----------



## Yvonne G

russian/sulcata/tortoise said:


> i think the banning of my post was a violation of my freedom of tortoises forums religion.



Let it go Nick.


----------



## AZtortMom

What's gray with big ears and a trunk?
A mouse going on vacation 
Or
What's a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

TORTOISE FORUM CULTURE
_The Edinburgh Festival 2011
by McTidgy the Tortoise. (well it's taken this long to walk back to my typewriter.)_
I needed a password 8 characters long.
So I picked Snow White and the seven dwarfs.

People say '' I'm just taking it one day at a time.''
You know what? So am I, that's how time works.

Drive Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought.
Once I'd hired a car and paid for gas and insurance........

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting.'
So we stopped playing chess. 

My mother told me and my sister, ' You don't have to put anything in your mouth that you don't want to.'
Then she made us eat broccoli which seemed like double standards.

I was in a band called 'The Prevention', because we were better than 'The Cure'.

Someone asked me, 'Which would you rather give up, food or sex?'
Neither, I'm not falling for that one again.

You know who really gives kids bad name?
Posh and Becks.


----------



## Moozillion

The one about "Posh and Beck's" was over my head, I'm afraid...


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Victoria Beckham was Posh Spice in the Spice Girls.
David Beckham is her husband, an ex England soccer captain.
Their kids are called 'Brooklyn' (where he was conceived), Romeo, Cruz and Harper Seven.


----------



## Moozillion

Aha!! Thank you!!


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

Adam, I'm believe what we refer to as “ranch dressing " is referred to as “cool American " in many parts of the world. Does that help at all?


----------



## Moozillion

"Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, for they shall always be amused!"


----------



## Jacqui

If your not allowed to talk politics in one thread (such as chat) it does not mean to do so on the joke thread. No politics or religion allowed on any thread, in any form. Is that simple and clear enough?


----------



## Jacqui

I have removed all posts from this last set of comments, which several have thought crossed into political zone and sent them to the Mod section.


----------



## Moozillion

Jacqui said:


> If your not allowed to talk politics in one thread (such as chat) it does not mean to do so on the joke thread. No politics or religion allowed on any thread, in any form. Is that simple and clear enough?


 Yes, ma'am!!!
I do love this forum and was just trying to help.
I'll try harder to just AVOID comments.


----------



## puffy137

Jacqui said:


> I have removed all posts from this last set of comments, which several have thought crossed into political zone and sent them to the Mod section.


Sorry Jacqui , I consider myself properly chastised , but saying I admire President Obama etc , does that count as politics ?


----------



## Jacqui

puffy137 said:


> Sorry Jacqui , I consider myself properly chastised , but saying I admire President Obama etc , does that count as politics ?



I had thought about cutting out just the unallowed comments, but instead just decided to clean out all the comments. Sadly this meant some good stuff was also removed. Depending on what other Mods feel and time, I may bring back some cleaned up posts.


----------



## puffy137

Ok as penitence let me share this joke. 
An upper class English lady enters a butchers shop looking for a certain type of duck .She asked the young man at the counter , ' Young man I want a Miuscovy Duck if you please !' The young man produces a carcass of a duck & the lady proceeds to poke the duck in its rear end . 'No young man this is not a Muscovy duck this is a Danish duck.' The young man takes that duck away & produces another duck , same thing again the lady inspects the duck under the parsons nose , & shakes her head. ' No young man this is an Aylesbury duck '. He takes it back & produces a 3rd duck , this time the lady does the same thing & smiles 'Well done young man that is a Muscovy duck , I'll take it , by the way young man , where do you come from?' The young man comes round from behind the counter & bends over presenting his rear to the lady saying ' You are the expert Ma'am , you tell me!'


----------



## puffy137

Jacqui said:


> I had thought about cutting out just the unallowed comments, but instead just decided to clean out all the comments. Sadly this meant some good stuff was also removed. Depending on what other Mods feel and time, I may bring back some cleaned up posts.


Jacqui I know now why I love you , xxxxxxx


----------



## Yvonne G

I don't follow this thread, so I apologize to Jacqui for her having to do all the bad stuff. I totally agree with what she has removed from the thread, and in my opinion, the removed portion should be sent to the "to be deleted" file.

We must all try to be politically correct, even when trying to be funny. What's funny to one might hurt another's feelings.


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Cowboy_Ken said:


> Adam, I'm believe what we refer to as “ranch dressing " is referred to as “cool American " in many parts of the world. Does that help at all?


Not in the slightest. I am still completely in the dark. 
As usual.


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

I apologize unreservedly for any distress or offence my deleted material may have caused anyone. None was intended.
However, I hope it is not because of other people's threads being deleted and someone just complaining,' But this one's been allowed! It's not fair!!!'
That would be petty. 
However, so am I so here goes.


----------



## Gillian M

Jacqui said:


> If your not allowed to talk politics in one thread (such as chat) it does not mean to do so on the joke thread. No politics or religion allowed on any thread, in any form. Is that simple and clear enough?


 That makes sense: religion and politics are two very *sensitive* issues, and nationality could be a third one.


----------



## Jacqui

Gillian Moore said:


> That makes sense: religion and politics are two very *sensitive* issues, and nationality could be a third one.



Exactly! No matter how well intentioned the post starts out, it always end up being a war zone. So Josh, made that rule and we try to keep it strictly enforced.


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Jacqui said:


> If your not allowed to talk politics in one thread (such as chat) it does not mean to do so on the joke thread. No politics or religion allowed on any thread, in any form. Is that simple and clear enough?


No, it isn't.
Easter and Christmas, for example are directly religious terms that, for reasons I won't go into here, I find offensive.
The United States of America is a political term in itself as is the Peoples Republic of China etc.
A moderator's remarks in the thread 'Tortoise Guardianships Bangladesh' were political to some extent and I remarked on it yesterday morning on the thread. Please tell me why his last comment about the west is acceptable?
Where is the exact line drawn?
If a joke that was not political, but could be described as anti-American, in what I mistakenly thought was a humourous fashion, is removed, when disclaimers were provided, then i am rather saddened that anyone could take it seriously.
However, i am very sorry if anyone was _genuinely _offended by it and also sorry to the mods who had to deal with it. 
Tidgy is planning her joke for tonight so I will have words with her and tell her to be careful. But I wonder where that bar is?


----------



## Jacqui

Tidgy's Dad said:


> No, it isn't.
> Easter and Christmas, for example are directly religious terms that, for reasons I won't go into here, I find offensive.
> The United States of America is a political term in itself as is the Peoples Republic of China etc.
> A moderator's remarks in the thread 'Tortoise Guardianships Bangladesh' were political to some extent and I remarked on it yesterday morning on the thread. Please tell me why his last comment about the west is acceptable?
> Where is the exact line drawn?
> If a joke that was not political, but could be described as anti-American, in what I mistakenly thought was a humourous fashion, is removed, when disclaimers were provided, then i am rather saddened that anyone could take it seriously.
> However, i am very sorry if anyone was _genuinely _offended by it and also sorry to the mods who had to deal with it.
> Tidgy is planning her joke for tonight so I will have words with her and tell her to be careful. But I wonder where that bar is?



When you (or any member) find a post you find offensive or wonder about it's correctness, please PM a Mod (or all of us) or mark the post itself, so it is brought to our attention. With all the posts in here, though we try to do it, not all new posts can get read by us all the time or sometimes we just fail to really read what others such as yourself may be reading it as saying/implying.


----------



## Gillian M

Tidgy's Dad said:


> No, it isn't.
> Easter and Christmas, for example are directly religious terms that, for reasons I won't go into here, I find offensive.
> The United States of America is a political term in itself as is the Peoples Republic of China etc.
> A moderator's remarks in the thread 'Tortoise Guardianships Bangladesh' were political to some extent and I remarked on it yesterday morning on the thread. Please tell me why his last comment about the west is acceptable?
> Where is the exact line drawn?
> If a joke that was not political, but could be described as anti-American, in what I mistakenly thought was a humourous fashion, is removed, when disclaimers were provided, then i am rather saddened that anyone could take it seriously.
> However, i am very sorry if anyone was _genuinely _offended by it and also sorry to the mods who had to deal with it.
> Tidgy is planning her joke for tonight so I will have words with her and tell her to be careful. But I wonder where that bar is?


 Good evening Adam, hope you're all well, even after all the 'mess' that took place at the forum as far as jokes are concerned.

I do realize that you did not intend to hurt anyone, however there is something I'd like to draw your attention to: when 'chatting' online one does not know the other person, his/her personality, character, mentality, culture etc., and whether or not he/she may/*may* *not* *take* *a* *joke*. Know what I mean? Personally, I always use my *'brakes'* in such cases. There is a red light. On the other hand, when I know a person *well* and I am 100% sure he/she can take a joke then I say what on earth I want. Please don't take this personal, Adam.

Let us all be friends at the forum and not just people who own cute torts!


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Jacqui said:


> When you (or any member) find a post you find offensive or wonder about it's correctness, please PM a Mod (or all of us) or mark the post itself, so it is brought to our attention. With all the posts in here, though we try to do it, not all new posts can get read by us all the time or sometimes we just fail to really read what others such as yourself may be reading it as saying/implying.


Well that's rather the point, don't you see?
People are more than welcome to criticize me, insult me and be offended by the colour of my nose or every word I say. They can use, me abuse me and post anything they like. I would never ask for another member's post to be edited or deleted. I believe in freedom of speech (personally, not politically).
'The only thing worse than being talked about, is not being talked about' Oscar Wilde.
However, I do understand the rules, but where is that line? For my benefit. Please pm me which of the comments in my joke should be removed and which ones I can re-post, for I'm not clear.


----------



## Tom

This thread isn't funny anymore.

Can we go back to more jokes now?


----------



## Jacqui

Tom said:


> This thread isn't funny anymore.
> 
> Can we go back to more jokes now?



I agree! All non joke comments should be taken to PMs please. Further ones will be removed as off topic.


----------



## puffy137

jaizei said:


> Is there any other kind?


 
Watch it !!!


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

TIDGY'S THOUGHTS
Just some random tortoise musings tonight while daddy and I sulk.

It's hard to understand how our local cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember.....if the world didn't suck, we'd fall off.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

The 50-50-90 rule : Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humour.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Eat right, Stay fit. Die anyway. 

The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit drinking beer in his boat all day.

And wifey says : People who live in glass houses, shouldn't.
            
Please PM Tidgy with any complaints and she will duly ignore them.


----------



## Moozillion

I will be posting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that was me.


----------



## Moozillion

Commas are important, too:
Let's eat, Grandma.
Let's eat Grandma.


----------



## Abdulla6169

Moozillion said:


> Commas are important, too:
> Let's eat, Grandma.
> Let's eat Grandma.


Punctuation in general is powerful:

A woman, without her man, is worthless.

A woman: without her, man is worthless.


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Should be giraffe - spelling is also important.


----------



## Abdulla6169

Tidgy's Dad said:


> Should be woman - spelling is also important.


Shhhhhhh. No one noticed  (cause I fixed it).


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Me too, that'll confuse 'em.


----------



## Moozillion

Tidgy's Dad said:


> Should be giraffe - spelling is also important.


'A giraffe: without her, man is nothing.'  ??????????
Either I'm terribly confused or my meds need adjusting!!!!! 
(...or maybe I've just been reading postings from Tidgy's Dad!!! )


----------



## Abdulla6169

What happened to my post? Why is it not there?


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

AbdullaAli said:


> What happened to my post? Why is it not there?


The ones from a few days back?


----------



## Abdulla6169

Cowboy_Ken said:


> The ones from a few days back?


Uncle Jack one.


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

AbdullaAli said:


> Uncle Jack one.


I'm not sure I am aware what posts then you're referring to. I've got to run though.


----------



## tortdad

AbdullaAli said:


> Uncle Jack one.


It was probably deemed not family safe. I liked it


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

tortdad said:


> It was probably deemed not family safe. I liked it


I have a family safe.
I might let them out one day.


