Reed Turtles

[jkingler]

The Reed 'turtle', geochelone vitiosus, is a tortoise that is becoming increasingly notorious for being accidentally packaged with coconut coir. Hatchlings hatch from tiny eggs that laying mother tortoises affix to (and which are perfectly suited for blending in with) coconut fibers. Once hydrated, the eggs incubate very quickly. Hatchlings, then hatch, hide, and subsequently grow with great celerity, rapidly getting the nutrition for their initial growth spurt by eating a short-lived diet of excrement, rotting vegetation, and their incubatory coir. Their regular diet consists of tropical fruits, coconut fiber and animal protein. (Note: adults can climb coconut palms and crack open coconuts, much like their geographical neighbors, the coconut crab.) Their bulk of their diet comes from their preferred food source, small land animals, namely other tortoises, and even other Reeds, in the absence of other protein.

They develop into a tortoise that shares traits with the Pancake, the Burmese (emys emys), and the Alligator Snapping Turtle. Though hatchlings are Black and mottled green with brown flecks, thought to camouflage them in their inland, subterranean birth microhabitats, they quickly develop mother of pearl and sandy tan growth rings. This slowly changes into their adult coloration, which helps them to blend in with sands and palm bark, which conceals them from potential prey while they forage for coconuts. Their carapace is durable, flexible, and atypically coarse. Equally unusual is the fact that their nails are sharp and rather curved, much like a cat's claw. The perimeters of their shells are sharp and serrated. In stature, they are squat and flat, having no dome to speak of, so to lift one from the ground that their nails so effectively gain purchase on, potential predators would have to grip along their fearful perimeters. Astonishingly, their necks are disproportionately long. They can reach reach and snap at objects as far behind them as their own midshell and as far above and away as roughly twice their own standing height, from nail on extended leg to shell dome. They move slowly and stalk when approaching live protein, but they are adapted to 'pounce' and, for short bursts, they can reach 'sprinting' speeds equivalent to that of hungry sulcatas several times their size.

Did I mention how fast they hatch and grow?

It's almost like Gremlins. Also drawing parallels to Gremlins (and ASTs), they're meaner than hell. They are the Gremlin to your cute baby tort's Mogwai, so don't feed tortos after midnight. Thus, the wisdom of ancient (Chinese?) tort-husbands rings true: HOT, HUNGRY AND DRY!

Enter Stripe and Mohawk, the two Reed turtles I unwittingly raised in my superhydrated, 1.5wk old coir (COIR! [/spake in a Kirkian voice, shouted like the name of the eternal rake, Khan!]).

At first, I saw emerging from under Deedle's hide, a flat, round shelled guy with an almost serrated look around the lower skirt of his perimeter scutes. In my dreamy idiocy, I merely watched, observing the proceedings in an almost giddy, trancelike state. So out comes Stripe. Stripe yawns, revealing a razor sharp beak and a permanent(?), vestigial eggtooth that looked serviceable as an impaling spike. But he yawned, and he was kinda little,
though bigger than Deedle. Cute? I observe that he is sorta blinking, probably seeing light for the first time, and he looks sorta silly. D'awww. I think to myself, where did this little guy come from? Maybe he'll be Deedle's friend!

He suddenly stiffened, sniffed, then walked faster than I've seen aaaany hatchling move, over in Deedle's direction. Deedle, who was doing his best Mr. Magoo impression up to now and throughout the proceedings described below, was none the wiser, and characteristically rather clumsy in his blissful ignorance, happily exploring the new layout of his enclosure (which I set up last night).

In my mind I was still thinking that Stripe was seeking companionship, though he began approaching in what seemed to me a wary, unsure manner. Is the little guy getting shy? Awww. But no. It turns out he was stalking, as I soon discovered. Before making this realization, I excitedly jaunted over to my laptop to research what kinda tort the surprise new guy was. I searched all of the old "WHAT KIND OF TORTOISE IS THIS" threads, eventually discovering which tort he most resembled. The Reed turtle!

