Jokes

dmmj

The member formerly known as captain awesome
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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena . 'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.'

Judi went to a "Dude Ranch" on vacation. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle.
Judi asked what the difference was.
"Well," said the cowboy, "one has a horn and the other doesn't."
Judi thought about it for a second and answered. "Just get the one without the horn. I don't think we'll run into too much traffic out here."

So Harry Reid, Barack Obama and Chuck Norris are all fishing on a boat in the middle of a lake...?

Obama says, "I forgot my tacklebox on the shore." He gets out of the boat, walks across the water, gets his box and returns to the boat.

Then Chuck needs to use the restroom. He gets out of the boat and walks across the water to the bathroom along the shore and then returns.

Reid is wowed by this display, and figures that if the other guys can do it, he can too. With a confident tone, Reid says, "I'll be right back, I forgot my lunch in the car." He steps out of the boat and promptly sinks to the bottom. Obama turns and says to Chuck, "Do you think we should have told him where the rocks are?"

Chuck says, "What rocks?"

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but continues to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
 

bouaboua

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Hahahahaha! ! ! ! !

Now no one can sleep due to the laughter....

I also hear a story about store for wife but forgot how it goes.....
 

wellington

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LMAO, now your back. :D This is what I have been waiting for, your jokes, I've missed them. Thanks for the laugh:)
 

Yvonne G

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...and the Captain is BA-A-A-A-A-ACK!!
 

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