ESIO TROT by Tidgy's Dad.

[Tidgy's Dad]

From his vast collection, it was not difficult for Mr Adam to find just the chelonian he wanted. He wanted one that weighed fifteen ounces (MwM) exactly on his kitchen scales, no more and no less. When he had got it, he put it on the kitchen table beside Alfie, and even he could hardly tell that one was bigger than the other. But it was bigger. It was bigger by two ounces (MwM). This was Tortoise Number 2.
(you may have noticed a bit of difference in species between Alfie and Tortoise Number 2, Jock Cousteau. Mr Adam was rather counting on Mrs wifey not noticing this, either.)



Page 32

 

[Tidgy's Dad]

Mr Adam took Tortoise Number 2; Jock Cousteau, out on to the balcony and gripped it in the claws of his tortoise-catcher. Then he lowered it on to Mrs wifey's balcony, right beside a nice fresh lettuce.
Tortoise Number 2, Jock Cousteau, had never eaten tender lettuce leaves before. It had only had thick old cabbage leaves in the pet shop and nothing in Mr Adam's apartment as the tortoises had eaten everything before Jock had go to it, so he was starving, though he really needed some nice protein like salmon or guppies, to be eaten in the water as he couldn't really eat on dry ground. However, Jock loved the lettuce and started chomping away with great gusto.



There followed a rather nervous two hours' wait for Mrs wifey to return from work.
Would she see any difference between the new tortoise and Alfie? It was going to be a tense moment.


Page 33

 

[Tidgy's Dad]

Out on to her balcony swept Mrs wifey.
"Alfie, my darling!" she cried out. "Mummy's back! Have you missed me?"
Mr Adam, peering over his railing, but well hidden between two huge potted plants, held his breath.
The new 'tortoise' was still chomping away at the lettuce.


Page 34

 

[Tidgy's Dad]

"My my, Alfie, you do seem hungry today," Mrs wifey was saying. " It must be Mr Adam"s magic words I've been whispering to you."
Mr Adam watched as Mrs wifey picked the turtle up and stroked his shell. Then she fished Mr Adam's piece of paper out of her pocket, and holding Jock very close to her face, she whispered, reading from the paper:
"ESIO TROT, ESIO TROT,
TEG REGGIB REGGIB!
EMOC NO, ESIO TROT,
WORG PU, FFUP PU, TOOHS PU!
GNIRPS PU, WOLB PU, LLEWS PU!
EGROG! ELZZUG! FFUTS! PLUG!
TUP NO TAF, ESIO TROT, TUP NO TAF!
TEG NO, TEG NO! ELBBOG DOOF!"








Page 35

 

[Tidgy's Dad]

Mr Adam popped his head out of the foliage and called out, "Good evening, Mrs wifey. How is Alfie tonight?"




"Oh, he's lovely," Mrs wifey said, looking up and beaming. "And he's developing such an appetite!. I've never seen him eat like this before! It must be the magic words."
"You never know," Mr Adam said darkly. "You never know."






Page 36

 

[Tidgy's Dad]

Mr Adam waited seven whole days before he made his next move.
During this time Mrs wifey discovered that 'Alfie' could now swim exceptionally well.




"It's very strange, Mr Adam," Mrs wifey told him. "He couldn't swim at all before, he just sort of sunk."
"Hmmmmm." said Mr Adam thoughtfully, "I expect it's his new appetite. All that extra lettuce is making him buoyant."
"I suppose so," Mrs wifey replied. "That must be it."

On the afternoon of the seventh day, when Mrs wifey was at work, Mr Adam lifted Tortoise Number 2, Jock, from the balcony below and brought it into his living-room. Number 2 had weighed exactly fifteen ounces (MwM). He must now find one that weighed exactly seventeen ounces (MwM), two ounces (MwM) more.