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

FURTHER MUSINGS FROM A PECULIAR PLACE
by Tidgy the Tortoise- Columnist

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark

When you're swimming in the creek and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wish the buck stopped here, I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

When you go into court you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

And from wifey:
'What's that you're smoking?'
'That's my business!'
'Oh, yeah? Howdy'a dry it?'


----------



## Gillian M

Moozillion said:


> I will be posting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that was me.


 Great! I can't wait to read your posts.


----------



## Gillian M

Tidgy's Dad said:


> Me too, that'll confuse 'em.


 Good morning Adam.

You bet it will!


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

TORTOISE FORUM - WOMEN'S PAGE
by Wifey

Why do little boys whine?
Because they're practicing to be men.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
or
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What does it mean if your man is in bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Why do female spiders kill their mates after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to choose only one.

What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch.

Why do men whistle while they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end to wipe.

Disclaimer: This was nothing at all to do with Adam or Tidgy, this was entirely the work of Wifey.
Honest.


----------



## Moozillion

Tidgy's Dad said:


> TORTOISE FORUM - WOMEN'S PAGE
> by Wifey
> 
> Why do little boys whine?
> Because they're practicing to be men.
> 
> How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
> or
> How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
> 
> What do you call a handcuffed man?
> Trustworthy.
> 
> What does it mean if your man is in bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
> You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
> 
> Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
> Because not one will stop and ask directions.
> 
> Why do female spiders kill their mates after mating?
> To stop the snoring before it starts.
> 
> What's the best way to kill a man?
> Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to choose only one.
> 
> What do men and pantyhose have in common?
> They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch.
> 
> Why do men whistle while they're sitting on the toilet?
> Because it helps them remember which end to wipe.
> 
> Disclaimer: This was nothing at all to do with Adam or Tidgy, this was entirely the work of Wifey.
> Honest.


LOVE IT!!!


----------



## Gillian M

Cowboy_Ken said:


> A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."


 Very bright of her! (Sorry blondes).


----------



## Gillian M

Tidgy's Dad said:


> TIDGY'S THOUGHTS
> Just some random tortoise musings tonight while daddy and I sulk.
> 
> It's hard to understand how our local cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
> 
> Just remember.....if the world didn't suck, we'd fall off.
> 
> We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
> 
> The 50-50-90 rule : Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
> 
> It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
> 
> Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humour.
> 
> You can't have everything, where would you put it?
> 
> The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
> 
> If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
> 
> Eat right, Stay fit. Die anyway.
> 
> The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
> 
> Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
> Teach a man to fish and he will sit drinking beer in his boat all day.
> 
> And wifey says : People who live in glass houses, shouldn't.
> 
> Please PM Tidgy with any complaints and she will duly ignore them.


 That really made me laugh out loud! Great!


----------



## Gillian M

Why can't a bike stand on its wheels?

'Cos it's two-tyred!


----------



## puffy137

WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN!
'Take a break honey you are working too hard' ,MEANS ,' I can't hear the TV over the hoover. '

'I don't believe in material possessions' MEANS' I'm poor' .

'Whats wrong ?' MEANS ' What meaningless self- inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now !'

'I've been thinking a lot ' ,MEANS ,' Your're not as attractive as when I was drunk !'

'I can't find it,' MEANS' It didn't fall into my outstretched hands !'

'I do help around the house ' MEANS ' I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket' 

'Do you love me ' MEANS ' I've done something really stupid & you may find out !'


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

puffy137 said:


> WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN!
> 'Take a break honey you are working too hard' ,MEANS ,' I can't hear the TV over the hoover. '
> 
> 'I don't believe in material possessions' MEANS' I'm poor' .
> 
> 'Whats wrong ?' MEANS ' What meaningless self- inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now !'
> 
> 'I've been thinking a lot ' ,MEANS ,' Your're not as attractive as when I was drunk !'
> 
> 'I can't find it,' MEANS' It didn't fall into my outstretched hands !'
> 
> 'I do help around the house ' MEANS ' I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket'
> 
> 'Do you love me ' MEANS ' I've done something really stupid & you may find out !'


All truisms. Very funny.


----------



## Gillian M

puffy137 said:


> WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN!
> 'Take a break honey you are working too hard' ,MEANS ,' I can't hear the TV over the hoover. '
> 
> 'I don't believe in material possessions' MEANS' I'm poor' .
> 
> 'Whats wrong ?' MEANS ' What meaningless self- inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now !'
> 
> 'I've been thinking a lot ' ,MEANS ,' Your're not as attractive as when I was drunk !'
> 
> 'I can't find it,' MEANS' It didn't fall into my outstretched hands !'
> 
> 'I do help around the house ' MEANS ' I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket'
> 
> 'Do you love me ' MEANS ' I've done something really stupid & you may find out !'


 A very nice one, but at the same time it's all so very true!


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

TORTOISE FORUM - WOMAN'S PAGE 2
by Wifey

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

How does a man keep his youth?
By giving her money, furs (fake of course) and diamonds.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mails?
Rename the folder to 'Instruction Manuals.'

What should you do if you see your man rolling around in pain on the ground?
Shoot him again.

How do you tell when your man is well-hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between the neck and the noose.

Things to say:

Well this day was a total waste of makeup.

Errors have been made.
Men will be blamed.

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be.....?

Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

You say I'm a b***h like it's a bad thing.

Nice perfume.
Must you marinate in it?

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

_Nothing whatsoever to do with Adam and Tidgy.
Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.
Until then, here is some music.........
bong , bing, bong, bing, dum dee doo............._


----------



## puffy137

They say we all came from a monkey , 
But I say that theory is bunky, 
Cos anyone knows who
Talk to Creationist pros 
That some people are closer to donkey !


----------



## puffy137

A voice from the UFO cried 
'To the smartest we'll give a free ride.'
Several men volunteered, 
But the ship disappeared .
With a whale & 2 dolphins inside !


----------



## puffy137

Waste fridges & spray cans leak masses, 
Of chlorofluorocarbon gases.
CFC accretion 
Mean ozone depletion
So please wear absorbent sun glasses!


----------



## puffy137

There was a young lady , tut tut....
So you think you are in for some smut ,
Some 5 lined crescendo 
Of lewd innuendo 
Well you're wrong ,this is anything but!


----------



## Gillian M

puffy137 said:


> They say we all came from a monkey ,
> But I say that theory is bunky,
> Cos anyone knows who
> Talk to Creationist pros
> That some people are closer to donkey !


 The donkey could even be wiser than some people, I can assure.


----------



## Moozillion

Tidgy's Dad said:


> TORTOISE FORUM - WOMAN'S PAGE 2
> by Wifey
> 
> What is the difference between men and women?
> A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
> A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
> 
> How does a man keep his youth?
> By giving her money, furs (fake of course) and diamonds.
> 
> How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mails?
> Rename the folder to 'Instruction Manuals.'
> 
> What should you do if you see your man rolling around in pain on the ground?
> Shoot him again.
> 
> How do you tell when your man is well-hung?
> When you can just barely slip your finger in between the neck and the noose.
> 
> Things to say:
> 
> Well this day was a total waste of makeup.
> 
> Errors have been made.
> Men will be blamed.
> 
> And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be.....?
> 
> Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
> 
> I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
> 
> How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
> 
> You say I'm a b***h like it's a bad thing.
> 
> Nice perfume.
> Must you marinate in it?
> 
> How do I set a laser printer to stun?
> 
> _Nothing whatsoever to do with Adam and Tidgy.
> Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.
> Until then, here is some music.........
> bong , bing, bong, bing, dum dee doo............._


LOVE THIS!!!


----------



## Moozillion

puffy137 said:


> A voice from the UFO cried
> 'To the smartest we'll give a free ride.'
> Several men volunteered,
> But the ship disappeared .
> With a whale & 2 dolphins inside !


FANTASTIC!!!


----------



## Moozillion

puffy137 said:


> There was a young lady , tut tut....
> So you think you are in for some smut ,
> Some 5 lined crescendo
> Of lewd innuendo
> Well you're wrong ,this is anything but!


Hahahaha!!!! GREAT STUFF!!!


----------



## AZtortMom

WELL DONE!! I was laughing like an idiot at CVS reading all of these jokes Puffy!!  *wiping eyes*


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

TORTOISE FORUM COMEDY REVIEW
by McTidgy's friend MacTidgy at The Edinburgh Festival 2012. (slightly faster getting back)

I was raised as an only child which really upset my sister

You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase.

I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know y.

I just took part in the sun-tanning olympics.
I got bronze.

Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's just because i'm concentrating.

I saw a documentary on how ships are held together.
Riveting.

I had to wait an hour for my starter, so I complained, 'it's not rocket salad.'

My mum's so pessimistic that if there were an olympics for pessimism, she wouldn't fancy her chances.

_We are still waiting on cousin Angus to return with the 2013 best jokes, last heard of approaching Nottingham._


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

TORTOISE FORUM CAR INSURANCE
by our insurance expert Tidgy the Tortoise.

The following are genuine statements from insurance forms:

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telegraph pole."

" The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him."

"Coming home, I turned into the wrong drive and collided with a tree I don't have."

and I saw a sign in a van the other day reading, "If courteously driven, please report stolen."


----------



## leigti

The last one was the best.


----------



## tortdad

Tidgy's Dad said:


> "In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telegraph pole."



Let me tell you a story about my son who's about to turn 21. When he was in elementary school he was deathly afraid of bees. He was on the play ground at school when one just randomly flew past him, he started running around screaming like a maniac. He wasn't watching where he was going and was looking down while running and ran full speed into a metal post. He split his head wide open and I have to get four staples in his head. I told him next time just just let the bee sting you, it hurts a lot less.


----------



## puffy137

I love the story true I think , about the drunk that got into the back seat of his car & phoned the cops to tell them someone had stolen the steering wheel! /


----------



## puffy137

There once was a pious young priest.
Who lived almost wholly on yeast.
He said ' For its plain,
We must all rise again, 
And I want to get started at least.


----------



## puffy137

There was a young girl in the choir,
Whose voice went up higher & higher,
Till one Sunday night 
It vanished from sight 
And turned up next day in the spire.


----------



## puffy137

A widow whose singular vice ,
Was to keep her late husband on ice,
Said 'It's been hard since I lost him 
I'll never defrost him ,
Cold comfort but cheap at the price !


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

TORTOISE FORUM MEDICINE
BY Dr Tidgy

A genuine courtroom transcript:

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the post mortem did you feel for a pulse?
Doctor : _No_
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Doctor : _No_
Attorney: So, is it possible that the patient was still alive?
Doctor ; _No_
Attorney : How can you be so sure?
Doctor : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.


----------



## puffy137

phew thank goodness , i was thinking they hadn't passed muster & that the powers that be had deleted them . I'm addicted to limericks . 
Oh & did you hear of the woman in court who was asked what gear she was in when the accident occurred & she replied .' My Gucci Sweats & my Nikes'


----------



## puffy137

Well I'd better get going , what better way to start the day than with the lovely peeps on TFO. See you later.


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

There was a big hairy old yeti,
Whose favourite food was spaghetti
He minced it all day,
'Cos he liked it that way,
But his friends said it looked like spaghetti.

And I have two very rude ones that I better not post until I'm drunk.
Which is not often.
Honest.


----------



## leigti

Tidgy's Dad said:


> There was a big hairy old yeti,
> Whose favourite food was spaghetti
> He minced it all day,
> 'Cos he liked it that way,
> But his friends said it looked like spaghetti.
> 
> And I have two very rude ones that I better not post until I'm drunk.
> Which is not often.
> Honest.


Did you mean confetti?


----------



## Momof4

Tidgy's Dad said:


> TORTOISE FORUM CAR INSURANCE
> by our insurance expert Tidgy the Tortoise.
> 
> The following are genuine statements from insurance forms:
> 
> "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
> 
> "In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telegraph pole."
> 
> " The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him."
> 
> "Coming home, I turned into the wrong drive and collided with a tree I don't have."
> 
> and I saw a sign in a van the other day reading, "If courteously driven, please report stolen."



