# Am I a bad person?



## ArkansasKelly (Mar 27, 2009)

My Husbands Mother has perm. moved in with us. She came to stay with us last year this time, but it was sort of an on and off kind of thing. Anyways, she came back up here perm. on New Years Eve day. Since then, our lives have been hell.

She is 78 and very capable of doing thing for herself, but she will not lift a finger for anything. All she does is sit my my hubbys recliner, smoke a cig on the porch or sleep in the bed. When we tell her she needs to do "something" she argues or just ignores us. She also does this breathing thing that sounds like she is hyper ventelating which really grates on our nerves and when we tell her to breathe right, she ways I am. She has no shortness of breath, this is just a bad habit. Anyways, the list goes on and on, but I will keep it short. 

She is making myself and my Husband miserable in out own home and we do not know what to do about it. Also. Hubby and I have been married for 11 years and never had an argument, now I swear that is all we do. 
I no longer like her. Does that make me a bad person?

ARKelly


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## Isa (Mar 27, 2009)

Hello kelly
No, you are a bad person. I know some people that are in the same situation as you and trust me, it does not look easy. I think you and your husband will have to find a solution or find a way to live with the situation. 
Good luck and I am sure you will find a solution to make this situation easier


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## chadk (Mar 27, 2009)

Sounds miserable! But then again, with some perspective and good communication, you could make it work. Consider your life when you are about 80 and have no where to go. Your kids are grown and have their own lives. Your friends have their own problems - if they are not dead already... You don't really want to die lonely in a nursing home and can't really afford it anyway.

I can't be around my own family members long before something they do just starts grating on me and driving me insane. But sometimes in life, a little self sacrifice and change of attitude can turn a situation like this around. As you and your husband age, you'll find more and more about eachother that drives you nuts and makes you want to get out... That is just how people are. But with the right perspective, you can learn to accept eachothers quirks and even appreciate them - after all, they will be doing the same with you and your quirks... Love is like that. And when you make it through those hard times and look back, you see how much you've matured and grown and are so happy that you stuck it out.

That said, if she is totally unreasonable and you are sure there is nothing you can do, and you are sure your marriage is heading down the toilet as a result - she needs to go. She deserves to know why. Your marriage has to come first. If she is not willing to make adjustments and ensure she is not hindering your marriage, then she deserves to go. Keep in mind she is your husband's mother though, so whether she earns it or not, treat her kindly and respectfully, but firmly if needed.

Best of luck!


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## JustAnja (Mar 27, 2009)

Kelly it really sounds like you need to find another more suitable living arrangement for your mother-in-law. If not this could sadly end up being the beginning of the end of your happy marriage if you dont nip it in the bud now. I definitely dont think you are a bad person for feeling the way you do.


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## Isa (Mar 27, 2009)

Isa said:


> Hello kelly
> No, you are a bad person. I know some people that are in the same situation as you and trust me, it does not look easy. I think you and your husband will have to find a solution or find a way to live with the situation.
> Good luck and I am sure you will find a solution to make this situation easier



Opps sorry I meant ''you are not a bad person'' (I forgot the not)


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## terryo (Mar 27, 2009)

I know how you feel, Kelly. I had a situation with my Mother-in-law. I really hated her. She never had a nice word to say about me. My house was dirty...too many animals...spent too much time outside in the yard...etc. It never ended. It went on for 25 years, then as she got older, and I had to start doing more for her, and she finally came to live with us, I started to understand her more. At the end when she died, she was my best friend, and we used to laugh about all the "bad days". I miss her so much today...more than words can say. I was very lucky when we were young and didn't get along, that my husband understood and sided with me many times. Try to have patience...that is the best advice I could give you. I know it is hard....what about a home...prayers for you Kelly...


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## Oogie (Mar 27, 2009)

you are not a bad person. you should definitely set some rules and boundaries with her...if that doesn't work, is there another relative she can move in with?


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## ArkansasKelly (Mar 27, 2009)

Thank you all for the kind words. Everything seems to be grating on my nerves right now so I am being a little over sensitive, I know that. I guess I just need to vent more often. I am one of those people that keep the emotions in until I break. LOL

Everything will work out, I have no doubt because I will not let anything happen to my marriage. It is just so maddening. We used to get along great before hand but now, we just cannot stand each other. LOL

I took care of my own Mother before she passed, but we never went through anything like this. I guess it was because she was MY Mom. I have a feeling that makes a big difference.

As fas as other relatives go, yes, she has 2 daughters that lived right there near her. They will NOT take her in. Basically, they said they could not live with her for nothing. They would kill her first. Hmmm...now I know why. Of course, one of the daughters is only interested in her inheritance, but that is another story.

We are in the process of building her an apartment onto our house, so when she gets in there, things should get better, but right now times are tough.

Thank you all for letting me vent since I cannot do it else where. It is nice to know that people have/are going through this and things have turned out okay.

Bless you all!

