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dmmj

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I guess it is a little sad, people are just chalking this up to men being men.
 

dmmj

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Vishnu2 said:
dmmj said:
I guess it is a little sad, people are just chalking this up to men being men.
Women cheat too. I just never have. :/
I have no doubt women cheat, but I believe you asked why do men cheat.
 

Vishnu2

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You going to start attacking me dmmj? Cause, I gotta be honest I am not a fan of that attempt so please refrain. It wasn't my intent to start judging and attacking men. I was looking for understanding of men in general. Sorry, if you feel some pressure. :/
 

TheValve

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I love my wife and son far too much to cheat. I think some men have problems with realizing that the grass is not greener on the other side.
 

Nixxy

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Tom said:
Men cheat for the same variety of reasons that women cheat. Because they are not getting their needs met by their current partner, and they lack the strength of character or strength of will to do the right thing. This "having your needs met" concept can be different things to different people. Sometimes there are substantial, valid deficiencies, but other times the most arbitrary reasons are cited, basically as an excuse. Either way, cheating is never okay. If your needs are not being met, whatever they are, then the relationship should be ended, so you are free to go your own way with a clear conscience. Often the legal system, children and serious financial concerns are enough to deter people from ending a relationship that really should be ended. I don't find this to be a valid excuse, but it does explain some things that were previously difficult for me to understand.

I totally understand people who don't want to commit or be tied down. No problem with that, just don't promise to be faithful to someone. On the other hand, if you do promise, then simply don't cheat.

This, entirely..

Honestly, if you don't want to be monogamous, by all means, go for it. Have as many relations and partners as you want. But it's only fair if you are single, really. Or, in the case they are okay with an open relationship.

Myself? I'm tied down with an amazing girl, and have no issues with monogamy. I've never been a "cheater". I understand many aspects of it, be it being erotic that it is forbidden, or just due to lust, or even the aspect of not wanting to leave the person you are with due to not wanting to hurt them, or still having feelings for them, or just wanting it all. But I certainly don't condone it. My feeling is, that if monogamy isn't your thing, or even if you just want someone else while in a relationship....Just be single. If you ever want to be in a monogamous relationship later, you always can.


What Valve said, is very accurate.

Think about the story about the dog who looked in the lake, and saw a reflection of his bone and dropped his just to get it. He lost the one he had, and ended up with nothing, or something of that nature.
 

harris

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I'm sorry you're going through this Vishnu. Your head has to be spinning right now. I wish you nothing but the best of luck getting through it.
 

CLMoss

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Wow, call me if you need to talk about this some more. I need to know about what type of supports system you have in the event you decide to leave. Also, if "now" is the right time to leave, you may need to give it some time. His age, maybe he is going thru mid-life issues ? Maybe more counseling? There is a good chance that he is thru with all of the drama that he has caused... Sex & love are entirely different... When hormones kick in, one may think that it is love, but that is short lived. Also, you may just need to separate for a while and let things cool off. I don't believe in doing any life changing changes charged with emotion. Don't be hasty, you have children to think about.
 

lisa127

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I believe when a man does not resist the urge to cheat, it is usually an ego thing. To many men, it's an ego boost.
 

CourtneyAndCarl

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dmmj said:
Vishnu2 said:
dmmj said:
I guess it is a little sad, people are just chalking this up to men being men.
Women cheat too. I just never have. :/
I have no doubt women cheat, but I believe you asked why do men cheat.
I would have to say that many times, women and men cheat for very different reasons.
 

tyguy35

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I agree with dmmj real men don't. I'm always looking for ew ways toshow love to my girlfriend I was once cheated on before it sucks. I would never cheat. Yeas oter woman are attractive but I'd never think of cheating so wrong
 

CourtneyAndCarl

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Of course, I don't date and I never plan to, so any and all of my input in this thread is from a purely scientific view point ;)
 

Vishnu2

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harris said:
I'm sorry you're going through this Vishnu. Your head has to be spinning right now. I wish you nothing but the best of luck getting through it.
Thank you Harris, I appreciate your kind words. Ones I really need right now.
 

ascott

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The word cheating kinda reminds me of;

Walking through a field full of beautiful flowers, they are all different, they smell good, they look good, some are soft and lofty some are strong and sturdy....absolutely beautiful....I love walking through fields like this, taking it all in, appreciating the feeling and energy you get....

Some folks simply can not walk through the field of beauty...they want to pick them, take them, keep them for themselves--problem is that the flower begins to die and turn ugly from the moment you pick it....once you have it, it suddenly is not so beautiful--no longer surrounded by the others--no longer in a breezy feel good place...no longer the thing that you thought...but rather an ugly, shriveled up stinking at the stem thing....