Too funny!! You need to write a book!!


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

leigti said:


> Did you mean confetti?


Yes, have mercy on me!!!!!
It's 6.20am here and I'm starting to sag.
Must get some kip.


----------



## Moozillion

puffy137 said:


> There once was a pious young priest.
> Who lived almost wholly on yeast.
> He said ' For its plain,
> We must all rise again,
> And I want to get started at least.


lovLoveLOVE your wonderful, witty and CLEAN Limericks!!!


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

TORTOISE FORUM POETRY CORNER
by Tidgy the Tortoise

There was a young tort,
Who one morning thought,
"I think I will fly to the sun."
So with two great palms.
Strapped on her front arms,
She started her take-off run.

Mile after mile,
She trundled in style,
But never once left the ground
"You're going too slow,"
Said a passing by crow,
"Try reaching the speed of sound!"

So she put on a spurt,
By gosh, how it hurt,
The soles of her feet caught fire.
There were great clouds of steam,
As she raced through a stream,
But she still didn't get any higher.

As she ran on through the night,
Both her knees caught alight,
And smoke bellowed out from her rear.
But quick to her aid,
Came the fire brigade.
Who trailed her for over a year.

Years went by,
Did young tort ever fly?
Did she ever reach the sun?
Well, I've just heard today,
That she's well on her way,
She'll be passing through Tampa at one.


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

I have just invented a new word.
Plagiarism.


----------



## puffy137

Tidgy's Dad said:


> I have just invented a new word.
> Plagiarism.


Well if you didn't write it , hats off to the person who did , delish ! thanks


----------



## Abdulla6169

If this violates forum rules you can delete it: 
My friend sent me this:


And the sheikh from the Arabian Gulf said: "Let there be an oil refinery". And there was an oil refinery. And the oil refinery was good.


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

puffy137 said:


> Well if you didn't write it , hats off to the person who did , delish ! thanks


Spike Milligan, though I've taken a couple of liberties with it.


----------



## Abdulla6169

The wise Bedouin spells out beautiful and ancient words on the sand dunes. In English :/.


----------



## tortdad

AbdullaAli said:


> View attachment 126338
> 
> The wise Bedouin spells out beautiful and ancient words on the sand dunes. In English :/.


That picture looks like it has one of those fake back drops to it, like the ones you use on picture day at school.


----------



## Yvonne G

I think you're right - different kind of sand on the other side of that straight line - unless that's a bit of a hill going down.


----------



## Yvonne G

Wadi and rum? or is that the joke and I'm missing it?


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

wadi is the Arabic for dry valley.
Wadi Rum is a desert area in Jordan.
The picture is authentic, I think, with a drop off as Yvonne suggested.
He's writing in English as this is a tourism promotional shot.


----------



## Abdulla6169

Originally, I thought the Bedouin was imagining a land far far away, where alcohol flows through the valleys, and into the dry deserts. Guess I was wrong .


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

AbdullaAli said:


> Originally, I thought the Bedouin was imagining a land far far away, where alcohol flows through the valleys, and into the dry deserts. Guess I was wrong .


Didn't say that wasn't what he was thinking!
You could well be right.


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

TORTOISE LIBERATION FRONT
by X's Dad.
(Anonymity must be protected.)

Dear Comrade Puxxy (name may have been altered),

Your letter reached us last Thursday - thanks for volunteering to do your bit in Operation 'SulcataSnatch'.With your kind help the final phase of the plan has fallen into place, and we can now schedule the raid for next Friday, weather permitting. Your marvelous gesture in offering a safe house over the weekend for the 40 pathetic little 100 lb+ sulcatas we shall be liberating has made it all possible.

You can expect us to arrive at your place around 3.00 am on Saturday morning, traffic permitting, but we can't be sure. Mooxixxion (name changed for security reasons), who will be driving the minibus, says she'll be using the side roads all the way from the 'Dry, No Humidity Guaranteed Sulcata Experimental Lab', to avoid any police roadblocks. Anyway, on arrival we'll hoot "La Cucaracha" three times. Flash the front room lights on and off three times and we'll start bringing the first sackload in. After that, you're on your own until 3.00 am Monday when we'll collect them In Xdulla"s (yeah, you got it) disguised Ice Cream van. Don't forget to bundle them up in the sacks again, because time will be of the essence. Subsequently, as you know, we'll be letting them loose at strategic points along the Inter-State to do their own thing.

A few words on their condition. Those naughty chaps at the Institute have been shooting them up with a recently developed 'muscle accelerator', to increase their speed, so although the poor little things can't help themselves, they're going to be very sick for a while. Don't worry though, a good industrial strength cleaner will remove tortoise vomit and diarrhoea from most household artifacts. However, do try to keep them away from the wallpaper.
Point two: In the withdrawal stage, the toxin might cause a mild form of epilepsy. If any sulcata does go into delayed toxic shock, place your fingers firmly in its mouth to avoid it swallowing its tongue.

Don't forget, sulcatas are Vegetarians in their natural, unalienated state, so it's a lot of good healthy grass and broad leafed plants for them if their stomachs are up to it.
But, most important of all, don't forget to keep them occupied. Remember, a Bored Sulcata is a Dangerous Sulcata. Let them watch TV or play with a football. Also sulcatas are fascinated by running water and will watch a bath run for hours, so don't deny them this pleasure.

I'm sure you'll soon get the hang of it.

Thanks again,
xxxxxxxx
P.S. Don't forget to burn this letter.
P.P.S. We'll be in touch again shortly regarding the Aldabrans.


----------



## puffy137

tortdad said:


> That picture looks like it has one of those fake back drops to it, like the ones you use on picture day at school.


No he's sitting in Wadi Rum . its in Jordan!


----------



## puffy137

Tidgy's Dad said:


> TORTOISE LIBERATION FRONT
> by X's Dad.
> (Anonymity must be protected.)
> 
> Dear Comrade Puxxy (name may have been altered),
> 
> Your letter reached us last Thursday - thanks for volunteering to do your bit in Operation 'SulcataSnatch'.With your kind help the final phase of the plan has fallen into place, and we can now schedule the raid for next Friday, weather permitting. Your marvelous gesture in offering a safe house over the weekend for the 40 pathetic little 100 lb+ sulcatas we shall be liberating has made it all possible.
> 
> You can expect us to arrive at your place around 3.00 am on Saturday morning, traffic permitting, but we can't be sure. Mooxixxion (name changed for security reasons), who will be driving the minibus, says she'll be using the side roads all the way from the 'Dry, No Humidity Guaranteed Sulcata Experimental Lab', to avoid any police roadblocks. Anyway, on arrival we'll hoot "La Cucaracha" three times. Flash the front room lights on and off three times and we'll start bringing the first sackload in. After that, you're on your own until 3.00 am Monday when we'll collect them In Xdulla"s (yeah, you got it) disguised Ice Cream van. Don't forget to bundle them up in the sacks again, because time will be of the essence. Subsequently, as you know, we'll be letting them loose at strategic points along the Inter-State to do their own thing.
> 
> A few words on their condition. Those naughty chaps at the Institute have been shooting them up with a recently developed 'muscle accelerator', to increase their speed, so although the poor little things can't help themselves, they're going to be very sick for a while. Don't worry though, a good industrial strength cleaner will remove tortoise vomit and diarrhoea from most household artifacts. However, do try to keep them away from the wallpaper.
> Point two: In the withdrawal stage, the toxin might cause a mild form of epilepsy. If any sulcata does go into delayed toxic shock, place your fingers firmly in its mouth to avoid it swallowing its tongue.
> 
> Don't forget, sulcatas are Vegetarians in their natural, unalienated state, so it's a lot of good healthy grass and broad leafed plants for them if their stomachs are up to it.
> But, most important of all, don't forget to keep them occupied. Remember, a Bored Sulcata is a Dangerous Sulcata. Let them watch TV or play with a football. Also sulcatas are fascinated by running water and will watch a bath run for hours, so don't deny them this pleasure.
> 
> I'm sure you'll soon get the hang of it.
> 
> Thanks again,
> xxxxxxxx
> P.S. Don't forget to burn this letter.
> P.P.S. We'll be in touch again shortly regarding the Aldabrans.


Hahahahah, will be hooting La Cucaracha all day long now , lol


----------



## Moozillion

Tidgy's Dad said:


> TORTOISE LIBERATION FRONT
> by X's Dad.
> (Anonymity must be protected.)
> 
> Dear Comrade Puxxy (name may have been altered),
> 
> Your letter reached us last Thursday - thanks for volunteering to do your bit in Operation 'SulcataSnatch'.With your kind help the final phase of the plan has fallen into place, and we can now schedule the raid for next Friday, weather permitting. Your marvelous gesture in offering a safe house over the weekend for the 40 pathetic little 100 lb+ sulcatas we shall be liberating has made it all possible.
> 
> You can expect us to arrive at your place around 3.00 am on Saturday morning, traffic permitting, but we can't be sure. Mooxixxion (name changed for security reasons), who will be driving the minibus, says she'll be using the side roads all the way from the 'Dry, No Humidity Guaranteed Sulcata Experimental Lab', to avoid any police roadblocks. Anyway, on arrival we'll hoot "La Cucaracha" three times. Flash the front room lights on and off three times and we'll start bringing the first sackload in. After that, you're on your own until 3.00 am Monday when we'll collect them In Xdulla"s (yeah, you got it) disguised Ice Cream van. Don't forget to bundle them up in the sacks again, because time will be of the essence. Subsequently, as you know, we'll be letting them loose at strategic points along the Inter-State to do their own thing.
> 
> A few words on their condition. Those naughty chaps at the Institute have been shooting them up with a recently developed 'muscle accelerator', to increase their speed, so although the poor little things can't help themselves, they're going to be very sick for a while. Don't worry though, a good industrial strength cleaner will remove tortoise vomit and diarrhoea from most household artifacts. However, do try to keep them away from the wallpaper.
> Point two: In the withdrawal stage, the toxin might cause a mild form of epilepsy. If any sulcata does go into delayed toxic shock, place your fingers firmly in its mouth to avoid it swallowing its tongue.
> 
> Don't forget, sulcatas are Vegetarians in their natural, unalienated state, so it's a lot of good healthy grass and broad leafed plants for them if their stomachs are up to it.
> But, most important of all, don't forget to keep them occupied. Remember, a Bored Sulcata is a Dangerous Sulcata. Let them watch TV or play with a football. Also sulcatas are fascinated by running water and will watch a bath run for hours, so don't deny them this pleasure.
> 
> I'm sure you'll soon get the hang of it.
> 
> Thanks again,
> xxxxxxxx
> P.S. Don't forget to burn this letter.
> P.P.S. We'll be in touch again shortly regarding the Aldabrans.


Hahahaha!!! HOW do you come up with all your wonderful silliness??!?!


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

I am quite naturally extremely silly.
It's a talent I have.


----------



## puffy137

Be alert ! The World Needs More Lerts !


----------



## puffy137

Why do ducks have webbed feet ? To stamp out fires ! 
Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks!

What do you say to a man with 2 black eyes ! 
Nothing ! He's been told twice already!

Animal testing is a bad idea, they get all nervous & give the wrong answer!

Wear short sleeves ! Support your right to bare arms !

Doctor examining a woman .'You have acute angina.'
Woman batting eyelids, 'Why thank you , Doctor!'

Doctor 'Have your eyes been checked ?'
Patient 'No they've always been blue.'

'Doctor ,Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a clock '
'OK , relax . There's no need to get yourself wound up!'

The cure for sea -sickness is to sit under a tree,


----------



## Gillian M

Tidgy's Dad said:


> TORTOISE FORUM CAR INSURANCE
> by our insurance expert Tidgy the Tortoise.
> 
> The following are genuine statements from insurance forms:
> 
> "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
> 
> "In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telegraph pole."
> 
> " The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him."
> 
> "Coming home, I turned into the wrong drive and collided with a tree I don't have."
> 
> and I saw a sign in a van the other day reading, "If courteously driven, please report stolen."