ARKelly


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## Yvonne G (Mar 27, 2009)

Hi Kelly: Years ago after my dad died I decided to invite my mother to move here to Clovis from San Francisco and I would help take care of her. She had had polio in her youth and was an invalid. I thought how great this is going to be...I can stop by the store for her on my way home from work, I can wash her hair, clean her house...it will be great to have my mother here so close after being apart for so long.

*WRONG!!!*

It only took about a month before I was just absolutely hating her!

All I can say to you is try to talk to her. Try to get her to see what is happening to your happy home because of her attitude. Maybe invite her shopping with you or out for a walk around the block. Maybe include her in your tortoise projects. But try to stay cheerful. And get that apartment built QUICKLY!!

Yvonne


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## Jentortmom (Mar 27, 2009)

Hi Kelly, I agree you are not a bad person at all. Luckly my mother in law doesn't live with me, but she does live a mile down the road. Even though she doesn't live with me she lives close enough that I go crazy. She use to call and expect my hubby to drop everything and come right over, I had to nip that in the bud real quick! We are doing better, but we still go back and forth. I agree with Yvonne, try inviting her to go places with you and do things with you, She prob doing some of these things because she is depressed, having to leave her home and move in with you is prob hard on her. Stay strong, don't give up, and stand your ground. Prayers coming your way. Feel free to vent anytime you need to.


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## Laura (Mar 28, 2009)

You sound HUMAN!
If you can divide your rooms or add on to give her her own small living area.. do it. Eskaton is building more apts for seniors..active living, some sound really nice. She has money? They will take her.. to hell with inheritance.. have her use it now while she is alive. Or use that money to add on to your house. just check with laws etc.. A third party to come talk to her and you is better then trying to do it yourself. 
Good luck! and feel free to Vent here anytime!


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## Maggie Cummings (Mar 28, 2009)

Hey Kelly. You've gotten some good advice so far...so I want to tell you how it looks from MY side...I so understand how she feels...
I am over 60 and had to move to Oregon to be closer so my son could help take care of me. It's almost 3 years later and I have no one who likes me. My son doesn't like me and I don't have any friends here. I have been sick for the past couple of weeks with the Dr trying to put me in the hospital from hell, and me refusing. So I lay on the couch all day without any help. No help taking care of my house or animals. So I think she feels worthless and she doesn't know what to do. Her life has changed so much from what it was. It takes a long time for homesickness to kick in. She has no friends to talk to, she has no chores to do or anything to occupy her time. So...I think you need to write a list of chores for her to do everyday. You need to make her feel worthwhile. Getting old is scary and it's something we don't talk about. So nobody is passing down advice or emotional support.
You need to get her a TV for her bedroom and tell her that room is her apartment and she needs to watch TV in her room, until her real apt is ready for her. Then you and hubby can have your living room back. Get the stuff together to make a veggie garden, or something along that vein. Give her work to do. Her life has changed so much and she doesn't know how to cope with the change. She doesn't have her own home, or apt. hence the worthlessness...JMHO


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## Laura (Mar 28, 2009)

maggie.. good insight. and sad.. 
are there groups near you YOU can join for that moral support? gardening, flowers, birdwatching churches etc.. sounds like you could use it as well. At least a person to call who is local to care for the critters if you have to be gone for a while. that would take the stress off. Be sure that persons name and ph number is posted somewhere visable.


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## Maggie Cummings (Mar 29, 2009)

Laura said:


> maggie.. good insight. and sad..
> are there groups near you YOU can join for that moral support? gardening, flowers, birdwatching churches etc.. sounds like you could use it as well. At least a person to call who is local to care for the critters if you have to be gone for a while. that would take the stress off. Be sure that persons name and ph number is posted somewhere visable.



Thanks, but I'm fine. I'm just able to see both sides now.


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## ArkansasKelly (Mar 29, 2009)

Please do not get me wrong, I do not hate her, I just do not like her right now. LOL Our biggest problem is the fact that she will not do anything. I do not mean she can't, she just won't. She will not help with folding clothes, or load the dishwasher or clean, etc. She refuses to do the excersises the physical thrapist has put in place for her. All she does is sit and sleep. Now she wants to hire someone 24/7 to come do things for her. ??? She can do things for herself, she just does not want to.

After listening to some of her family members talk about her life, it sounds like she has been this way forever. She does as little as possible and hopes that someone else will pick up the slack. That is all well and good, but I have a farm to run and I cannot be up here all the time. Not that I want to be anyways.

I do not know, I just would not want to live that kind of life and apparently she has been doing it all along. This is nothing new, just her way. We are trying to get her into a program called Inspirations where she can interact with people her own age, but she threw the brochure away. We fished it out of the garbage, but even if we do get her in, she can refuse to go.

And Maggie, your suggestions are wonderful, but they will do nothing for her. She just will not do anything. That's the problem.