I personally enjoy walking through the filed...laying in it from time to time and then dusting myself off and going home...knowing I can come back another day when my soul needs it....

Vishnu, my heart is so heavy for the burden of choice you are forced to deal with. You know that your daughter and you are the most important elements in this situation. You know what your now husbands history has laid out---I too wish you the best outcome for you and your daughter dear.
 

Blakem

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I do not believe dmmj was trying to come off as attacking at all. I do see how you could interpret that meaning. But, he was just stating your initial topic.

I am truly and deeply sorry that you have been fighting this you since such a young age. Its really sad that you will forever be afraid of your loved one cheating on you, which I do not blame you based off of your past. I am praying for you and your situation.

I do not believe that cheating is okay in any way, what so ever. I do want to explain from a psychological standpoint. Now, I do not know your husband or what goes through his mind. But, some men (I only know a males perspective, not a females) get excited over the fact that they can and may get caught doing things. They know that it is wrong but it may produce an enjoyable feeling to be discrete. Temptation is a difficult sin in this world. Some may go in search for it and sometimes it just falls into ones lap. It is moving towards it that becomes the problem. Also, some men may have not been raised by someone who shows them how women need to be treated. Or, they have not seen the mental damage that

Their can be many reasons for this type of adultery. I am only 22 so I do not know or have had experience with this. I am not trying to be a mr. Know it all. I do believe that love and marriage is a fragile and precious thing.

Good luck.
 

wellington

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You have to do what is right for you and your children. What ever that may be is what is right for you. Only you can know what you can deal with and what you can't. That said, what ever you choose won't be easy. To make a cheating marriage work, takes hard work. Both of you will have to work really hard at it, him harder. To get a divorced is also hard. My opinion though on divorce. One must do everything possible to make the marriage work. When that is done and it still doesn't work, then the divorce is justified. My ex cheated. I stayed and did everything possible to make my marriage work ( no kids thankfully) and got things in order for me if it didn't, he cheated again. I walked out with my head high, he couldn't. I got the divorce. I am better for it.
If you suspect a spouse is cheating, even just a little gut feeling. He/She is. Good, mutally loving caring marriages, don't get those kinds of suspicions or gut feelings.
Good luck to you. I know how your feeling and personally, no one should ever have to feel that pain. If you need to talk to someone that has gone through it, you can pm me also.
 

Jacqui

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My guess is your heart and mind might still be fighting with each other over what is right or wrong, but deep down you know the answer. Right now, you just need to do a lot of venting and get all your thoughts out, so you can plan your next move. I may be wrong, but I am of the belief your preparing to leave him. That you have lost trust in him and your not going to be getting it back again.

That being said, you need to be doing some serious thinking and planning. Can you afford to leave him? Do you have money stashed some where or an account you can take money from? I would suggest to start stashing some away either as secret cash or even some of gift certificates you can hide. Many men upon knowing wives are going to leave will clean out accounts and close joint accounts. My advise is better safe then sorry.

I may be wrong, be you don't work do you? I got the feeling your pretty dependent on him for support. You need to do some serious looking into money. How much money do you need to live on. If you can not afford your home, can you find housing you can afford? Do you have a separate checking account? Credit in your name alone? If you don't have a job, could you get one? Would it be enough to support you? Until you have your plans figured out, researched, and mapped, do not let him know your thinking of leaving. It may not be the "nice" thing to do to him, but for now you need to think of yourself and your children, not him. [hr]
Plus know we are all here for you, either in public or private. Do not hesitate to ask for help, a shoulder to cry on, a way to vent your anger and hurt, whatever it is you need to do. We may never meet each other in here, but we are family. *hug* I am sorry this has happened to you.
 

Arizona Sulcata

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The problem is that many people (even from a lot of what I read on this post) think its ok or "natural" for a man to cheat. This way of thinking will lead to just that. If women think that men are programmed to cheat they are making excuses for them to do so. Expect more of us and hold us to higher standards. My wife expects me not to cheat and I her and we trust each other 100%. Cheating is cheating plain and simply in my book. No need to go on about that its natural and what not, just have some self control.

PS not applying this to Vishnu's case. Some men are just pigs.
 

GBtortoises

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emysemys said:
I don't think the male human animal was meant to be monogamous. I believe it takes quite a bit of will power to resist if the temptation is put in front of him.
Christianity "assumed" humans to be monogamous. Not mother nature.

Unless they're a homosexual pair, it takes more than a male to make it cheating.
 
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