cold hearted.. Confused??

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WallieTheTortoise

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This sounds all too familiar, except my dad promised...or to be more precise, demanded to see us every weekend when he and my mom divorced, which was about 15 years ago, and he never came to see us once. I don't know what I would do either in your situation...
 

dmarcus

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My 2 cents...


I too didn't have the best dad in the world; I didn't see him much growing up. His life style was not what my mom wanted me around. I did spend a few days with him here and there but when I was in my early teens there was no contact at all. Then when I was 17 my mom told me my dad was in the hospital and didn't have much longer to live. She asked if I wanted to go see him and I was torn on if I should go see him in the hospital because he was never around and I really didn't know him in the first place. A day later I decided I would go and see him, I know I didn't want any answers but I don't remember why I ultimately decided to go see him. While sitting there talking to him he started to tell me how he was always coming around to try and see me when I was younger but my step dad used to run him off. I guess I was just oblivious to it all but it all started coming back to me that I did see him coming around and I would see my step dad talking to him and making hand gestures that I then understood were him telling my dad to get away.
Everything finally made sense to me. I did not completely forgive my dad because I think his life style prevented him from trying harder to see me, but I did understand that there were more reasons to why he was not around when I was growing up. He died two days later and I didn’t shed a tear for him and it didn’t affect me that he was gone. I am 38 now and Even though I still don’t remember much about my dad, I am glad I was able to say goodbye to him and I believe that my presence that day gave him a little bit of peace.

I know your situation is different from mine and you have your wife and kid to think about. This is a hard decision to make and don’t do it out of pressure from your sister or anyone else. I will not say what I think you should do, but whatever you decide make sure you don’t let anyone hold it against you. Just remember that mistakes are made by everyone and sometimes it’s better to forgive even if you never forget.
 

Laura

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its tough.. but I agree.. once he is gone, you cant go see him.. Be the bigger, better person now and go to him.. say hi, take a card.. heck tell him how you feel.. but dont argue with him.. the guilt will be worse if you dont go.. take one day and do it..
sooner the better.. then you can be there 100% for your family..
good luck..
 

DesertGrandma

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Brandon, I am so sorry that you are having to face this situation. If you were my son, I would tell you to do what will give you peace of mind. Never mind what the others in the family are telling you, it is your life and you need to take care of you and your family. If you decide to make one visit to your birth father, use that time (without others in the room) to ask him to tell you why he wasn't a part of your life and tell him how much it hurt you. Whatever his answer doesn't really matter so much as that you are able to express to him how you feel. Maybe he will be sorry and tell you so, maybe not, but you will know that you made the effort. I wish you the best.
 

Tom

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I came from a very similar situation. Mine divorced when I was three and for no good reason. My dad moved far away and I hardly ever saw him. There is a song called "Father of Mine" by Everclear. I swear the writer/singer either had the exact same life or he wrote that song about mine. I too had a step dad and though I fought him every step of the way when I was an angry young man, I love and appreciate what he did for me now.

You don't owe that dying SOB a damn thing. There are not too many crimes worse than a father abandoning his young son. The only reason you should go to see him is if YOU want to go see him. Personally, I'd want to ask him how he feels about his choices in life right about now. Because you have a conscience and a kind side, I too think you will regret it if you don't go. Years from now, you will be able to look at your child and think to yourself, that "I did the right thing". That will be a good comforting feeling. A 3 hour drive is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

I wish you the best whatever you choose.
 

ascott

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hmmm, this is a tough thing. Some folks say things like, you will regret it later, you will feel guilty later, it is better for you to be the bigger person, PROVE you are the better--bigger man....

So death is part of life. Life is a journey. Each of us have our journey to travel. Your father had his life journey, he made turns in that journey that served him when he made those choices. People who have children become not only responsible for the choices they make and how they affect their life journey--but also how they will affect their children.

In life there are people that choose to satisfy their own life needs with disregard for their children. Those same people then find that death is upon them---they then decide that they should be forgiven for their life choices that affected people in their life---simply because they are going to die. Hmm, now, would that same person have the same desire to seek out and make a mends if death had not knocked on their door? I wonder?

I hear things like, you need closure--so forgive. You need peace in your own life---so forgive. I am a very forgiving person. However, I also believe that for every action there is a re-action. Up and down, over and under, left and right....if you only have one way you will be chasing your tail forever....

If you put good out in ones universe, good will come full circle. If you put bad out in ones universe, bad will come full circle. I do not believe that it is ones responsibility to sacrifice themselves over and over again to the bad...simply to put another at ease when they have not made an attempt before death comes knocking.

If you have learned how to go on with your life in a peaceful and fulfilling way. If you have put that relationship in a place that allows you to thrive in life. If you harbor no hate nor contempt, if you have no feelings one way or the other...then what would lead you to believe that you HAVE to go to him and profess feelings....what would lead you to believe that anything he has to say would be genuine at all?

