Smashing Mark - a tale of tortoises and terror

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Madkins007

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*Note from Kristina*

The following is a pretty darn hilarious story from the twisted brain of our very own Mark. We felt that it was just too darn good to keep all to ourselves in the moderator only section. This is what your TFO moderator team was doing when we were SUPPOSED to be compiling a "to do" list of forum updates for Josh.

I hope you enjoy :)


_________________________________________________________________________________________

Not in a rush for anything on this end. Got any other ideas for articles? I am not bored or anything (got to get another review for The_Gadgeteer.com done tonight or tomorrow among other things), but I actually work best when I have a little pressure on me.
 

Jacqui

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RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2

*places a large concrete block onto Mark* There is that enough pressure or should I do another one??? :p :D
 

Jacqui

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RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2

Kristina said:
*sits on the concrete block* I got your back, Jacqui!

*looks at where on Mark the block is that Kristina is sitting on* I think you have Mark's back, too! :D :D Sure is nice to have folks such as yourself K, watching my back. ;)
 

Madkins007

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RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2

He was laying there peacefully, other than the twitching little left finger and faint 'heee- hee- heee- hee' sounds of breathing attempts.

In the meantime, one of his faithful tortoises, Chelan, had scrambled back to the kitchen to warn Ann of Mark's predicament.

"What is it boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well again? No... that can't be it. We capped that well, and sold Timmy off years ago. Come on, speak, boy, speak!"

Chelan hung his head over his inability to articulate even a simple meaningful sound. He briefly considered Charades, but had no clue how he would indicate anything like "6 words. First sounds like" without fingers or the ability to hear most voice sounds. Dang! Even Flipper could communicate better than this and he was just an overgrown fish! (Yes, we all know that dolphins are mammals, but it seems cruel to point this out to poor Chelan at this time.)

Suddenly, he had an idea! He began to urinate the message! "M A R K I S B E I N..."

Ann screamed. "What the heck are you doing on my clean kitchen floor?" She quickly grabbed him up and deposited him back in the pen. She returned to the kitchen to clean the floor, mumbling all the way. 'Why in the heck does he keep tortoises, of all the silly pets for a grown man. Mumble, mutter, yada yada yadda" as she began to swing the mop around.

Is this the end of our stalwart hero? Will he succumb to the twins of terror? Will Chelan ever deliver the important message?

Tune in later to learn the answers to these and other burning questions!
 

Jacqui

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RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2

*quickly sits down next to Kristina in wait for the next installment* Would anybody care for some nice fresh popcorn???
 

Madkins007

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RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2

It might almost be a normal spring day in Nebraska. Two attractive women, sitting on a pile of concrete blocks, munching popcorn... had it not been for the fact that there were arms and legs poking out of the bottom of the pile, muffled groans for help being ignored by the "Twins of Terror" ((C) All Rights Reserved).

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Chelan, the ever faithful Brazilian red-footed tortoise was telling his pen-mates what was happening and about his humiliating attempt to communicate Mark's predicament to his wife.

"Perhaps urine was the wrong medium?" Balaton offered. "Maybe you should have used poo instead?"

"I thought of that" Chelan replied, "but I did not think I had enough available to do the whole message."

"Good point." The rest of the herd nodded in agreement.

"The question before the assemblage now is what can we do about this?" The herd harumphed together. "True." That IS the question." "What indeed?"

Meanwhile, back at the concrete pile, Mark's life was rushing before his eyes. Fortunately, it bored him so much that it dulled the crushing pain.

"By George, I think I've got it!" Atticus exclaimed. "Let's use the Plot Device!"

"Yes, the Plot Device!" "Good show, old man!" "Well done!" The others chimed in with agreement.

Atticus went into the hide and activated the secret control that whisked them deep to the hidden underground lair. They went to the equipment room and sorted through the shelves crowded with WMDs, doomsday devices, dog feces detectors, and other such stuff as makes a tortoise's life bearable. "Ah hah! Here it is!" Duke had found the Plot Device where it lay in a back corner.

Ah- the Plot Device! The wonderful machine that puts Doctor Who's Sonic Screwdriver to shame! It sat in the dim corner and glowed faintly with portents and power.

Egads, will the tortoises make it in time? What exactly does the Plot Device do? How long will it take for them to remember that they can't find the manual? What sort of flavorings do you think the Twins of Terror (patent pending) use on their popcorn?

Tune in later, same tort-time, same tort-channel!
 

Jacqui

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RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2

Kristina are you worried yet? :D
 

Kristina

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RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2

OMG, I just LOL'ed in the middle of my work place and got a LOT of funny looks... I'm dying here.