 Loved reading that!


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

THE FREEZING TORTOISE
A moral tale by Tidgy the Tortoise.

One bitterly cold winter, a little tortoise had escaped from it's enclosure after waking prematurely from brumation and had now spent three nights out with only the scant shelter of a tree. She decided that she could not survive a fourth night so she left the tree to find a better place to warm up. As she slowly trundled along she got colder and colder until her little legs froze solid and she slumped to the ground.
As she lay there freezing, she realized that the end of her life was nigh, she prayed for death to come quickly,when suddenly, in her semi-conscious state, she had the feeling of being enveloped in a warm, soft, steamy odorous covering.
She regained consciousness and found a cow had made a luxurious deposit all over her. 
The new lease of life and the supreme warmth made her very happy and she wiggled and stretched in joy. 
A passing possum sensed the movement, located the heap and carefully removed the excrement revealing the little tortoise which it promptly devoured.

There are three morals to this story.

1) If someone poohs on you, he's not necessarily your enemy.

2) If someone gets you out of the pooh, he's not necessarily your friend.

3) If you're in the pooh and happy, just lie there still.


----------



## leigti

That's terrible! Sad :-(


----------



## puffy137

Reminds me of a quote from Oscar Wilde' One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell without laughing '
Hahaha , keep up the good work. lol


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

puffy137 said:


> Reminds me of a quote from Oscar Wilde' One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell without laughing '
> Hahaha , keep up the good work. lol


Yeah, I love Wilde, some of the best one liners ever.
' I have nothing to declare except my genius.'


----------



## Gillian M

Momof4 said:


> Too funny!! You need to write a book!!


A لخخي هيثش


puffy137 said:


> Reminds me of a quote from Oscar Wilde' One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell without laughing '
> Hahaha , keep up the good work. lol


 
Definitely good work, Adam's isn't it?


----------



## Gillian M

Tidgy's Dad said:


> THE FREEZING TORTOISE
> A moral tale by Tidgy the Tortoise.
> 
> One bitterly cold winter, a little tortoise had escaped from it's enclosure after waking prematurely from brumation and had now spent three nights out with only the scant shelter of a tree. She decided that she could not survive a fourth night so she left the tree to find a better place to warm up. As she slowly trundled along she got colder and colder until her little legs froze solid and she slumped to the ground.
> As she lay there freezing, she realized that the end of her life was nigh, she prayed for death to come quickly,when suddenly, in her semi-conscious state, she had the feeling of being enveloped in a warm, soft, steamy odorous covering.
> She regained consciousness and found a cow had made a luxurious deposit all over her.
> The new lease of life and the supreme warmth made her very happy and she wiggled and stretched in joy.
> A passing possum sensed the movement, located the heap and carefully removed the excrement revealing the little tortoise which it promptly devoured.
> 
> There are three morals to this story.
> 
> 1) If someone poohs on you, he's not necessarily your enemy.
> 
> 2) If someone gets you out of the pooh, he's not necessarily your friend.
> 
> 3) If you're in the pooh and happy, just lie there still.


 A story full of meaning let alone that moral.


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

TORTOISE FORUM GLOSSARY A to C
by Tidgy the Tortoise

Aquatic - _adj.- _a parasite that lives in a pond.

Anoxia - _noun. - _archaic word. Modern equivalent is acowia.

Bask - verb - to ask silently.
Bask - noun - tortoise undergarment.

Beak - noun - a judge of tortoises.

Body Temperature - comp n - annoyingly the same as room temperature.

Brumation - n - tortoise version of hibernation. So called because of the faint _brum, brum, brum _sound they make whilst asleep.

Carapace - _n - _the really hard and ever so smooth bit( if your humidity is perfect) on top of your tortoise, so called because when it wishes the tortoise disappears into it, or out of sight with it, at the _pace_ of_ a car.
_
Chelonian - n - misspelling of the word Shellonian

Cloaca - n- together with daggera describes sneaky tortoises.

Clutch - small bag used by torts to keep their eggs in.

Coprophagous - really nasty habit that Tidgy wouldn't countenance. 

Costal - area by the sea where some turtles hang out.

Cutaneous - adj. - What a male tortoise says when it sees a females behind.


----------



## puffy137

Tidgy's Dad said:


> TORTOISE FORUM GLOSSARY A to C
> by Tidgy the Tortoise
> 
> Aquatic - _adj.- _a parasite that lives in a pond.
> 
> Anoxia - _noun. - _archaic word. Modern equivalent is acowia.
> 
> Bask - verb - to ask silently.
> Bask - noun - tortoise undergarment.
> 
> Beak - noun - a judge of tortoises.
> 
> Body Temperature - comp n - annoyingly the same as room temperature.
> 
> Brumation - n - tortoise version of hibernation. So called because of the faint _brum, brum, brum _sound they make whilst asleep.
> 
> Carapace - _n - _the really hard and ever so smooth bit( if your humidity is perfect) on top of your tortoise, so called because when it wishes the tortoise disappears into it, or out of sight with it, at the _pace_ of_ a car.
> _
> Chelonian - n - misspelling of the word Shellonian
> 
> Cloaca - n- together with daggera describes sneaky tortoises.
> 
> Clutch - small bag used by torts to keep their eggs in.
> 
> Coprophagous - really nasty habit that Tidgy wouldn't countenance.
> 
> Costal - area by the sea where some turtles hang out.
> 
> Cutaneous - adj. - What a male tortoise says when it sees a females behind.


Hahahah Brilliant! Are you sure you're not A.A.Gill or a brother of Jeremy Clarkson ?


----------



## Gillian M

Tidgy's Dad said:


> TORTOISE FORUM GLOSSARY A to C
> by Tidgy the Tortoise
> 
> Aquatic - _adj.- _a parasite that lives in a pond.
> 
> Anoxia - _noun. - _archaic word. Modern equivalent is acowia.
> 
> Bask - verb - to ask silently.
> Bask - noun - tortoise undergarment.
> 
> Beak - noun - a judge of tortoises.
> 
> Body Temperature - comp n - annoyingly the same as room temperature.
> 
> Brumation - n - tortoise version of hibernation. So called because of the faint _brum, brum, brum _sound they make whilst asleep.
> 
> Carapace - _n - _the really hard and ever so smooth bit( if your humidity is perfect) on top of your tortoise, so called because when it wishes the tortoise disappears into it, or out of sight with it, at the _pace_ of_ a car.
> _
> Chelonian - n - misspelling of the word Shellonian
> 
> Cloaca - n- together with daggera describes sneaky tortoises.
> 
> Clutch - small bag used by torts to keep their eggs in.
> 
> Coprophagous - really nasty habit that Tidgy wouldn't countenance.
> 
> Costal - area by the sea where some turtles hang out.
> 
> Cutaneous - adj. - What a male tortoise says when it sees a females behind.


 Good afternoon Adam. I'm not going to praise you this time!


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

puffy137 said:


> Hahahah Brilliant! Are you sure you're not A.A.Gill or a brother of Jeremy Clarkson ?


I would happily aspire to be either of those.
A great compliment to be compared to them.


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

Subject: Smarter of the Species?

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog told her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
three wishes.
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish
for, your husband will get it ten times!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the
world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also
make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis
whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! 
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the
world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine "
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack!"
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them!
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you.
Stop here and continue feeling good!
Male readers; continue to read.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart! Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show!
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show
that women never listen either!


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Cowboy_Ken said:


> Subject: Smarter of the Species?
> 
> A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
> She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
> The frog told her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
> three wishes.
> The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
> to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish
> for, your husband will get it ten times!"
> The woman said, "That's okay."
> For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the
> world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also
> make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis
> whom women will flock to".
> The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
> woman and he will have eyes only for me."
> So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
> For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
> The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the
> world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
> The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine "
> So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
> The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack!"
> Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them!
> Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you.
> Stop here and continue feeling good!
> Male readers; continue to read.
> The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!
> Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really
> smart! Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show!
> PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show
> that women never listen either!


Very good.
Is this a true story?


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

Tidgy's Dad said:


> Is this a true story?


We'll have to see who reads it in its end.


----------



## Moozillion

Tidgy's Dad said:


> TORTOISE FORUM GLOSSARY A to C
> by Tidgy the Tortoise
> 
> Aquatic - _adj.- _a parasite that lives in a pond.
> 
> Anoxia - _noun. - _archaic word. Modern equivalent is acowia.
> 
> Bask - verb - to ask silently.
> Bask - noun - tortoise undergarment.
> 
> Beak - noun - a judge of tortoises.
> 
> Body Temperature - comp n - annoyingly the same as room temperature.
> 
> Brumation - n - tortoise version of hibernation. So called because of the faint _brum, brum, brum _sound they make whilst asleep.
> 
> Carapace - _n - _the really hard and ever so smooth bit( if your humidity is perfect) on top of your tortoise, so called because when it wishes the tortoise disappears into it, or out of sight with it, at the _pace_ of_ a car.
> _
> Chelonian - n - misspelling of the word Shellonian
> 
> Cloaca - n- together with daggera describes sneaky tortoises.
> 
> Clutch - small bag used by torts to keep their eggs in.
> 
> Coprophagous - really nasty habit that Tidgy wouldn't countenance.
> 
> Costal - area by the sea where some turtles hang out.
> 
> Cutaneous - adj. - What a male tortoise says when it sees a females behind.


LOVE THESE!!!! (especially the "cloaca!!!")


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

@puffy137
Did you read the full joke I posted, or did you stop where it suggests women should stop reading?


----------



## Moozillion

Cowboy_Ken said:


> @puffy137
> Did you read the full joke I posted, or did you stop where it suggests women should stop reading?


Oh, puffy read ON, I expect!!!! No shrinking violet, she!!! 
(...I read on, for SURE!!!! )


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

Moozillion said:


> Oh, puffy read ON, I expect!!!! No shrinking violet, she!!!
> (...I read on, for SURE!!!! )


Well I knew YOU did, which is why I didn't call you out …


----------



## Abdulla6169

Americans go on blind dates...
.
.
.
.
.
Arabs go on blind marriages 
JK...


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

AbdullaAli said:


> Americans go on blind dates...
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> Arabs go on blind marriages
> JK...


And that's true at times…right?


----------



## Abdulla6169

Cowboy_Ken said:


> And that's true at times…right?


That's basically an arranged marriage... Kinda the reality in many places (Mid East, parts of the Arab world, India, etc). Not very different from 'normal' marriages. From what I've seen, when it starts its kinda awkward, but they grow to love each other like any other couple.


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

AbdullaAli said:


> they grow to love each other like any other couple.


Were that only the case…
Hey, I've got to be in bed. 6-1/2 hrs of restless sleep awaits me. Be well.


----------



## Abdulla6169

Cowboy_Ken said:


> Were that only the case…
> Hey, I've got to be in bed. 6-1/2 hrs of restless sleep awaits me. Be well.


Good night.


----------



## mike taylor

What happens when one person isn't happy in a arranged marriages ? Can the wife or husband divorce ?


----------



## Abdulla6169

mike taylor said:


> What happens when one person isn't happy in a arranged marriages ? Can the wife or husband divorce ?


Yeah. Usually, they work things out or get a divorce. It's just like a normal marriage guys. Except the marriage is arranged by a 3rd party.


----------



## mike taylor

Cool ,If I need a new wife one day you can arrange one for me . hahahaha


----------



## Moozillion

AbdullaAli said:


> Yeah. Usually, they work things out or get a divorce. It's just like a normal marriage guys. Except the marriage is arranged by a 3rd party.


But aren't people also allowed to choose a spouse on their own sometimes?


----------



## Moozillion

AbdullaAli said:


> Yeah. Usually, they work things out or get a divorce. It's just like a normal marriage guys. Except the marriage is arranged by a 3rd party.