ARKelly


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## Candy (Mar 29, 2009)

On the lighter side I'm only 48 years old (which I know to some of you on this site sounds old) and for years now my older boys (23yrs. and 22 yrs. old) have been telling me that they are going to put me in a home when I get to that age. I'm laughing right now as my 9 yr. old reads this. I always thought it was funny when they said that. I used to tell them that I will take care of that myself and that they won't have to worry, but we're a family of humor.  Anyway, if your mother-in-law has always been this way I dare to say she's not going to change much now. And don't feel to bad complaining becauses that does not mean that your a bad person usually it just means that you're frustrated and in your situtation I can see why. Maggie so sorry that you're not feeling well these last few weeks I remember reading something about your right arm, but I forget what that was about. What does your doctor want you to go to the hospital for (if it's not too personal)? Candy


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## Maggie Cummings (Mar 29, 2009)

ArkansasKelly said:


> Please do not get me wrong, I do not hate her, I just do not like her right now. LOL Our biggest problem is the fact that she will not do anything. I do not mean she can't, she just won't. She will not help with folding clothes, or load the dishwasher or clean, etc. She refuses to do the excersises the physical thrapist has put in place for her. All she does is sit and sleep. Now she wants to hire someone 24/7 to come do things for her. ??? She can do things for herself, she just does not want to.
> 
> After listening to some of her family members talk about her life, it sounds like she has been this way forever. She does as little as possible and hopes that someone else will pick up the slack. That is all well and good, but I have a farm to run and I cannot be up here all the time. Not that I want to be anyways.
> 
> ...




Yeah, if she won't cooperate there's not much you can do. Have you tried going hard core on her and not doing anything for her? Talked to her Dr?
She sounds stubborn and lazy...stop feeding her unless she helps with the chores. And I would bring her Dr in on this. I'm sorry there's not much help for you. Maybe she needs me to go and have a talk with her...


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## Jacqui (Mar 29, 2009)

Can I ask why is she living with you instead of somewhere else? 
Apparently she has some money so could find a nice place where she can be waited on hand and foot and do nothing. Not having her live with you does not make you bad. Sometimes it's the best for everybody to not be sharing the same house. Is living with you what she really wants?


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## Laura (Mar 30, 2009)

She sounds depressed. Might need some help with that.. Tough Love maybe..


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## ArkansasKelly (Apr 5, 2009)

Hey Maggie,

We have talked with her Dr. and even the home health people that come out here. Nothing will phase her. We have her in a program right now called Inspirations. It is like group therapy for seniors. It is supposed to help with her "issues". She has gone there for 3 days and says that she does not want to fo back. That there is nothing wrong with her and she does not need to be there. She is depressed, I know that, but you cannot help someone who does not want help. As far as helping, I have quit doing that along time ago. The only meal I cook is supper now. Half the time she does not like what I make so she just pops in a TV dinner. 

Jacqui: She is living with us because noone else will take her in. I do not think she could live by herself because she would be dead in a week because she would not do the things she should. I.E. take the right meds at the right time, eat, etc. Besides, she does have money but hiring someone full time would deplete it in nothing flat. LOL And no, she does not want to live here. She wants to be back in Hot Springs with her common law husband. She is not there because he kicked her out for pulling a butcher knife on him. Her 2 daughters that live right there in Hot Springs will not take her in because they do not like her or respect her. (another story)

The apartment is on hold right now. The contractor totally screwed up the foundation so it has to be torn out and redone. Good gravy can't something go right?

Here is an example of what she will not do. I do the laundry since she does not dirty up enough clothes for a full load so I put her stuff in with mine. Well, I will not fold her clothes. When I sort them out after drying, I put them on her bed. Well, she went in there and saw the clothes on her bed and make a scowl. Anyways, she picks up a shirt, starts to fold it and then throws in back on the bed and takes a nap. Hm... Is it really that hard to fold clothes?

Goodness, I could go on and on but then everyone would be tired of me. One thing to remember though, when someone is living with or is just around someone that is very negative and basically doom and gloom, it takes everyone down with them. I used to be such a happy person.

ARKelly


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## Jacqui (Apr 5, 2009)

None of the family will take her in, but what about a senior housing situation? Can't recall the title given to those homes for seniors who just need somebody to make sure they have meds, provide meals for them and basic housekeeping. Not talking a nursing home as she is not that bad.


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## ArkansasKelly (Apr 5, 2009)

Jacqui said:


> None of the family will take her in, but what about a senior housing situation? Can't recall the title given to those homes for seniors who just need somebody to make sure they have meds, provide meals for them and basic housekeeping. Not talking a nursing home as she is not that bad.



I believe you are talking about assisted living. She was in one once before, but I think they basically kicked her out because again, she would not do anything.  They basically said she needed to be in a nursing home since she would not do anything for her self. So sad.

ARKelly


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## Laura (Apr 5, 2009)

Does she pay rent? I would start charging her to live there.. the more you do for her the more she pays!


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## ArkansasKelly (Apr 5, 2009)

Laura said:


> Does she pay rent? I would start charging her to live there.. the more you do for her the more she pays!



LOL, she does pay part of the utilities and part of the food cost. I guess you could call it rent. I call it pitching in.  But money is not the problem and no matter how much she does or does not pay, things will still be rough. I do know what you mean though. If she has to pay more for what I do for her, maybe she will do more. I wonder if it would do any good? 

ARKelly


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