From his enormous collection, he easily found a seventeen-ounce (MwM) tortoise and once again he tried to make sure the shells matched in colour. And failed. But this South African Zebra tortoise showing beautiful marbling would have to do. Then he lowered Tortoise Number 3, Ringo, on to Mrs wifey's balcony.
As you will have guessed by now, Mr Adam's plan was a very simple one. If a creature grows slowly enough - I mean very very slowly indeed - then you'll never notice that it has grown at all, especially if you see it every day.
It's the same with children. They are actually growing taller every week, but their mothers never notice it until they grow out of their clothes.
Slowly does it, Mr Adam told himself. Don't hurry it.


Page 37

 

[Tidgy's Dad]

So this is how things went over the next eight weeks.

In the beginning


.............................................ALFIE...........................................................................................................weight 13 ounces (MwM)








End of first week


..............TORTOISE NO.2 ( JOCK COUSTEAU ) ...............................................................................................weight 15 ounces (MwM)






End of second week



..............TORTOISE NO. 3 ( RINGO)......................................................................................................................weight 17 ounces (MwM)




Page 38

 

[Tidgy's Dad]

End of third week



..........................TORTOISE NO. 4 ( CANDELABRA THE ALDABRA ) .....................................weight 19 ounces (MwM)








End of fourth week


...........................................TORTOISE NO. 5 ( FAGIN THE ASHTRAY) .................................................weight 21 ounces (MwM)








End of fifth week




.............................TORTOISE NO. 6 (ELSA) ....................................weight 23 ounces (MwM)





Page 39

 

[Tidgy's Dad]

End of sixth week


.................TORTOISE NO. 7 ( TIDGY ) ..............................................................................weight 25 ounces (MwM)






End of seventh week


.........................................TORTOISE NO. 8 ( NOEL ) ................................................................weight 27 ounces (MwM)






Alfie's weight was thirteen ounces. Tortoise Number 8 was twenty-seven ounces. Very slowly, over seven weeks, Mrs wifey's pet had more than doubled in size and the good lady hadn't noticed a thing. rolleyes
Incidentally, weight is not a good measure of a tortoise's size, it varies a lot, even day by day depending on what they've eaten, their toilet times etc. Mr Adam would have been better measuring the carapace or plastron length.

Here is a bonus picture of ( ) who was too small to make the cut.




Page 40

 

[Tidgy's Dad]

Even to Mr Adam, peering down over his plants, Tortoise Number 8, Noel, looked pretty big. It was absolutely astonishing and amazing that Mrs wifey had hardly noticed anything at all during the great operation. Only once had she said, "You know, Mr Adam, I do believe he's getting a bit bigger. What do you think?"
"I can't see a lot of difference myself," Mr Adam had answered casually.







Page 41

 

[Tidgy's Dad]

(Notice a bit of hay in the tortoise house. Not a good substrate, can mold if wet or be too dusty when dry, tiles are pretty bad too, can cause leg damage if the tortoise has to walk on hard surfaces all the time. The chimney is just beginning to melt in the heat. )


But now perhaps it was time to call a halt, and that evening Mr Adam was just about to go out and suggest to Mrs wifey that she ought to weigh Alfie when a startled cry from the balcony below brought him outside fast.
"Look!" Mrs wifey was shouting. "Alfie's too big to get through the door of his little house! he must have grown enormously!"
"Weigh him," Mr Adam ordered. " Take him in and weigh him quick."





The chimney has completely melted!



Page 42

 

[Tidgy's Dad]

Mrs wifey did just that, and in half a minute she was back holding the tortoise in both hands and waving it above her head and shouting, " Guess what, Mr Adam! Guess what! He weighs twenty-seven ounces (MwM) ! He's twice as big as he was before! Oh, you darling!" she cried stroking the tortoise." Oh,you great big wonderful boy! Just look what clever Mr Adam has done for you!"



Page 43

 

[Tidgy's Dad]

Mr Adam suddenly felt very brave. "Mrs wifey," he said. " Do you think I could pop down to your balcony and hold Alfie myself?"
"Why, of course you can!" Mrs wifey cried. "Come down at once."