My point is, that you absolutely have a life choice upon you hear...you can continue to do what you have done to date and if that allows you happiness....way awesome. If you have feelings that "you" only know---that need to be expressed to this person and you can not imagine going on with your life as you have unless you say those things...then by all means go and do what you need to....only you will know....

Whichever you decide, decide what is for you. May you find peace with what ever your life choice is......
 

Kristina

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You have no idea how much I empathize with you. My parents split when I was only 5 months old. I didn't see my "father" again until I was 9 years old, and he was suing for custody of me. I didn't KNOW him, all I knew was he was a complete stranger and was trying to take me away from my real family. At 11 years old, I saw him beat my step-brother so badly that he put him in the hospital, and finally threw such a fit about not going back, running away and what not, that the courts no longer made me go for visitation (he was always abusive, which is why my mother had left him in the first place. He threw his second wife down a flight of stairs and through a wall when she was close to the end of her pregnancy, she suffered a placental abruption and my half brother was born with brain damage due to lack of oxygen because of it.)

The last time I saw him was when I was 17, across a courtroom (child support hearing.) He would not look at me or acknowledge my existence, which was fine with me.

I have two daughters, 8 and 11. He has never met them, and never will. He was not at my graduation, or my wedding. But that is okay with me. My Grandpa, who raised me from the time I was 5 months old, was there. I had my DAD there with me.

Last I heard anything about my "sperm donor" was that he had started drinking again, was loosing his house, his marriage was falling apart and his health was bad. I don't like to see bad things happen to anyone, but I feel completely apathetic about it. I don't care any more than if he was a total stranger.

I guess the whole point of me saying all this is that it doesn't make you a bad person. I personally will not be seeing my father again, even if he is on his deathbed. I have no impulse or need to reconcile at the last minute, and I never will. I'll spend my grief and memories on my grandfather when he passes away.

You have to do what feels right for YOU. You can't let other people, your sister, people here on the forum, or even your wife influence your decision on this one. Just think long and hard about it, and you will know in your heart what is right.
 

Angi

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If you feel that YOU need a last visit with your birth dad then go. Will you later wish you went? If not you have NO obligation to go. You are not going to hell for not loving or respecting a sperm donor. He choose not to be part of your life when you were too young to have a choice. If it were me I would want one last visit, just so I couldn't look back and think "man I missed my chance to say good bye". It is up to you, but whatever you decide you should not feel guilty about. It sounds like your mother made a much better choice the second time. Be grateful for that and count yourself lucky.

Good luck!
 

froghaven5

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I don't think you should feel obligated to go, but you might feel better if you did give him that 1 visit. I look at it this way: besides life, your birth father gave you 2 things. 1. the chance to have a step father who was and is good to you and 2. The knowledge of how you do not want to be as a father. And the very least you can thank him for that.
 

blafiriravt

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Thanks again everyone for your input. I feel so much better knowing i'm not at sea by myself, and there other people who have felt and gone through the same exact thing I am right now. You guys are the best. Thank you so much!!
 

Torty Mom

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Brandon, you got some excellent loving words of wisdom. To this I add; There is always more than one side of the story, if you don't see him or ask him the questions you need will you have regrets? Once he is gone, could have, should will be ever so irrelevant. Sometimes with regret you don't know it's there until it's too late. Let your heart be your guiding light and let it guide you in the decision you make. No one can help you with that, just you. In ten years will you be able to live with this decision you made today or tomorrow?

I was a very lucky girl and had the best Father ever (Mother is another story) This January will the 10th anniversary of his death. I do not have a single regret, I took him to every chemo appt, I spoke to every Dr every day. When he wanted Thai food I went and bought it, by the time I dropped it off he no longer wanted it, then I would make a fried egg sandwich, which he didn't want 5 minutes after that, I made some very "shady" purchases, and when we couldn't care for him and he went into the VA hospital I was there almost every day. He is here with us in his cute little gray box. He has gone on road trips, high school graduations, fishing trips, just to name a few. Some people may think it's weird, but we have him with us always. Again no regrets. My story is a bit different. When I look back not once can I say, I wish I visited him more, I should have taken him to the Dr more, I should have cooked him more food. The only thing I would wish for is my Dad to be here with me now. That's it, no regrets.

What if he is a different man now? What if your children ask you what he was like? Do you look like him? Do your kids look like him? These are somethings you may never know or find out. You won't have a life story to tell them, but you could tell them what you learned about him near the end. If it was good you could say something warm and wonderful and if wasn't....well you wasted and afternoon and now you know. You did your best therefor no regrets, except maybe wasting an afternoon. Good luck with your choice my friend, it's certainly not an easy one. Just know that whatever you decide, needs to be good for you and no one else, and we will be here for you no matter what!
 

blafiriravt

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Thank you Mary Anne! And thanks for the story too. Reading everyone's input has helped me see what needs to be done. I really can't thank everyone enough. I wasn't expecting all this. I really appreciate you all spending time to relate and share on the subject. Thank you!!
 

terryo

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There are a million stories, but I'll add one more. Seventeen years ago my daughter-in-law took her infant son and left for Florida. It was very hard for my son to visit him as he was sick most of the time. A few years ago my son died. I don't know what they told him about my son, but apparently it wasn't very nice. Now at 17, my grandson he calls me up all the time asking for pictures of his Dad, and wanting to know about him. He told me that they always told him that his Dad (my son) didn't care enough about him to visit, although he did send cards and money. Now we find out that the Mother never gave him the cards or the money. So all these years he thought my son was a "dead beat" Dad. Now he finds out different, and it's too late. He wants to come here now and get to know his family, and is very sad that he never knew his Dad.
I'm not saying that your situation is the same, I'm just saying you are young and you have all the time in the world to fix your house, but once this opportunity is gone there won't be another, to find out all the answers about your Father. Good luck in whatever you decide.
 