I once worked with 2 women who were from India. One was a "modern" woman from Delhi who met and chose her husband freely. The other woman was from a more traditional part of Southern India, and her marriage had been arranged. The woman with the arranged marriage actually seemed happier with her partner than the woman who dated and chose her hubby. 
I chose my first husband, and that marriage did not last. So I guess you never know! (I am deliriously happy with my second husband...or maybe I'm just delirious!!!  )


----------



## Gillian M

AbdullaAli said:


> Americans go on blind dates...
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> Arabs go on blind marriages
> JK...


 So very true-not a joke.


----------



## Gillian M

Gillian Moore said:


> So very true-not a joke.





AbdullaAli said:


> That's basically an arranged marriage... Kinda the reality in many places (Mid East, parts of the Arab world, India, etc). Not very different from 'normal' marriages. From what I've seen, when it starts its kinda awkward, but they grow to love each other like any other couple.


 With all my respect, I cannot imagine how a man and a woman can grow to love-not like/understand one another when they do not know each other from the BEGINNING of the relationship. (No offence) and don't forget what it's called: an *ARRANGED* *MARRIAGE!*


----------



## Gillian M

Moozillion said:


> I once worked with 2 women who were from India. One was a "modern" woman from Delhi who met and chose her husband freely. The other woman was from a more traditional part of Southern India, and her marriage had been arranged. The woman with the arranged marriage actually seemed happier with her partner than the woman who dated and chose her hubby.
> I chose my first husband, and that marriage did not last. So I guess you never know! (I am deliriously happy with my second husband...or maybe I'm just delirious!!!  )


 This may have happened, but such marriages are probably one in a million, particularly in the Middle East, as well as India, Pakistan, etc. And if she claimed to be happy, this does not mean she's being honest. She may have had to say it, you never know.


----------



## Gillian M

AbdullaAli said:


> Yeah. Usually, they work things out or get a divorce. It's just like a normal marriage guys. Except the marriage is arranged by a 3rd party.


 Isn't it a bit ore complicated than a normal marriage? OK, they get married, they can get divorced, but I heard that things are tougher than just that. Is this true in your opinion?


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Arranged marriages have about the same success / failure rate as romantic ones. (not talking just divorce here as many cultures or religions don't permit it, or consider it shameful, or the wife has no where to go.)
People who marry for money have a higher success rate than either. 
Marriage is always complicated, in my opinion, and people change through life. Some couples grow together, some grow apart. It's hard.
I've done both in my marriage. It's been terrible and oh so magnificent. Hard but worth it in the end.
Life's llke that.


----------



## mike taylor

Well said Adam .


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Thanks.
I better write some jokes.
Being serious hurts.


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

TORTOISE FORUM GLOSSARY D - F
By Tidgy the Tortoise.

Dimorphism _- n - _drug that is twice as strong as morphine.

Diurnal - _adj - _two upright toilets on the same bit of wall.

Dorsal - _adj -_ where to buy cheap doors.

Ecosystem - _n - _where noisy mice live. Eeek! Eek! Eek!

Ectotherm - _n - _an anagram of 'erect moth' 

Egg tooth - _com n - _the tortoise equivalent of a sweet tooth. 'Hmmm egg!!!' But they can't have any.

Exotherm - _n - _type of missile (probably)

Family - _n - _as in Testudinidae, though tortoises don't actually do the family thing, not even at Christmas.

Fauna - _prefix - _usually used before the suffix '-cation'.

Form - _n - _what tortoises must fill in to show what variety of a species they are.

Well, come on guys, this is that difficult sequel. And i'm not very well.
I'll try harder tomorrow, honest.


----------



## puffy137

Cowboy_Ken said:


> @puffy137
> Did you read the full joke I posted, or did you stop where it suggests women should stop reading?


No of course I read to the end . Not all women are silly selfish types just out for themselves. The ones I know would give their lives for their husbands & children . But then I guess people like that are a dying breed.


----------



## puffy137

AbdullaAli said:


> That's basically an arranged marriage... Kinda the reality in many places (Mid East, parts of the Arab world, India, etc). Not very different from 'normal' marriages. From what I've seen, when it starts its kinda awkward, but they grow to love each other like any other couple.


In days gone by there was more reason to stick together . Stigma about divorced females . Having to return to the parental home. Having to rely on family for money . These days females are independent , they have their own money, & the stigma attached is not as bad any more.


----------



## puffy137

mike taylor said:


> What happens when one person isn't happy in a arranged marriages ? Can the wife or husband divorce ?


Yes both have that right . If a husband curses his wife , she has grounds for divorce here.


----------



## puffy137

Tidgy's Dad said:


> TORTOISE FORUM GLOSSARY D - F
> By Tidgy the Tortoise.
> 
> Dimorphism _- n - _drug that is twice as strong as morphine.
> 
> Diurnal - _adj - _two upright toilets on the same bit of wall.
> 
> Dorsal - _adj -_ where to buy cheap doors.
> 
> Ecosystem - _n - _where noisy mice live. Eeek! Eek! Eek!
> 
> Ectotherm - _n - _an anagram of 'erect moth'
> 
> Egg tooth - _com n - _the tortoise equivalent of a sweet tooth. 'Hmmm egg!!!' But they can't have any.
> 
> Exotherm - _n - _type of missile (probably)
> 
> Family - _n - _as in Testudinidae, though tortoises don't actually do the family thing, not even at Christmas.
> 
> Fauna - _prefix - _usually used before the suffix '-cation'.
> 
> Form - _n - _what tortoises must fill in to show what variety of a species they are.
> 
> Well, come on guys, this is that difficult sequel. And i'm not very well.
> I'll try harder tomorrow, honest.


Just before you get to I let me add one .
Innuendo - An Italian Suppository.


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

puffy137 said:


> In days gone by there was more reason to stick together . Stigma about divorced females . Having to return to the parental home. Having to rely on family for money . These days females are independent , they have their own money, & the stigma attached is not as bad any more.


Still pretty bed here. It's almost impossible for a divorced woman to remarry and even though many attend university, it is mostly just passing time until they find a man with money.


----------



## Moozillion

Tidgy's Dad said:


> TORTOISE FORUM GLOSSARY D - F
> By Tidgy the Tortoise.
> 
> Dimorphism _- n - _drug that is twice as strong as morphine.
> 
> Diurnal - _adj - _two upright toilets on the same bit of wall.
> 
> Dorsal - _adj -_ where to buy cheap doors.
> 
> Ecosystem - _n - _where noisy mice live. Eeek! Eek! Eek!
> 
> Ectotherm - _n - _an anagram of 'erect moth'
> 
> Egg tooth - _com n - _the tortoise equivalent of a sweet tooth. 'Hmmm egg!!!' But they can't have any.
> 
> Exotherm - _n - _type of missile (probably)
> 
> Family - _n - _as in Testudinidae, though tortoises don't actually do the family thing, not even at Christmas.
> 
> Fauna - _prefix - _usually used before the suffix '-cation'.
> 
> Form - _n - _what tortoises must fill in to show what variety of a species they are.
> 
> Well, come on guys, this is that difficult sequel. And i'm not very well.
> I'll try harder tomorrow, honest.


I think these are GREAT!!!
I was trying to pick out my favorite, but realized I was just copying the whole list!!!!


----------



## Moozillion

puffy137 said:


> Just before you get to I let me add one .
> Innuendo - An Italian Suppository.


Great one!!!!


----------



## Gillian M

Tidgy's Dad said:


> Still pretty bed here. It's almost impossible for a divorced woman to remarry and even though many attend university, it is mostly just passing time until they find a man with money.


 Good afternoon Adam. Better today? I sincerely hope so.

You are right: it's 99.999% impossible for an Arab woman to get re-married after a divorce, unless she has....*MONEY*. I know a very well-off family who are arranged marriages for both their daughters, making them marry their first ousins. Unfortunately they both got divorced. They both got re-married, but only because of their money. They own villlas not flats, very luxurious cars, they have housemaids, drivers, let alone bank accounts. This case seems to be the rule and not the exception in the Arab World-too bad isn't it?


----------



## Abdulla6169

Wanna see Mahboob:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.


Mahboob is an Arabic name.  
Hahaha....


----------



## Yellow Turtle01

We are silly 


AbdullaAli said:


> Wanna see Mahboob:
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> View attachment 126871
> 
> Mahboob is an Arabic name.
> Hahaha....


----------



## Abdulla6169

Yellow Turtle01 said:


> We are silly


Pic isn't showing. Delaney, can you try posting it again?


----------



## Yellow Turtle01

AbdullaAli said:


> Pic isn't showing. Delaney, can you try posting it again?


Sure-




-showing up? 
Unfortunately, I don't have any good ones, but the best jokes are along these lines.


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

TORTOISE FORUM GLOSSARY G
by Tidgy the Tortoise.

Genetic - _adj - _pertaining to what you have in your jeans used in reproduction.

Genus - _n - _A modest clever person, because there's no I in genius.

Gular - _n or adj ?_ - 'Angular' pointy bit at the front of torts plastron. But the 'An' got lost in translation, or smudged or something. History doesn't tell.

Sorry, not much cop but I'm feeling bleuch. More tomorrow, I hope.


----------



## Moozillion

Tidgy's Dad said:


> TORTOISE FORUM GLOSSARY G
> by Tidgy the Tortoise.
> 
> Genetic - _adj - _pertaining to what you have in your jeans used in reproduction.
> 
> Genus - _n - _A modest clever person, because there's no I in genius.
> 
> Gular - _n or adj ?_ - 'Angular' pointy bit at the front of torts plastron. But the 'An' got lost in translation, or smudged or something. History doesn't tell.
> 
> Sorry, not much cop but I'm feeling bleuch. More tomorrow, I hope.


You STILL come up with funny, creative stuff even though you are feeling "bleuch!"


----------



## Gillian M

Yellow Turtle01 said:


> Sure-
> 
> 
> 
> 
> -showing up?
> Unfortunately, I don't have any good ones, but the best jokes are along these lines.


 That's much clearer. Thanks.


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

Any Questions ?


----------



## Moozillion

Cowboy_Ken said:


> View attachment 127497
> 
> Any Questions ?


HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!    Yep, you got me for sure!!!!


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

Now I'm laughing and smiling. Thanks. I need it today.


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Cowboy_Ken said:


> View attachment 127497
> 
> Any Questions ?


Yep, your mind tells you what you expect, not the reality.
This occurs in life all the time.
thanks, Ken, that helped me feel a bit better too.


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

Ummm, Adam who's to say what the mind thought isn't …never mind I must stop.


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Philosophy makes me feel better too.


----------



## puffy137

Dunno about you but this from Samuel Pepys (1633-1703) always makes me smile .

'Come to some angry words with my wife about keeping the house clean. I calling her a beggar , & she calling me a pricklouse, which vexed me '


----------



## puffy137

What did the Leaning Tower of Pisa say to Big Ben? '

'If you have the time , I have the inclination !'

Barium ; What doctors do when the treatment fails .

Bachelor ; A man who prefers a ball without a chain!


----------



## puffy137

Veni Vidi Visa. ......I came , I saw , I did a little shopping .
Veni Vidi Video.....I came , I saw , I got it on tape. 
Veni ,Vidi ,Velcro....I came , I saw , I stuck around .


----------



## Moozillion

These are great, puffy!!! 
They put a smile on my face!!!


----------



## Moozillion

A friend sent me these puns:

I changed my iPad's name to Titanic. It' syncing now.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
England has no kidney bank, but it has a Liverpool.
I use to be a banker, but I lost interest.
Be kind to your dentist- he has fillings too.
Velcro: what a rip-off!!!


----------



## Gillian M

Moozillion said:


> A friend sent me these puns:
> 
> I changed my iPad's name to Titanic. It' syncing now.
> I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
> I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
> This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
> I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
> I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
> England has no kidney bank, but it has a Liverpool.
> I use to be a banker, but I lost interest.
> Be kind to your dentist- he has fillings too.
> Velcro: what a rip-off!!!