What an innocuous name. No wonder he's so friendly! So I researched some more and discovered the aforementioned information on Reeds. I got nervous but I was still dubious, so I Googled Reeds. I looked at images and saw pictures of gaping deathbeaks, rent flesh in merciless jaws, and an image macro of a bag of uncompressed coir. I couldn't make out the details of the thumbnail. Enlarge:

COIR
So many Reed turtles!
(and the picture shows dozens of bite-sized, bite-happy babes smiling for the camera)

I observe that perhaps this is just one more reason to buy the expanding coir bricks (OR NO COIR).

I apparated in front of Deedle's den, lickety-split, only to behold the following tableau: Deedle, on a miniature promontory of coir, capped by a flat rock, reaching his precious little neck, face, and herbivore's beak to reach a Hawksbeard leaf hanging just above himself. Stripe, stretching his jet black legs forward and his flat body backwards, like a soon to pounce Jaguar. Needless to say, not good. Afterwards, there were many instances of Stripe nearly snapping into Deedle's feet and head, several failed attempts to grab Stripe, too many Mr. Magoo moments from Deedle (who was just so hungry!), who even flipped himself over a few times, to make protecting him extra easy. I was poked, punctured, and viciously bitten before getting a hold of Stripe by the anal scutes and carapace. Then I noticed another bebe with extra impaling spikes (Mohawk), who was thankfully not as quick witted or vicious, strolling towards Deedle...So yeah. Bad dream.

I don't know what my subconscious was trying to tell me or why the last name of the make believe scientist who discovered these critters so closely resembles my own, but that was a TERRIBLE dream, and I felt a strong compulsion to go check on 'the baby' upon waking, to make sure he hasn't been lovingly hand reared to this point only to become a tasty treat for stowaway Reeds.

Theories: NIGHTMARE FUELED/SPONSORED BY SUBCONSCIOUS, SUBLIMATED GUILT!

-Had contemplated getting Deedle a buddy, before ever doing the research, and my buying impulse was strong. Was quite possible that I would get one without doing the research! But then I did look into it, and saw that some torts bully, some are aggressive, some over-couple with the ladies, causing them stress, aversive behaviors, malnutrition and illness, and most are happy being the lone wolf type, slowly circumabulating their tables solo. Maybe this was my ignoramus' dream/nightmare come true?

-Yesterday at the Farmers Market, was checking out some humongous Reed avocadoes. Dense. Big. Prehistoric looking. Dark green. Looked but did not buy (guilt at teasing the vendor?).

Who knows. Anyways, that was by far the most vivid dream I've had since a previous, ridiculous nightmare, so...I just thought I would share.

 

[Yvonne G]

Whew!!! You had me going there for a couple minutes!!

 

[jkingler]

Sorry to War of the Worlds you. That's why I put this in the off-topic chitchat area. I am sticking with coir, and have no real reason to fear those nightmare Reeds, as far as I know.

 

[Jacqui]

Not fair, my coir never has anything good in it *kicks the dirt with the toe of my boot*

 

[Terry Allan Hall]

Wow....last dream I had like that involved a couple of sugar cubes at a Grateful Dead concert!...are you positive that those were avocadoes?

 

[jkingler]

I am, in fact, certain of it! And I didn't even ingest them!

(But if there was LSD on the skins, I guess it'd get in through MY skin...)

You bring up a good point. Going back to the farmers market to interrogate those Reed growers...

 

[terryo]

Damn! I got so excited I was already thinking of making a new vivarium, and going to look up breeders. Anyway....wouldn't it be great!

 

[jkingler]

Not so great for Deedle!

But it would be pretty sweet, and kinda like playing the lottery. Order coir now! You could win a free betta tort! Lol.

 

[Terry Allan Hall]

A whole new underground industry, for those who enjoy pit fights and the betting that accompanies such things....

BATTLE TORTS​

 

[jkingler]

Don't tell Michael Vick about it. You will send him back to the dark side.

 

[wellington]

Wow, good story. You really had me going. I even stopped part way through to look them up. Really wanted to see a picture and you hadn't provided one. First thing I was going to post was, WHERE ARE THE PICS. I don't like to read much, but you tell great stories and can send some more It is just a story riiiiiight

 

[jkingler]

To the best of my knowledge, they are fictitious. But who knows what the future holds!

And have no fear - if I have any more tortoise nightmares, you lot will be among the first to read about them.