CtTortoiseMom

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terryo said:
There are a million stories, but I'll add one more. Seventeen years ago my daughter-in-law took her infant son and left for Florida. It was very hard for my son to visit him as he was sick most of the time. A few years ago my son died. I don't know what they told him about my son, but apparently it wasn't very nice. Now at 17, my grandson he calls me up all the time asking for pictures of his Dad, and wanting to know about him. He told me that they always told him that his Dad (my son) didn't care enough about him to visit, although he did send cards and money. Now we find out that the Mother never gave him the cards or the money. So all these years he thought my son was a "dead beat" Dad. Now he finds out different, and it's too late. He wants to come here now and get to know his family, and is very sad that he never knew his Dad.
I'm not saying that your situation is the same, I'm just saying you are young and you have all the time in the world to fix your house, but once this opportunity is gone there won't be another, to find out all the answers about your Father. Good luck in whatever you decide.

Your grandson is lucky to be able to find out about who his Dad was from you. He will alway's have his father's family around to show who he was. Oh my gosh, I am balling like a baby from this story!
 

Terry Allan Hall

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blafiriravt said:
Hey all. I want to start by apologizing up front. I'm pretty good about posting a story or poem or something kind of "fun" to read. Tonight (it's 6:07PM upon writing this for me) is different though. It is a personal situation, and I do not expect anyone to chime in, or give advice. I am not looking for attention I am just looking to get my story and voice out there to where it will be heard, and I hopefully will not be judged. Here it goes.

So. I am 23 years old (young?). When I was around 7, my parents had a divorce. There was a deal worked out so that I would be able to see my dad every other weekend or so. Now, back in the day, he was kind of a dead beat, to say the least. Half of the time during visits, I would be left with other family members, to be babysat so he could go out, and do whatever it was he did. It finally turned out so he stopped picking me up during his visit time. Now, every couple of years or so, he would just come swooping in to my life, and my sisters. It was fine by me, I always did enjoy seeing him, when he was "able" to. My sister, on the other hand, has really no clue to who he is, being she was very young during the split. Anyway, this happened for YEARS off and on, and I haven't heard from him in a long time, about 4 years. My sister has recently turned age enough where she is starting to explore her freedom, and has gotten tangled up in our "birth" family. Little side note: my mom met a guy some time after the split with my birth dad, and he became my "step" dad, who raised us and loved us as his own. I respect him a lot, and know he would take a bullet for either one of us. Anyway, back to the story. My sister tells me just this past weekend that my birth dad is dying. He is failing more and more each day. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer (probably due to drinking in excess) and it has spread, along with tumors, wracking his entire body. She is kind of using the ailment to her advantage and gobbling up a ton of negative attention for it, and in the meantime harassing me to go and see him. Mind you, he is a good three hour drive away. Which doesn't matter in the least, and it is a horrible selfish thing to say. But that brings me to the bad part. Or so I think. I don't really FEEL anything. I don't FEEL sad, or lost, or hopeless. I don't feel like I have lost anything. I am so confused. Am I going to hell? Should I feel like my world is tearing apart because the man who made me and ran away is now dying? The entire "birth" family is breathing down my neck telling me he doesn't have much time left, and he is just hanging on to see me, and my idiot sister is on that wagon. Again, another selfish thing: I have SO much going on in my life right now. My wife and I have a baby of our own due this December, so we are getting prepped for that, we bought a house just this year,and are trying to complete as many renovations we can before the baby comes. I work 11-13 hour days, so not a lot can be accomplished during the week. And he is like 3 HOURS away!! I know I know, I am going to hell for saying that. But it's true. The only thing I FEEL is confused. I can't shake it/ I can write until my fingers bleed, but I can't get it out of my head. I DONT want to get tangled in that butthole family, they are horrible people. I just don't know.
Thanks for listening. Or reading. Whatever, lol. Everyone here is so awesome. PLEASE don't feel obligated to comment. It is a very awkward soap opera thing to have to read (if you read it all), and I didn't expect anything but to just write and be heard.

My elder brother is seeing that situation from the other side...when my niece was very young, he had plenty of excuses why he couldn't work her into his busy schedule...now that she's an adult, with kids of her own, he wants to be part of her life and she's not terribly interested...

Don't feel bad about your honest feelings...make time when you can, even if it's only a phone call once a week.

He made his choices.
 
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