 What a laugh! I needed it, I'm not in the best of my moods.


----------



## Gillian M

What flies all around the world  but at the same time sits in one corner?


----------



## Moozillion

Gillian Moore said:


> What flies all around the world  but at the same time sits in one corner?


...hmmmm....no clue!


----------



## Momof4

no clue!


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Toilet on an airplane.


----------



## Gillian M

Tidgy's Dad said:


> Toilet on an airplane.


 Hahahaha! No dear.


----------



## Gillian M

A *stamp*.......you *BRAINS*!


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Gillian Moore said:


> A *stamp*.......you *BRAINS*!


I still think my answer's funnier!


----------



## Gillian M

Tidgy's Dad said:


> I still think my answer's funnier!


 I think mine is!


----------



## Gillian M

OK guys. What room has no doors and no windows?


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Gillian Moore said:


> OK guys. What room has no doors and no windows?


A mushroom


----------



## Gillian M

Tidgy's Dad said:


> A mushroom


 Well said Adam!


----------



## Gillian M

What can get broken without being held?

(Come on Adam-answer)!


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

A promise.


----------



## Gillian M

Tidgy's Dad said:


> A promise.


 Correct! And by the way there's nothing more I dislike.

Mind you, another answer could be... a *heart!*


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Gillian Moore said:


> Correct! And by the way there's nothing more I dislike.
> 
> Mind you, another answer could be... a *heart!*


Or a dream.


----------



## Gillian M

Tidgy's Dad said:


> Or a dream.


 True.


----------



## Gillian M

What is the longest word in the dictionary?


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

smiles.
Because there is a mile between the two s's.


----------



## Yvonne G

Smiles because there is a mile between the first and last letters


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Yvonne G said:


> Smiles because there is a mile between the first and last letters


I was first!!!!


----------



## Gillian M

Tidgy's Dad said:


> smiles.
> Because there is a mile between the two s's.


 Yessir! I guess that was too easy,wasn't it?


----------



## Gillian M

Yvonne G said:


> Smiles because there is a mile between the first and last letters


 Yes.Wasn't it too easy?


----------



## Gillian M

Tidgy's Dad said:


> I was first!!!!


 Good afternoon. Yes you were first-as usual!


----------



## Gillian M

Little Johnny: 'Miss, *CAN* I go to the bathroom?'
Teacher: 'Johnny, "*MAY* I go to the bathroom?"
Little Johnny: 'But Teacher, I asked first!'


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

Gillian Moore said:


> Little Johnny: 'Miss, *CAN* I go to the bathroom?'
> Teacher: 'Johnny, "*MAY* I go to the bathroom?"
> Little Johnny: 'But Teacher, I asked first!'


Hmmmm


----------



## Gillian M

Teacher: 'John, get up and write 55 on the blackboard.'
John got up and wrote 5 then hesitated. 'What on earth is wrong with you?' asked the angry teacher. 'Go on.'
'I do not know which *side* to write it on!'

(Isn't he bright?)


----------



## Gillian M

Cowboy_Ken said:


> Hmmmm


 Hi there. I wonder what that 'hmmmm' means.


----------



## Gillian M

John was arrested at the airport. Know why? Simply because he greeted his cousin, screaming:

'HI JACK!!!'


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Gillian Moore said:


> Yessir! I guess that was too easy,wasn't it?


I think I first heard that riddle in 1854.


----------



## Gillian M

Tidgy's Dad said:


> I think I first heard that riddle in 1854.


 Aren't you funny?!!! hahaha


----------



## Gillian M

Cowboy_Ken said:


> Hmmmm


 You didn't tell me-what did you mean by that 'hmmmmmm?"


----------



## Gillian M

What do you call bears without ears?
B!!!


----------



## Gillian M

A gentleman living in Morocco (without mentioning  names) went into a petshop to buy a shellfish.
'I'd like a shellfish' he said.
'Would you like an acquarium?' asked the shop-owner.
'I do not care what sign it is!'


----------



## Gillian M

Two fish were in a tank.One turned to the other and asked: 'Do you know how to drive this darned thing?!'


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Gillian Moore said:


> A gentleman living in Morocco (without mentioning  names) went into a petshop to buy a shellfish.
> 'I'd like a shellfish' he said.
> 'Would you like an acquarium?' asked the shop-owner.
> 'I do not care what sign it is!'


That actually happened.
I bought the shellfish.
His name is Frank the Crab, but he's a Cancer.


----------



## Gillian M

How does NASA organize a party?
They.....*PLANET*!!!


----------



## Gillian M

Tidgy's Dad said:


> That actually happened.
> I bought the shellfish.
> His name is Frank the Crab, but he's a Cancer.


 Goodness, what a coincidence. Frank- a lovely name. By the way what sign are you?


----------



## Abdulla6169

+18:
What plant is the most gaseous?
.
.
.
Uranus!
*Ba Dum tss*


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Gillian Moore said:


> Goodness, what a coincidence. Frank- a lovely name. By the way what sign are you?


I'm Virgo, of course.
Pure and innocent.


----------



## Gillian M

Gillian Moore said:


> Goodness, what a coincidence. Frank- a lovely name. By the way what sign are you?


 What is YOUR BIRTH SIGN?????


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Which planet likes chocolate?
Mars.


----------



## Abdulla6169

Tidgy's Dad said:


> Which planet likes chocolate?
> Mars.


There seems to be more water on Mars than there is on California:


----------



## Gillian M

Tidgy's Dad said:


> I'm Virgo, of course.
> Pure and innocent.


 Pure and innocent.....GOD only knows. Do you believe in this? Personally I do NOT. I may read about it just for the sake of KILLING TIME, but as is said 'it goes into one ear and goes out the other.'


----------



## Abdulla6169

Gillian Moore said:


> What is YOUR BIRTH SIGN?????


My birth sign is Aries.


----------



## Gillian M

What a pirate's favourite letter?

The C!!!


----------



## Gillian M

AbdullaAli said:


> My birth sign is Aries.


 Do you believe in this? I've noticed that a large majority of people here do NOT. I don't either for some reason or other.


----------



## Abdulla6169

Gillian Moore said:


> Do you believe in this? I've noticed that a large majority of people here do NOT. I don't either for some reason or other.


No.


----------



## Gillian M

What did the bird say to his *stingy* owner when his cage fell apart?

'Cheap! Cheap!'


----------



## Gillian M

What is the difference between an oral thermometre and a rectal one?

The taste and the smell! UGH


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Gillian Moore said:


> Pure and innocent.....GOD only knows. Do you believe in this? Personally I do NOT. I may read about it just for the sake of KILLING TIME, but as is said 'it goes into one ear and goes out the other.'


I agree, personally I think it's a load of old nonsense, but harmless fun, I suppose.


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Gillian Moore said:


> Do you believe in this? I've noticed that a large majority of people here do NOT. I don't either for some reason or other.


Muslims are not permitted to believe in this.
It is fortune telling which is haram.
They say only Allah can predict the future.
However many people here, particularly women DO believe it anyway.


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Gillian Moore said:


> What is the difference between an oral thermometre and a rectal one?
> 
> The taste and the smell! UGH


That's not nice.


----------



## Gillian M

Tidgy's Dad said:


> Muslims are not permitted to believe in this.
> It is fortune telling which is haram.
> They say only Allah can predict the future.
> However many people here, particularly women DO believe it anyway.


 I do know it is not allowed in Islam, but at the same time I've noticed that even the Christian Arabs here do not believe in it. 
I think it makes sense that only GOD can predict the future.


----------



## Gillian M

If big elephants have trunks, do the small ones have suitcases?


----------



## Gillian M

Teacher: 'Did your father help you with your homework?'
Student: 'NO, he did not help me. He did it all by himself!'


----------



## Gillian M

-'I was born in the U.S.A.'
-'Which part?'
-'All of me!!'


----------



## Abdulla6169

18+: 
Do you know why I love Arab women: because of their camel toes....


----------



## Moozillion

AbdullaAli said:


> 18+:
> Do you know why I love Arab women: because of their camel toes....


Naughty, naughty!!!! You might be pushing it, here...


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

AbdullaAli said:


> 18+:
> Do you know why I love Arab women: because of their camel toes....


Easy now tiger!
Anyway, I hate all parts of camels.
Except to eat.


----------



## Abdulla6169

Should I delete it?
Edit- that's not possible now. Guess Ill have to live with the consequences...
Edit edit- *I'll


----------



## mike taylor

This it you're out of here !


----------



## Abdulla6169

mike taylor said:


> This it you're out of here !


Don't hurt me ...


----------



## Abdulla6169

AbdullaAli said:


> Don't hurt me ...


----------



## Abdulla6169

Dear tortoise forum, 
I apologize for the very explicit, vulgar, and profane joke I posted earlier. I don't apologize for that Uranus joke though, cause that's just science.
Signed, 
Abdulla


----------



## Moozillion

AbdullaAli said:


> Dear tortoise forum,
> I apologize for the very explicit, vulgar, and profane joke I posted earlier. I don't apologize for that Uranus joke though, cause that's just science.
> Signed,
> Abdulla


We love you, Abdulla: you won't get kicked out for 1 off-color joke, although Yvonne may give you one of her infamous GLARES... As long as you don't look in her eye, you won't be turned to stone...


----------



## Abdulla6169

Moozillion said:


> We love you, Abdulla: you won't get kicked from the forum out for 1 off-color joke (although you may be kicked in the shin if you ever say anything like that ever again), although Yvonne may chat with you and express her disappointment... As long as you try not to repeat your mistakes again, she will forgive you...


Fixed your mistakes for you! No need to thank me.
And yes, I totally agree with what I said you posted .


----------



## Moozillion

AbdullaAli said:


> Fixed your mistakes for you! No need to thank me.
> And yes, I totally agree with what I said you posted .


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

AbdullaAli said:


> Fixed your mistakes for you! No need to thank me.
> And yes, I totally agree with what I said you posted .


Although it is a joke I found amusing …


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

Tidgy's Dad said:


> Anyway, I enjoy all parts of camels.
> Especially to eat.


As do I my friend, As do I. It is but one of my enduring traits.


----------



## Moozillion

Cowboy_Ken said:


> As do I my friend, As do I. It is but one of my enduring traits.


Now, BOYS!!!!


----------



## Abdulla6169

Cowboy_Ken said:


> Although it is a joke I found amusing …


(finally someone understands my sense of humor)...


----------



## Abdulla6169

My girlfriend is very weird, she starts every conversation with "Have you even been listening to me?"
Maybe it's to make sure I listen before she speaks .


----------



## Abdulla6169

So much pain in one photo (people who speak French will understand):


----------



## Moozillion

AbdullaAli said:


> So much pain in one photo (people who speak French will understand):
> View attachment 128264


HAHAHAHA!!!


----------



## Abdulla6169

Moozillion said:


> HAHAHAHA!!!


I feel sorry if any anyone didn't (Ba)guette it!


----------



## Abdulla6169

AbdullaAli said:


> I feel sorry if any anyone didn't (Ba)guette it!


I know... I know... I'm bacon you all laugh.


----------



## Abdulla6169

AbdullaAli said:


> I feel sorry if any anyone didn't (Ba)guette it!


I'm glad you all enjoy these yolks I keep cracking up...


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

These are just terrible, Abdulla.
Give us all a break, fast!


----------



## Abdulla6169

Tidgy's Dad said:


> These are just terrible, Abdulla.
> Give us all a break, fast!


Cheesus Christ! Stop all that wine-ing!


----------



## Moozillion

I'm loving them, Abdulla! 
DO NOT LISTEN TO PHILISTINES LIKE TIDGY'S DAD!!!!


----------



## Abdulla6169

Tidgy's Dad said:


> These are just terrible, Abdulla.
> Give us all a break, fast!


Hey! Only I get to juice when to stop kidding around!


----------



## Abdulla6169

Moozillion said:


> I'm loving them, Abdulla!
> DO NOT LISTEN TO PHILISTINES LIKE TIDGY'S DAD!!!!


