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dmmj

The member formerly known as captain awesome
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HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

1. Compliment her, 2. cuddle her, 3. kiss her, 4. caress her, 5. love her, 6. stroke her, 7. tease her, 8. comfort her, 9. protect her, 10. hug her, 11. hold her, 12. spend money on her, 13. wine & dine her, 14. buy things for her, 15. listen to her, 16. care for her, 17. stand by her, 18. support her, 19. go to the ends of the earth for her....


HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

1.Show up naked. 2. Bring beer.

when you swim in a creek
and an eel bites your cheek...
that's a moray

Moses and Jesus were playing golf. Moses teed off and his ball landed in the water hazard. He walks down and parts the waters and chips onto the green. Jesus tees off and lands in the same water hazard. So he walks down onto the water as his ball floats to the surface and chips onto the green. Out of no where a ball falls into the hazard and a fish eats it, then an eagle swoops down and picks up the fish, as it's flying away a bolt of lighting hits the eagle it drops the fish, the fish lands on the green, the ball pops out of the fish and rolls into the hole. Moses turnes to Jesus and says "Man I hate it when your dad plays."

Three friends married women from different parts of the country.

The first man married a woman from Wisconsin. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Minnesota. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Texas. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

A plane is flyin when out of nowhere the engine blows then the 2nd one blows next.everybody is out of control when a woman stands up on her seat and yells out "Im about to die so somebody make me feel like a woman".A man then stands up and rips his shirt off and throws it at her and yells back "here,iron this"
 

wellington

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I like the wife in Texas, my kind of person. The guy on the plane, well he would have died before the plane crashed:D
 

Jacqui

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wellington said:
I like the wife in Texas, my kind of person. The guy on the plane, well he would have died before the plane crashed:D

:D sorta my thoughts. :D
 

SulcataSarah

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lol man those are great, i dont have many of them but i've heard a few great pick up lines. and being german i have heard a few nazi jokes xD
 
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