I like caramel ;) Kettle corn is good too..... ;)
 

Madkins007

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RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2

The scene could be anywhere in much of the world. A woodsy glen is filled with lush grass and spring wildflowers. Birds are singing gaily in the trees and squirrels chitter and dash around in the nearby trees. One might even think the two lovely women sitting on a small pile of concrete blocks and chatting happily as they munched their popcorn were just out enjoying the sunny day, even tossing occasional kernels to the birds and sly chipmunks.

One might think that, that is, until one noticed the faintly struggling person under the blocks.

One might even notice a certain hush in the forest, as if all the woodland creatures had gone silent as they observed something portentous passing along. Indeed- were one to look closely, one would see a most amazing sight.

Three Brazilian red-footed tortoises were carefully moving on the path, each bearing one leg of a tripod supporting an ominous-looking machine, softly glowing in a blue nimbus. A fourth tortoise was on point, setting the path and pace, and holding a sort of leash in his mouth- a leash that led back to the Device.

Now, most people, unaware of the capabilities of real-life tortoises, might assume that this queer quartet would be moving slowly- almost comically slowly- as they bore their burden through the boughs. Those people would be right. Not only were they being very careful to not let their burden fall, they were, indeed, tortoises and just not all that fast. Duh!

The woodland creatures are wise to the ways of their lands, and very aware of what happens in it. They instinctively recognized that something out of the ordinary was happening. A trio of tortoises toting a tripod-perched tool of some unrecognizable design certainly caught their attention. Had the Twins of Terror (now a Major Motion Picture!) been paying attention instead of eating popcorn and talking about poo and substrates and other vital topics, they might have noticed the silence building to the west.

Even if they missed that, they might have noticed that every bird around was circling the forest just to the south of them- bluebirds flying beside eagles, and sparrows beside owls. The tortoises noticed.

"Bloody hell. You think ONE of them would offer to help." One of the tortoises, grumpy after all the work it too to smuggle the Device out of the pen and dragging it this far. The others barely had the energy to nod their heads in agreement.

"Just a bit further." Duke, in his Black Tartarian outfit, called out. Normally Duke dressed as the dread BT just as a bit of a lark or for one of the comic conventions he regularly attended. Today, however, he wore it for the extra protection it offered to prevent him from being seen. The other three would not have to venture as far out into the glen as he would in order to aim and fire the Device. Besides, as we all know, red-footed tortoises are deep rainforest creatures that live in dread of the sun.

Atticus took a bad step and stumbled, almost throwing the Device to the ground. "Hey, steady on there!" one of them called out. The other murmured his tired agreement. Duke hushed them all, reminding them that they were close, very close. He set the triggering device down and sprinted ahead to scout out their position.

"OK, lads. Another meter along the trail, then we will do a smart pivot to the left and approach them from behind. They are both chatting away, so should not notice us until it is too late." The determined tortoises took their final positions.

Duke took the trigger cord and moved to the side to give the Device as much room as he could. Birds and squirrels were lined up on nearly every branch, shoulder to shoulder, watching eagerly. The tension was so thick, you could cut it with a knife and serve it for breakfast, maybe with a bit of cream on it.

"Ready" Duke mumbled around the trigger unit in his mouth. "Aim!" The team cautiously shifted a bit to the right. "FIRE!"

And you pretty much knew we would pause there, didn't you? Right at the worst possible moment- just when the LAST thing on your mind was another commercial for some automotive-themed soda pop or an offer to do your taxes to make your hair shinier- right?

To learn the fate of our herd of heros, our trio of tortoise-y terrificness, our band of shell brothers- not to mention the poor schmuck under the rocks... is he even still alive? Tune in to the next installment of "Shell Shocked", or "Crushed By Your Love" (Call 1-800-333-3232 to vote for your favorite episode title, $1 per call. One random winner will be chosen each day to receive an iPad or tortoise of your choice.)
 

Yvonne G

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RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2

Who knew Mark was so talented? I can hardly wait to read the next episode.
 

Madkins007

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RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2

Since I have NO IDEA what is going to happen next, you are welcome to join the others on the concrete pile. I bet they have enough popcorn for you!
 

Jacqui

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RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2

*moves over the cooler and takes out in one hand a pie and in the other ice cream* Yvonne, would you rather have one of these? And yes, Kristina, you can have some, too. *reaches back into the ice cooler and removes a large chunk of ice. The takes the chunk and places it on Mark's spine* See Mark, I do think of you, too! :D
 
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