Orange you tired of all this non-sense?


----------



## Moozillion

Adam is just jealous because his jokes are no gouda!


----------



## Abdulla6169

The sign at the fruitsand vegetables market says:
"Give this door A-pple."


----------



## Moozillion

We were all out of cheese, so Iran to the store to get some more!


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Moozillion said:


> Adam is just jealous because his jokes are no gouda!


Cheese jokes are acceptable.


----------



## Abdulla6169

Moozillion said:


> Adam is just jealous because his jokes are no gouda!


I'm sure I'm a lot cheddar at this than him!


----------



## Moozillion

We must find a whey to keep these puns going...


----------



## Abdulla6169

Once a man tried to steal my nachos...
I began shouting: "You can't have it since it's nachos!!!"


----------



## Abdulla6169

The moon is made of cheese, so Jupiter must be made of bacon:


----------



## Abdulla6169

Tidgy's Dad said:


> Cheese jokes are acceptable.


I'm grate at making cheesy puns...


----------



## Abdulla6169

I can hear everyone screaming: "You Gouda Brie kidding me?!?!".


----------



## Abdulla6169

I had a great pun... 
But I Camembert....


----------



## Abdulla6169

Tidgy's Dad said:


> These are just terrible, Abdulla.
> Give us all a break, fast!


It's only going to become Feta from now on...


----------



## Abdulla6169

I would loaf it if someone would give me more likes for these puns.


----------



## Abdulla6169

I donut understand why I procrastinate so much.


----------



## Abdulla6169

I butter go and study. BYE!


----------



## Gillian M

Moozillion said:


> Naughty, naughty!!!! You might be pushing it, here...


 He seems to be looking for trouble.


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Moozillion said:


> I'm loving them, Abdulla!
> DO NOT LISTEN TO PHILISTINES LIKE TIDGY'S DAD!!!!


The Philistines invented the fire hearth.


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

AbdullaAli said:


> I butter go and study. BYE!


Hurrah!


----------



## Moozillion

Tidgy's Dad said:


> The Philistines invented the fire hearth.


...probably so they could fry some cheese...


----------



## dmmj

Tim sees john walk into the bar with a leg, arm, and neck cast.
Tim says " war happened to you?"?" He says " I got injured on the golf course". Tim says " how did you do all that on the golf course?". John says "I tried using the ball washer".


----------



## Abdulla6169

All problems in life can be solved if you leave your phone or wake up early.
#ParentsLogic
...
Things I'll never understand:
Arabs fighting over who gets to pay the bill. That's a thing here. 
...
I was with a bunch of family members, and I ask them:
"Why do you talk English like that, in that weird unfriendly accent?"

They said:"You talked like that too when you were a kid"

I replied: "But I reinvented myself"

...
Arab Roads:
%15 potholes, %85 ***holes.

#TrueStory
....
"Always follow your dreams"
.
.
.
Unless your Arab, follow your dad's dreams.
....
I'm in a relationship with: 
-Biryani -Sarcasm -Video Games
....
Once my dad asked me:
"how old are you?"

I said : "16"

He said: "When I was your age I was 17".
#OnlyArabsWillUnderatand


----------



## Abdulla6169

LOL!


----------



## Abdulla6169

Me: can I get a tattoo?
Parents: do you want to be buried with the rest of the family?


----------



## Yellow Turtle01

AbdullaAli said:


> Me: can I get a tattoo?
> Parents: do you want to be buried with the rest of the family?


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Yellow Turtle01 said:


> View attachment 130131


This does entertain me all day long.
I've got to have something to do when i'm not on the forum.


----------



## jaizei

Yellow Turtle01 said:


> View attachment 130131



Similarly


----------



## Yellow Turtle01




----------



## Yellow Turtle01

I just found another time-waster website


----------



## Abdulla6169

lel:


----------



## Moozillion

Yellow Turtle01 said:


> View attachment 130132


 YIKES!!!! Is that a TATTOO- with shadows added for 3D effect???!?!
I REEEEEALY hope that's a tattoo and not a real spider...


----------



## Yellow Turtle01

Moozillion said:


> YIKES!!!! Is that a TATTOO- with shadows added for 3D effect???!?!
> I REEEEEALY hope that's a tattoo and not a real spider...


Tattoo


----------



## Moozillion

Yellow Turtle01 said:


> Tattoo


Geez, Louise: that's a creepy tattoo!!!!


----------



## Abdulla6169

The problems we rich Arabs face:

There is a scratch on my Ferrari, so I have to buy 10 more.

I need another cup of tea, but I forgot the name of my butlers.

Chef cooked the wrong appetizer, so the family feast is ruined.

The chlorine in the pool make me ever so slightly itchy.

Our palace is so big, we need more furniture to fill it.

Got caught in an oil scheme, so I had to sell a seaside villa.

Trying walking in my Dishdasha for a day, it is so damn hard...

If I buy my uncle a mansion, then my auntie wants one too. 

Planning all these parties is extremely hard, I'd rather go dig for oil, at least then I'd become richer.

Bought a tiger from Mumbai, turns out I'm allergic.

Our palace has so many floors, it makes our Olympic swimming pool seems small.
#Sarcasm #N0_Offence


----------



## Abdulla6169

I hope I didn't take this joke too far...


----------



## Abdulla6169

Gosh, my joke was deleted... I did take it too far. Anyone want the joke by PM?


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

I guess I missed it. I've yet to find any of yours offensive. They actually provide me onsite that I otherwise am not exposed to. Send it to me.


----------



## Yellow Turtle01

I don't know, I see it


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

This group?

There is a scratch on my Ferrari, so I have to buy 10 more.

If so, I still see those posted.


----------



## jaizei

AbdullaAli said:


> Gosh, my joke was deleted... I did take it too far. Anyone want the joke by PM?



It was both a gay joke and a rape joke...I don't know where it went wrong.


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

cringing…


----------



## leigti

jaizei said:


> It was both a gay joke and a rape joke...I don't know where it went wrong.


Well heck, what could the problem be then?


----------



## Abdulla6169

Cowboy_Ken said:


> This group?
> 
> There is a scratch on my Ferrari, so I have to buy 10 more.
> 
> If so, I still see those posted.


Sent y'all the deleted joke. Hope it's OK.


----------



## Abdulla6169

Cowboy_Ken said:


> cringing…


It's my personal way of rebuking some of the practices here... Humorous remarks make people think about the topic without discussing it openly.


----------



## Abdulla6169

The most awkward thing happened to me. 
I texted my friend: "Give me 1 sex"
.
.
.
I meant to write sec.
I HATE AUTOCORRECT!!!


----------



## Gillian M

AbdullaAli said:


> The most awkward thing happened to me.
> I texted my friend: "Give me 1 sex"
> .
> .
> .
> I meant to write sec.
> I HATE AUTOCORRECT!!!


Wow! Looking for trouble?


----------



## Gillian M

Gillian Moore said:


> Wow! Looking for trouble?


Hello. Hope you are well.

Tell me, please, are you computer literate? My laptop is giving me a bit of trouble and I wondered if you could help.

Your prompt reply would be highly appreciated. Thank you.


----------



## Abdulla6169

Gillian Moore said:


> Hello. Hope you are well.
> 
> Tell me, please, are you computer literate? My laptop is giving me a bit of trouble and I wondered if you could help.
> 
> Your prompt reply would be highly appreciated. Thank you.


Yeah. What seems to be the problem?


----------



## Gillian M

AbdullaAli said:


> Yeah. What seems to be the problem?


Thanks your reply.

Recently, as I was typing an alert I noticed that ALL THE SMILIES as well as ICONS with which one can UNDERLINE, BOLD TEXT etc. HAVE ALL DISAPPEARED!
Moreover, the text has become TINY, literally TINY whileI'm typing. It is NOW VERY, VERY SMALL as I am typing this alert to you, which is extremely irritating for one's eyesight. The 'funny' thing is that ONCE THE ALERT IS SENT, TEXT RETURNS TO ITS NORMAL AND ORIGINAL SIZE!

I took the laptop to a place that provides maintenance for laptops/computers/mobile phones. The chap was NOT OF ANY HELP. He pushed buttons at random and then apologized. It was all.....guesswork, I regret to have to say.

Very sorry to have disturbed you.

Your help here would be highly appreciated, asap. Thank you.


----------



## Abdulla6169

Gillian Moore said:


> Thanks your reply.
> 
> Recently, as I was typing an alert I noticed that ALL THE SMILIES as well as ICONS with which one can UNDERLINE, BOLD TEXT etc. HAVE ALL DISAPPEARED!
> Moreover, the text has become TINY, literally TINY whileI'm typing. It is NOW VERY, VERY SMALL as I am typing this alert to you, which is extremely irritating for one's eyesight. The 'funny' thing is that ONCE THE ALERT IS SENT, TEXT RETURNS TO ITS NORMAL AND ORIGINAL SIZE!
> 
> I took the laptop to a place that provides maintenance for laptops/computers/mobile phones. The chap was NOT OF ANY HELP. He pushed buttons at random and then apologized. It was all.....guesswork, I regret to have to say.
> 
> Very sorry to have disturbed you.
> 
> Your help here would be highly appreciated, asap. Thank you.


Doe this happen in this site only or on all sites?


----------



## Gillian M

AbdullaAli said:


> Doe this happen in this site only or on all sites?


On this site.


----------



## mike taylor

AbdullaAli said:


> Gosh, my joke was deleted... I did take it too far. Anyone want the joke by PM?


Send it my way .


----------



## Abdulla6169

mike taylor said:


> Send it my way .


Done


----------



## Gillian M

AbdullaAli said:


> Done


Hi. Hope I have not disturbed you.

Would you please be kind enough to answer my post as far as alerts are concerned, thank you.


----------



## dmmj

We are a family forum, so we have to use our best judgment.


----------



## Gillian M

AbdullaAli said:


> Doe this happen in this site only or on all sites?


Nothing to tell me Abdulla?


----------



## Abdulla6169

Gillian Moore said:


> Nothing to tell me Abdulla?


You may have clicked or pressed a button accidentally. Not quite sure why that would happen, sorry... You can try typing thing on MsWord and pasting them here. Very inefficient, but if typing on TFO is that bad try it...


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

I may have posted this before, but I thought why not


----------



## Grandpa Turtle 144

I think this shirt says it all !


----------



## Gillian M

Hi Adam, Wifey and Tidgy. Hope Wifey's well now.

Notice Adam, the pic of the...LEGEND, the 'original' Oli. A real LEGEND in football GKs, but what of my little Oli?


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

A man walks into a bar.
"OW!!!"


----------



## Gillian M

Something special for Lyn:


Teacher: 'You missed school yesterday, didn't you?'

Pupil: Oh, not really!'


----------



## Moozillion

A woman is 3 months pregnant with twins when she falls into a coma for 6 months. When she awakens, the doctor tells her "The babies were delivered safely! Since you were unconscious, your brother named them for you."
The woman says, "Oh, no! My brother is an idiot! What did he name them?"
The doc says, "He named the girl Denise." And the woman says, "Well, that's not bad at all- I like that. How about the boy?"
The doc says "He named him Denephew."


----------



## dmmj

Why was piglet looking in the toilet?

Hr was looking for POOH


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

I believe I could pull off wearing this…


----------



## Moozillion

Cowboy_Ken said:


> I believe I could pull off wearing this…
> View attachment 136523


HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! 
OMG- my brother needs this!!!


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Cowboy_Ken said:


> I believe I could pull off wearing this…
> View attachment 136523


If you pull anything off wearing this, you will get arrested for sure.


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

Tidgy's Dad said:


> If you pull anything off wearing this, you will get arrested for sure.


Unless I was involved with the proper bike riding event...


----------



## Abdulla6169

Cowboy_Ken said:


> Unless I was involved with the proper bike riding event...


Portland is a strange, strange place. I kinda like it .


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

AbdullaAli said:


> Portland is a strange, strange place. I kinda like it .


