Jokes

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dmmj

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A frog when into a bank and spoke to the teller, Mr. Paddywhack.
"Excuse me, but I want to improve my lily pad. I would like a small loan of about $20."
"Um, well do you have any references or collateral, Mr. Frog?"
The frog pulled out a small green elephant and put it proudly on the desk. "That's the most precious thing I own. It's been in my family for generations."
Mr. Paddywhack went back to the manager shaking his head.
"Hey boss. I got a frog here that wants a loan. It's only for $20 but all he has for collateral is this stupid green elephant. I don't even know what it is or what it's supposed to do."
The manager said: "It's a knick-nack, Paddywhack. Give the frog a loan."

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Three priests went for a ramble in the country. It was unusually hot for Ireland in September and before too long, they were sweating profusely.
They came upon a small lake and since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few blackberries while enjoying their "freedom". As they were crossing an open area, they saw a group of ladies from the village coming towards them.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, two of the priests covered their privates, but the third one covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the first two priests asked the third why he covered his face rather than his privates.
"I don't know about you two," he replied, "but in my parish, it's my face they would recognize."

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said !*#!, I missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "!*#!, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly. The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
Sister is really angry now and says, "Father , God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, Father swings and misses again. "!*#!, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes the nun dead in her tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice.........
"S!*#!, I missed."

This last one is wrong on so may levels but I still laughed at it.

Three pregnant women were waiting in the doctor's waiting room for an antenatal check-up and were all knitting garments for there respective babies.
Suddenly the first expectant mother stops knitting, checks her watch, pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one...
"What was that?", the other two ask, curiously.
"Calcium tablet. Good for mommy, good for little baby", she replies, patting her stomach affectionately.
Satisfied, all 3 continue with their knitting...
5 minutes later, the second one stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one..
"What was that?", the other two inquire.
"Vitamin tablet", she replies, "Good for mommy, good for little baby" and she pats her stomach affectionately.
All 3 smile and continue busily with their knitting...
5 minutes later, the last woman stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one..
"What was that?" ask the other two.
"Thalidomide. I can't knit sleeves..."
 

jaizei

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HAHAHAHA deformed babies. I haven't laughed that hard since I watched the video of kittens being thrown into the river.
 

Jacqui

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A mixed bag of jokes there, but the frog wins.
 
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