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dmmj

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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not. It is three in the morning and it is pouring out!" says the husband.
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man agrees, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here... on the swing!" replied the drunk.

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither are hurt. They crawl out of their cars and the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." And the priest said, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."
And the rabbi said, "and look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break, surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. And so he handed the bottle to the priest. The priest said he agreed, took a few big swigs, and handed the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi took the bottle, didn't drink at all, put the cap on, and handed it back to the priest. The priest asked, "aren't you going to have any?" And the rabbi replied, "No… I think I'll just wait for the police."

Walking on the beach one day, a young man finds the proverbial lamp washed up on shore. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appears and states quite proudly that he is not your ordinary genie. The man inquires as to what makes this genie so special. To this the genie explains that no matter what the man asks for his three wishes, his mother-in-law will receive twice as much. Although the man did not like his mother-in-law very much he was very excited about getting 3 wishes.
"Well, for my first wish" says the young man "I would like 5 million dollars". POOF! Right in front of him is 5 million bucks. The genie then says "Your mother-in-law has 10 million dollars sitting in front of her right now". This visibly upsets the man but is still quite excited about his second wish "I have always wanted a Rolls Royce, so that's what I want for my second wish". POOF! Of course, in front of him is the most beautiful piece of machinery he has ever laid his eyes upon. "Your mother-in-law has two of those just like it" says the genie. This was too much for the gentleman to handle.
After about a half-an-hour of contemplation he returns to the genie and says "I know exactly what I want for my third wish, I want to be beaten half to death!!"

A guy sees a pretty lady at the end of the bar and is interested in buying her a drink. He tells the bartender that he will buy her another of whatever she is drinking. The bartender says ''OK, I'll pour it for her. But just for your information, she's a hooker. She'll do what you want for money.''
The drink gets delivered and the woman makes eyes at the guy, inviting him over. After a couple of minutes of chatting, the guy gets up the nerve to ask her: ''The bartender says you're a hooker, is that true?''
The woman says ''Yes. I do it for the money. In fact, I'll do anything for $200.''
The guy thinks for a minute and then pulls out $200, gives it to her and says ''Paint my house.''
 

Kerryann

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Someone sent me these two:
I think this one was sent by my husband
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and says, "You're an engineer you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is welcomed. Soon, the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell; he begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says, "So, how are things in Hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And, there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

"What! You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell... send him to me."

"Not a chance! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"

God insists, "Send him back or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"
This one is funny but clean too
At an Irish wedding reception someone yelled:

"Would all the married men please go stand by the one person who has made your life worth living"

The bartender was almost crushed to death!
 
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