It's a bit fun, but I tend to stay away. I don't much fit in with my cowboy hat and boots...


----------



## jaizei

Cowboy_Ken said:


> It's a bit fun, but I tend to stay away. I don't much fit in with my cowboy hat and boots...



Just imagine if there was a place 'weird' like Portland where cowboy boots and hats were standard.... hmmm


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

jaizei said:


> Just imagine if there was a place 'weird' like Portland where cowboy boots and hats were standard.... hmmm


Likely Texas


----------



## Abdulla6169

_This is awkward:_


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

This is the back of a box of those blue things you put in your toilet tank. Does it really say “they do not recommend allowing children to drink from the bowl?


----------



## mike taylor

Yes it does . ha-ha You would be surprised how stupid some people are .


----------



## mike taylor

Ken I found your cousins. Haha They said they're heading your way.


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

mike taylor said:


> Ken I found your cousins. Haha They said they're heading your way.


Excellent! I found some roadkill. Not sure what it is, but I'm fix on cooking it up for supper and you know me, I love to share and feed folks. Now as long as I can keep everyone from drinking the “pretty" blue water from he toilet without too much effort, all will be good.


----------



## mike taylor

Toilet water is good !


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

mike taylor said:


> Toilet water is good !


Hey Mike, you know what moth balls smell like, right?


----------



## mike taylor

Yes I do why?


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Moths don't have balls.


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

mike taylor said:


> Yes I do why?


So umm what'd you do, hold it by the wings?


----------



## mike taylor

Got me you did ! Ha-ha good one !


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

mike taylor said:


> Got me you did ! Ha-ha good one !


I only was able to because it's a real old joke. I was concerned you wouldn't even know what moth balls were.


----------



## Gillian M

If you want to catch a squirrel, all you have to do is.....climb on a tree and act like a NUT!


----------



## Gillian M

Hi all.


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

I've likely posted this before but is good to bring back for those who may have missed it …


----------



## Gillian M

Teacher: 'What's the chemical formula for water?'
Sarah: 'HIJKLMNO.'
Teacher: 'What on earth are you talking about?'
Sarah: 'Yesterday YOU said it's H to O!'


----------



## Gillian M

Teacher: 'Tom, get up to the map, and find North America.'
Tom: 'Here it is.'
Teacher: 'Correct. Now children, who discovered America?'
Pupils: 'TOM did!!'


----------



## Gillian M

Mother: 'Why did you swallow the money I gave you?'
Fred: 'You said it was my lunch money!'


----------



## Grandpa Turtle 144

Cowboy_Ken said:


> I've likely posted this before but is good to bring back for those who may have missed it …
> View attachment 136904


That was great I enjoyed that almost as much as torts !


----------



## Gillian M

Why did a tort (might have been Oli) cross the street?

To get to....SHELL Station!


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

Gillian Moore said:


> Why did a tort (might have been Oli) cross the street?
> 
> To get to....SHELL Station!


Smiled with that one. Even chuckled a little.


----------



## dmmj

Gillian Moore said:


> Why did a tort (might have been Oli) cross the street?
> 
> To get to....SHELL Station!


UGGGH, really?


----------



## Gillian M

dmmj said:


> UGGGH, really?





dmmj said:


> UGGGH, really?


YES, really.


----------



## Gillian M

Cowboy_Ken said:


> Smiled with that one. Even chuckled a little.


Glad to hear that.


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

With all the discussions lately as to whether that was a U.S. Soccer win or a U.S. Football win, this should help? It is in reference to an NFL FOOTBALL game!

Football and the Blonde
Of all the jokes, this one has to be the best -- because it makes football make sense! 

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. 
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." 
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?" 
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Wifey doesn't understand this joke at all.
But she is English.
And blonde.


----------



## dmmj

What is the last thing a redneck says before he dies?

Hey watch this!


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

dmmj said:


> What is the last thing a redneck says before he dies?


Or:
“No she doesn't mind, I'll show you, Honey can you come out here?"


----------



## Gillian M

How do you make a tort fast?
You simply don't give it food for hours on end!


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

Here in the states the wolf has been brought back from the brink of extinction to the point of now we have healthy breeding packs running around. 
Sheep ranchers aren't real happy about this and they contacted the wildlife management folks in D.C. who agreed to come out and address the ranchers concerns. 
What seemed like 3 years later a meeting was finally held and while listening to the concerns about livestock losses to the wolves the wildlife management folks finally announced that they would start a neutering program come spring. 
The ranchers all started looking a bit confused while looking at each other. Finally one rancher stood to speak for all the ranchers and he said,“ We don't know how you misunderstood us. These here wolves are eating our sheep. They ain't breeding with them!!"


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Watched a documentary about the new wolf packs coming back to the US.
A lot of people seemed very unhappy about it.
And others very pleased.
Always a difference of opinion.


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

I saw the same I believe. Let's go, “chat" about it…


----------



## mike taylor

That sure is a good joke Ken . hahaha


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

mike taylor said:


> That sure is a good joke Ken . hahaha


I stole that joke from a Texan when I distracted him by casually looking over his shoulder and asking, “Is that a Californian?"


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

Ok. Everyone who is game to play, print your own piece and we'll meet at the most convenient WallyWorld! Let's go!


----------



## Abdulla6169

This made me laugh:


I love the WHCD.


----------



## mike taylor

I'll be happy when he is out of office .


----------



## Grandpa Turtle 144

mike taylor said:


> I'll be happy when he is out of office .


I' ll be happy when he stops costing me money !!


----------



## Abdulla6169

I think most of the people at my mosque are gay.


They always say: "Ah Men".


----------



## parrotlady

Sick, sick


----------



## Cowboy_Ken




----------



## dmmj

Cowboy_Ken said:


> View attachment 140081


OMG that is so bad it made me laugh


----------



## dmmj

AbdullaAli said:


> I think most of the people at my mosque are gay.
> 
> 
> They always say: "Ah Men".


That made me chuckle


----------



## Anyfoot

Well at least I won't be lying next time I say
" just nipping out for one love "


----------



## Yellow Turtle01

AbdullaAli said:


> I think most of the people at my mosque are gay.
> 
> 
> They always say: "Ah Men".


----------



## Grandpa Turtle 144




----------



## Yellow Turtle01




----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Red sky at night, Shepherd's delight.
Blue sky at night, day.


----------



## jaizei

Yellow Turtle01 said:


> View attachment 145484



jajajajaja


----------



## Grandpa Turtle 144




----------



## AZtortMom

Yellow Turtle01 said:


> View attachment 145484


Yup!


----------



## dmmj

a guy walks into a bar looking for some female companionship. as he entered he sees all the women around the ugliest guy in the bar. He walked over to the bartender and says what's the deal with this guy ? The bartender looks up and says hell if I know all he does is sit there licking his eyebrows


----------



## ILoveTorts&Gerbils

I have a new theory on inertia. It doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.


----------



## dmmj

haha


----------



## ILoveTorts&Gerbils

A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says, 'sorry, we don't allow Higgs Bosons here.' The Higgs Boson replies, 'but, without me, how would you have mass?'


----------



## dmmj

I think I get it


----------



## ILoveTorts&Gerbils

It's going quiet here... Anyone got any more?


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

ILoveTorts&Gerbils said:


> It's going quiet here... Anyone got any more?


When does 8 &8 not equal 16 ? 
(PM sent)


----------



## ILoveTorts&Gerbils

Moving on... 

?


----------



## dmmj

Cowboy_Ken said:


> When does 8 &8 not equal 16 ?
> (PM sent)


I still don't get it


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

dmmj said:


> I still don't get it


Likely best that way…


----------



## Abdulla6169

Cowboy_Ken said:


> Likely best that way…


Can you send it to me ken


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

AbdullaAli said:


> Can you send it to me ken


Done been sended to you.


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Two flies are playing soccer in a saucer.
One says to the other, "Come on, make an effort, we're playing in the cup tomorrow."


----------



## dmmj

question why does the bride wear white?

answer so the dishwasher matches the stove


----------



## dmmj

Cowboy_Ken said:


> Likely best that way…


I know the answer it just doesn't make sense


----------



## mike taylor

Cowboy_Ken said:


> When does 8 &8 not equal 16 ?
> (PM sent)


I never got a pm on this one!


----------



## mike taylor

dmmj said:


> I know the answer it just doesn't make sense


Well pm it to me please !


----------



## Cowboy_Ken

mike taylor said:


> Well pm it to me please !


Sent now…again!! GOSH..!


----------



## mike taylor

Cowboy_Ken said:


> Sent now…again!! GOSH..!


Ha-ha


----------



## Abdulla6169




----------



## Tidgy's Dad

AbdullaAli said:


> View attachment 147958


You missed the skittles match, Abdulla!


----------



## AZtortMom

Tidgy's Dad said:


> You missed the skittles match, Abdulla!


*nodding while petting hedge hog*


----------



## Yellow Turtle01

AbdullaAli said:


> View attachment 147958


What a dirty ad.


----------



## AZtortMom

Yellow Turtle01 said:


> What a dirty ad.


Awesome, isn't it


----------



## Grandpa Turtle 144

AZtortMom said:


> Awesome, isn't it


I agree I think it's cute !


----------



## dmmj

I maid goes to ask the wife for a raise. the wife said give me 3 reasons why I should give you a raise. the maid says number one I'm a better cook than you. The wife says who told you that? the maid says your husband did. the maid says I'm a better clothes washer that you. The Wife says who told you that? the maid said your husband did. the maid says number 3 I'm better in bed than you. the wife says and who told you that? the maid says in a very loud voice the driver did. The wife says if you lower your voice I'll give you a raise


----------



## sibi

dmmj said:


> I maid goes to ask the wife for a raise. the wife said give me 3 reasons why I should give you a raise. the maid says number one I'm a better cook than you. The wife says who told you that? the maid says your husband did. the maid says I'm a better clothes washer that you. The Wife says who told you that? the maid said your husband did. the maid says number 3 I'm better in bed than you. the wife says and who told you that? the maid says in a very loud voice the driver did. The wife says if you lower your voice I'll give you a raise



Can't decide who worse, the maid or the wife


----------



## Grandpa Turtle 144

sibi said:


> Can't decide who worse, the maid or the wife


It's not who is worse , but the maid is better !!


----------



## sibi

Grandpa Turtle 144 said:


> It's not who is worse , but the maid is better !!


Spoken like a true man


----------



## Grandpa Turtle 144

sibi said:


> Spoken like a true man


Thank you !!


----------



## Anyfoot

I've seen it all now.


----------



## Tidgy's Dad

Anyfoot said:


> I've seen it all now.
> 
> View attachment 179107


Goodness!
When I worked at Sainsbury's, many decades ago, a customer complained ," Where's my free enzyme! I demand my free enzyme! "
I enquired what they meant and the lady said " Look at the box! It says 'enzyme free washing powder'.


----------



## Anyfoot




----------



## jim taylor




----------



## mike taylor

sibi said:


> Can't decide who worse, the maid or the wife


It would be the wife . You should never cheat on your spouse. If it comes to that you need to tell them it's over .


----------



## Anyfoot

If your ever feeling a bit down just re-visit here and watch this. It had me in tears.


----------



## Anyfoot

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.


----------



## Gillian M

Anyfoot said:


> A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
> 
> He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
> 
> The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
> 
> The robot slaps the son.
> 
> The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
> 
> Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
> 
> Son says, "Toy Story."
> 
> The robot slaps the son.
> 
> Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
> 
> Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
> 
> The robot slaps the father.
> 
> Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
> 
> The robot slaps the mother.
> 
> Robot for sale.


Nice one @Anyfoot .


----------



## Gillian M

Here's one for the gentlemen at TFO:

Girl: "Dad, did you know that girls are smarter than boys?"

Dad: "No I did not." 

Girl: "See? There you go!"


----------



## Gillian M

Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher?

There was no chemistry.


----------



## Gillian M

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course. A house cannot jump.


----------