Mr Adam rushed down the stairs and Mrs wifey opened the door to him. Together they went out onto the balcony. "Just look at him!" Mrs wifey said proudly. "Isn't he grand!"
"He's a good-sized tortoise now," Mr Adam said.
"And you did it!" Mrs wifey cried. " "You're a miracle man, you are indeed!"
"But what am I going to do about his house?" Mrs wifey said "He must have a house to go into at night, but now he can't get through the door."
They were standing on the balcony looking at the tortoise, who was trying to push his way into the house. But he was too big.
" I shall have to enlarge the door," Mrs wifey said.
"Don't do that," Mr Adam said. "You mustn't go chopping up such a pretty little house.(indeed, I'm very pleased with it) After all, he only needs to be just a tiny bit smaller and he could get in easily."



Page 44

 

[Tidgy's Dad]

"How can he possibly get smaller?" Mrs wifey asked.



"That's simple," Mr Adam said. " Change the magic words.Instead of telling him to get bigger and bigger, tell him to get a bit smaller. But in tortoise language of course."


Page 45

 

[Tidgy's Dad]

"Will that work?"
"Of course it will work."
"Tell me exactly what I have to say, Mr Adam.
Mr Adam got out a piece of paper and a pencil and wrote :



Page 46

 

[Tidgy's Dad]

"That'll do it, Mrs wifey," he said, handing her the paper.
" I don't mind tying it," Mrs wifey said. "But look here, I wouldn't want him to get tidgy small all over again, Mr Adam."
"He won't, dear lady, he won't," Mr Adam said. "Say it only tonight and tomorrow morning and then see what happens. We might be lucky."
" If it works," Mrs wifey said, touching him softly on the arm, " then you are the cleverest man alive."









Page 47

 

[Tidgy's Dad]

The next afternoon, as soon as Mrs wifey had gone to work, Mr Adam lifted the tortoise up from her balcony and carried it inside. All he had to do was to find one that was just a shade smaller, so that it would just go through the door of the little house.
He chose one and lowered it down with his tortoise-catcher. Then, still gripping the tortoise, he tested it to see if it would go through the door .
It wouldn't.
He chose another.






Again he tested it. This one went through nicely. Good.




Page 48

 

[Tidgy's Dad]

This tortoise had a slippery shell. But Mr Adam still managed to get a good grip on a part of it.
He placed the tortoise in the middle of the balcony beside a nice piece of lettuce and went inside to await Mrs wifey's homecoming.








Page 49

 

[Tidgy's Dad]

That evening, Mr Adam was watering his plants on the balcony when suddenly he heard Mrs wifey's shouts from below, shrill with excitement.
"Mr Adam! Mr Adam! Where are you?" she was shouting. "Just look at this!"
Mr Adam popped his head over the flowers and said, "What's up?"
"Oh, Mr Adam, it's worked!" she was crying. "Your magic words have worked again on Alfie! He can now get through the door of his little house! It's a miracle!"
"Can I come down and look?" Mr Adam shouted back.
"Come down at once, my dear man!" Mrs wifey answered. "Come down and see the wonders you have worked upon my darling Alfie!"







Page 50

 

[Tidgy's Dad]

Mr Adam turned and ran from the balcony into the living-room, jumping on tip-toe like a ballet-dancer between the sea of tortoises that covered the floor. He flung open his front door and flew down the stairs two at a time with the love-songs of a thousand cupids ringing in his ears.

This is it! He whispered to himself under his breath. The greatest moment of my life is coming up now! I musn't bish it. I mustn't bosh it! I mustn't wibble. I must keep very calm! When he was three-quarters way down the stairs he caught sight of Mrs wifey already standing at the open door waiting to welcome him with a huge smile on her face. She flung her arms around him and cried out, "You are the most wonderful man I've ever met! You can do anything! Come in at once and let me make you a cup of tea. That's the very least you deserve!"
Seated in an armchair in Mrs wifey's parlour, sipping tea, Mr Adam was all of a twitter. He looked at the lovely lady sitting opposite him and smiled at her. She smiled right back at him.


Page 51